


Don't Fuss Over Me

by everything_else



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bullying, Emotional Manipulation, Even saves Isak, First Meetings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt (canon), Please Don't Hate Me, Slow Build, and Isak saves him right back, because Isak was drunk and underage, but probably not as dark as it sounds, eating issues, it will get better i promise, yeah it's pretty dark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-14 02:40:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 45,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11198739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everything_else/pseuds/everything_else
Summary: Isak stood in the bedroom he shared with his boyfriend and looked in the mirror. He was wearing a grey top and dark jeans that hung down off his skinny frame. He wanted to wear a snapback but he knew Halvor wouldn’t let him and he would be home any minute.Isak sat down on the bed and watched his reflection do the same. He looked sullen and he knew that would have to change before it got him into trouble.A key turned loudly in the lock, metal sliding against metal. The door opened and Halvor shouted “Isak, I’ve got the drinks. Let’s go.”Isak took one final look in the mirror, this time trying to smile, and then walked out of the bedroom.





	1. Why are you so quiet?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while sleep-deprived and I'm really scared to post it so please be kind.  
> Also make sure you read the tags :)

Isak stood in the bedroom he shared with his boyfriend and looked in the mirror. He was wearing a grey top and dark jeans that hung down off his skinny frame and he wanted to wear a snapback but he knew Halvor wouldn’t let him. He would be home any minute.

Isak sat down on the bed and watched his reflection do the same. He looked sullen and he knew that would have to change before it got him into trouble.

A key turned loudly in the lock, metal sliding against metal. The door opened and Halvor shouted “Isak, I’ve got the drinks. Let’s go.”

Isak took one final look in the mirror, this time trying to smile, and then walked out of the bedroom.

\----------------------------------------

The pavement was damp from rain earlier in the day and it almost glittered under the orange streetlights. Cars were parked all along the curb and telephone wires cut the sky overhead with clean black lines. Summer still hung warm and heavy in the night air.

Halvor walked a little ahead of Isak, his green bomber zipped up to his chest. His black hair was damp and curling over his forehead like it did whenever he got caught in the rain. He didn’t look back at Isak when he spoke to him.

“Why are you so quiet?” he asked.

“I don’t know, sorry” said Isak. “Uhh, where’s the party?”

“It’s at Jakobs.”

“Do you think there’ll be anyone from Nissen?”

Halvor took a swig of his beer.

“I doubt it. Why? Would you rather be hanging out with Nissen second years?”

“No.” said Isak.

Black bins lined the pavement, their lids shiny under a film of water. The two boys drifted into the roads as they became quieter, the sound of cars droning and distant. They were silent save for the rustling of the plastic bag and the sound of their footsteps scraping on the grit of the road.

\----------------------------------------

When they got there the house was already packed and thudding with music.

Halvor grabbed Isak’s arm as he pushed his way through the corridor. Cans littered every surface and people were talking and drinking, shouting and dancing under coloured lights. The air smelled of booze and sweat.

A group of Halvor’s friends were leaning against a wall on the other side of the room.

“Halvor!”

Isak recognised Finn, who Halvor played football with, Karl and Elisa. There was also another boy who he didn’t recognise and a girl with dyed silver hair.

“Hi Isak”.

Elisa was the only one who greeted him. She was wearing lipstick and a jumper, her wavy brown hair tucked behind one ear. Isak liked Elisa, she seemed kind.

“How’s Nissen?”

“Uhh Yeah, it’s okay.” Said Isak. “A bit stressful.”

“If you think second year is stressful, just wait for third.” Said Finn. “It’s fucking hell”.

The others agreed. Isak hated when people said things like that to him, as if knowing them made it any easier to cope.

“Second year is pretty rough guys” said Elisa. “Its not like any of you do work anyway.”

Someone gave her a playful shove.

“I work way harder than you!”

“Me and Halvor are prefects!” said Finn.

“Like we could forget.”

“It’s only because you’re on the fucking football team” said Karl.

“Yeah, so what?”

Isak took a sip of his beer, though he would be lying if he said he liked the taste.

“All Isak does is work, its fucking boring.” Said Halvor.

Isak laughed.

“That’s a good thing!” said Finn.

“Yeah, you want him to be smart don’t you?”

“Maybe your not doing enough to distract him.” Karl said drunkenly. “If you know what I mean”.

“Oh my God, shut up Karl.” Said Elisa.

Halvor smiled easily.

“Oh no, he gets pretty distracted then. Don’t you Iss? When I’m giving it to him good.”

The group laughed. A few of them, including Finn, looked uncomfortable, but Isak didn’t see because he was concentrating hard on his shoes. He heard Elisa call Karl an idiot.

Halvor did this so easily, always knew exactly how to make Isak crawl with shame and humiliation. He said Isak should learn to take a joke.

“I’m getting another drink”

Isak pushed through the crowd and found himself in the kitchen where girls were doing shots off the counter. He opened a back door, stepped through and closed it behind him.

Cool air washed over him like relief.

He was standing in a small concrete garden that smelled like rain and cigarettes. The sky was a dark and even blue, black trees standing like stencils against it.

Of course he had to ruin it, overreact like a fucking child. What was wrong with him? Fuck.

Halvor would hate that it was in front of his friends as well. He was so completely fucked.

“Hello”

Isak turned.

A boy in a denim jacket was sitting on the wall.

“Uhh, hello.”

He held out his hand and it took Isak a moment to realise he was offering his cigarette. He took it with murmured thanks.

The boy smiled and leant back on one arm. He was tall, with one leg drawn up almost to his chest, dirty blonde hair and eyes that were bright and interested, though Isak didn’t know why they would be interested in him.

He coughed on the smoke that now filled his lungs and the boy laughed softly.

“Not having a good night?” he asked.

“Yeah, well I only just got here.”

“And yet you’re already smoking in the garden with a stranger.”

Isak smiled an admission and pulled himself up to sit on the wall. He passed the cigarette back and their fingers brushed as he did. It was a typical city night, bright and still.

“Are you a third year?”

“No, second” said Isak. “Are you?”

“Yeah.”

“At Bakka?”

The boy shook his head. “Nissen.”

“Oh” said Isak. “Me too.”

“Yeah”

Isak frowned.

The boy brought the cigarette to his lips again and hollowed his cheeks as he took a drag. The end burned orange before it faded and smoke curled upwards in the night air.

“So, uhh…you don’t know many people here either?” Isak asked after a moment.

“I know some. I used to go to Bakka”

“Oh. Did you transfer? Why?”

The boy shrugged and a small smile tugged at his lips.

“I felt like a change.”

Isak laughed quietly. It was warm for mid-September and the sky above them was deep and starless. The boy’s smile lingered as he looked at Isak.

The silence settled between them then, their feet knocking against the wall where they dangled.

“What’s your name?”

“Even. Yours?”

“Isak”

“Isak” he repeated, and suddenly Isak couldn’t look at him again.

They sat with their shoulders almost touching, passing the cigarette back and forth on this wall where moss grew between the bricks.

He knew that Halvor would smell it on him and ask where he had been. He was probably looking for him right now, but Isak didn’t want to go back.

He couldn’t make himself go back.

So he stayed, smoking behind the house like he was in his first year again. He stayed with this boy he had only just met, but whose eyes he couldn’t quite meet. This boy with soft mousy hair and gentle hands and a smile that made his chest feel tight.

He stayed even when every part of him knew that he mustn’t.

“Isak, there you are!” said Elisa, over the noise that had started to spill out into the garden. “We thought you’d left”

“Yeah sorry” said Isak. “I’m coming back in.”

“ I’ll tell Halvor. He’s looking for you.”

Elisa left the door open as she went back inside and it felt like something fragile had been broken.

Isak dropped down from the wall and made to follow her.

“Bye Isak”

“Bye.”

\----------------------------------------

The first time Isak met Halvor was probably the worst night of his life, though he could only remember some of it.

He remembered the first part, the screaming and shouting and slamming of doors until it was the front door that slammed and his dad walked away.

The screaming and shouting didn’t stop once he left.

Later, Isak drank himself stupid in a club in town. He drank until he couldn’t remember why he had come or why he felt so afraid. He drank until he couldn’t even stand.

“I’m not going home. Please don’t make me go home.”

But Halvor was kind. He didn’t make him go home, he took Isak back to his apartment and Isak didn’t remember much after that.

He remembered that it hurt and he cried, but that afterwards Halvor held him close.

Isak couldn’t stop crying.

When he woke up he didn’t know where he was and when he remembered he thought he was going to be sick, though that might have been because he was still pretty drunk.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Isak didn’t answer, just grabbed his clothes from where they lay crumpled on the floor and tried not to think about his mum or his dad or the fact that he was hurting all over.

“Hey, stop!” The guy grabbed hold of him. “You were pretty upset last night, was it something I did?”

Isak shook his head. He didn’t think about whether or not it was truth, just that he had to get out.

“Good.” He said, still holding Isak’s arm. “Because I was hoping to get your number.”

What the fuck.

“I just had a fucking breakdown on you!”

“Yeah and I was pretty fucking nice about it. Surely the least I deserve is your number.”

Isak was in no state to argue.

HALVOR:  
Hey Isak

I miss you

 

I can’t stop thinking about you

Or the noises you made.

 

Isak?

Answer me.

Do you want to meet up?

 

Come over pretty boy.

Want to look after you.

 

ISAK:  
Can I come tp you now pleass

 

Whenever it got too much at home, or Isak needed someone’s arms around him, he would end up at Halvor’s.

He had to be drunk and broken to come, but Halvor was always there when he did.

He took him and Isak let him, because afterwards Halvor held him like he needed to be held.

He needed him so badly.

Then, in March, Isak's mum was admitted and he became even more of a mess than he already was. Only Halvor knew how much of a mess, how selfish and fucked up and pathetic he was, but he let him stay. He let him stay and forget his mum and social services and the loneliness that was eating him up inside.

He made Isak feel safe and cared for until he didn’t.

The first time Halvor hit him was in June when they had been living together for two months.

“Shit Isak. Oh my God.”

Isak had stopped shouting and was holding his face in his hands.

“Isak. Fuck. Why did you make me do that? Why did you make me do that?”

Isak started crying and Halvor wrapped his arms around him.

“I hate what you make me become.”

"I'm sorry."

“It’s okay” said Halvor. “It’s okay”.

And it was.


	2. It's going good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday was beautiful but I love pain so...
> 
> BTW Isak gets a nosebleed in this chapter so there's some blood

Isak locked his bike up outside the school, which stood dark against a papery sky. He had a feeling in his stomach that he got when he hadn’t slept, a dull nausea that had made him not want to eat anything before he left the flat.

He was getting it most mornings now.

Inside, the corridor was fairly quiet and Isak saw Jonas by his locker, tugging off a jacket and shoving it inside. His dark hair stuck up like it had just been released from one of his beanies.

“Hey”

“Hey”

Jonas smiled at him.

“How are you? I thought you were coming to Eva’s on Saturday.”

Isak knew he would ask that. No matter how many times Isak blew him off, Jonas always asked.

“Uhh, yeah sorry” said Isak, opening his locker. “I ended up going to a party with Halvor. Was it fun though?”

“Yeah it was good. I missed you though, I ended up smoking in the bathroom with Mahdi and Magnus. Do you know them?”

Isak nodded even though he didn’t think he did.

“Magnus tried to hook up with this first year, it was fucking hilarious. You should have been there.”

Isak smiled. He reached a few chemistry books out of his locker and started shoving them into his bag.

“I guess I’m kind of spending a lot of time with Halvor at the moment” he said.

“Yeah”

Jonas was looking at him and Isak really didn’t want to do this. Not again.

“But…is it going okay with you guys?” he asked.

“It’s going good.” Said Isak.

He shut his locker and Jonas did the same.

“Isak, I know we don’t hang out much anymore, but…I’m here. If you want to talk.”

Isak nodded. It was ridiculous, but he thought that if he looked him in the eyes Jonas would be able to tell.

Jonas had always been able to tell.

\----------------------------------------

When Isak got home from Halvor’s the night his father left, Jonas was already at his door.

“Oh my God Isak. Are you drunk? Where have you been?”

Isak was sick in the bathroom and Jonas kneeled beside him, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

“It’s okay. Deep breaths. It’s okay.”

Isak could hear the worry in Jonas’ voice and he was ashamed, so so ashamed.

 

EVA:

You have four voicemail messages from this number. To listen, call 07895717188

Isak, you better answer your fucking phone because I need to talk to you.

You have seven voicemail messages from this number. To listen, call 07895717188

 

Jonas and Eva broke up because of what Isak did. Jonas cried when he told him and Isak hated himself more than anything in the world.

He had lied and hurt the only two people kind enough to love him.

He knew how disgusted Jonas would be if he knew what Isak had done and why he’d done it, if he knew what he let Halvor do to him.

Isak never wanted to hurt Jonas again.

\--------------------------------

Isak tried to concentrate in Chemistry but his eyes were sore with sleeplessness. He sat alone at the back and copied what was on the board, not really registering what it said and hoping he’d be able to look at it later. He knew his grades were slipping.

Near the end of the lesson Mr Egner asked him to stay behind.

He had always kept his grades up, sometimes it had felt like the only thing he could do.

The clock turned eleven and a ripple of relief went over the students as they stood up and shoved work into their bags. They talked and laughed as they drifted out into the corridor and Isak hoisted his bag over his shoulder before going reluctantly to the front.

“I have Biology now, sir”

“This won’t take long.”

Mr Egner motioned for him to sit at the desk while he went to close the door. He was young and slightly awkward, probably straight out of teacher training, and Isak wondered whether he was regretting his life choices yet.

“I wanted to ask why you weren’t here last Friday” he said once he had sat down. Isak could see people pass by the window on their way to lessons but their voices were muffled behind the glass.

“I was ill”

“Mrs Hagen tells me you were fine on Thurday”

Isak didn’t reply to that, just looked down at the bare table.

“Your performance has been disappointing recently, Isak. We were wondering if maybe something was going on at home?”

“Nothing’s going on at home.” Said Isak.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes”

Mr Egner frowned behind his square framed glasses.

“I’ll do better.” said Isak. “Please can I go now?”

He left the room with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

 

Biology was in the other building so he arrived three minutes late, as verified by Mrs Hagen.

“Isak, you’re late.”

Three minutes for fuck’s sake.

He sat down and pulled his books out of his bag, slapping them down on the desk and earning himself a glare from the girl next to him. Isak ignored her and started making notes from the start of the chapter because Mrs Hagen was on a tangent as usual. His head felt like someone was tightening a clamp around it.

He sniffed and a drop of blood fell onto the page.

Another fell just below it and grew over his writing, bleeding into the first one and probably the pages underneath.

“Shit”

The girl next to him looked over and swore. Isak could feel the blood running out of his nose now and dripping over his lips. He pulled up the neck of his shirt to wipe it away but more blood ran out, leaving it wet with blood.

It felt as if the whole class watched him leave, holding his bloody shirt over his nose, and by the time he got to the bathroom he could taste it thick in his throat, warm and disgusting. He spat into the sink and there was blood there too, painting dark lines down the ceramic and sliding into clear water.

“Fuck”

He leant over, watching fat spots appear on the bone white basin.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine” said Isak.

The guy looked uncertain, watching Isak in the mirror.

“Are you sure? Do you want me to get someone?”

“No. Leave me alone.”

The guy left.

Isak pinched his nose and waited for the bleeding to stop. He looked fucking terrible under the bathroom lights, pale with grey smudges under his eyes and a big bloodstain just below his neckline of his shirt. He had been given it for his birthday a few years ago, while he was still living with his parents.

“Isak?”

There was a hand on his shoulder and then he was looking at Even.

“Shit. Did someone hurt you?”

Even’s other hand was on the back of his neck as he searched his face for injury but Isak drew back, embarrassed.

“It’s just a fucking nosebleed.”

“Oh”

Even dropped his hands and ran one through his hair. He seemed awkward because he emptied the towel dispenser, handing Isak a ridiculous wad of tissues. Isak held a few to his nose but the bleeding had mostly stopped now.

“Aren’t you supposed to lean your head back?” he asked.

“That just makes it go down your throat” said Isak.

“Oh.”

Honestly, it was kind of surreal to see Even like this. He didn’t think he’d ever see again him after that night, why would he? It’s not as if they had anything in common, except for maybe being alone at parties.

Isak ran the rest of the towels under the tap and started to clean his face.

“Do you get them a lot?” Even asked.

He looked paler under the bathroom lights, his hair blonder, but his eyes were as bright as they had looked in the dark. He was taller as well, now that they weren’t sitting on a wall.

“I didn’t use to…but yeah, kind of.”

“You look like you fucking killed someone” he said and that smile was back, teasing and lovely.

Isak swore. “I know. I don’t even have a jacket.”

“What about your PE kit?”

“It’s at home”

“You could go home, it’s nearly lunch” said Even.

“No I can’t go home”

Even looked at him.

“Come back to mine?” he said after a moment. “I live really close, I’ll lend you something.”

“No, I can’t.” said Isak.

“I was gonna go home anyway, its almost lunch so we’ll be back in time for fifth period.”

He smiled and tried to catch Isak’s eyes.

“Seriously, you can’t go around like that. You look like you’ve been shot, someone will call the fucking police.”

He was right and it was kind of funny.

“Okay, we’ll go to yours.”

“Yeah?”

Even raised his eyebrows like he was surprised.

“Yeah.”

 

Outside, a tepid breeze blew through the leaves on the trees, green against a sheet-white sky.

Even walked with his hands in the pockets of that same denim jacket. He looked at his phone a few times but otherwise he just walked beside Isak, not saying anything, their shoulders nudging occasionally.

“How far is it?” Isak asked after a while.

“About 10 minutes”

They lapsed back into silence.

“Good conversation.” Said Even and Isak rolled his eyes at him but he felt shy, so shy. Even bumped their shoulders together and Isak couldn’t help but smile back at him.

_Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be fucking stupid._

He dropped his eyes to the pavement.

A few minutes passed before something occurred to him.

“Uhh, why did you go to Bakka when you live so close to Nissen?”

“I moved last year”

 

Even’s house was small with pebble-dash walls and white windows that reflected a watery blue sky. He dug around in his rucksack for his keys and then opened the door.

“Hello”

There was no answer.

“Nice” he said and he kicked his shoes into a pile that took up most of the hall: trainers and ballet pumps and school shoes.

“You have siblings?” asked Isak

“Yeah, a brother and a sister.”

Isak added his shoes to the heap.

“How old are they?”

“Thomas is 4, Mari is 11.”

The hall was warm and smelled faintly of dust; a light with a paper shade hung from the ceiling. To the left was a radiator with a narrow shelf over it, photos in frames and plastic animals interspersed along it. A bowl of keys, a half-drunk mug of tea, a note reminding someone to feed the cat, a landline phone and a hairbrush confirmed that this was where the family put anything they were holding before they left the house.

Isak didn’t realise he was smiling until Even gave him a look.

In front of the hall was a staircase with a cream carpet and wooden banisters, a poster for Moulin Rouge stuck on the landing halfway up.

“My mum used to love that film” said Isak.

“Yeah, so does mine” Said Even. “It’s a great film.”

Isak couldn’t remember it very well but he agreed anyway.

He followed Even up to his room, which was the first on the left at the top of the stairs. It had large windows and a wooden floor scattered with books and paper. There was a bunkbed against one wall and a desk underneath it, the space in-between filled with pictures and writings and drawings. The drawings were simple but there was something life-like about the little figures made from black lines; they danced and played basketball and kissed; they kissed boys and girls.

“Did you draw these?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re really good.”

Even handed Isak a plain white t-shirt from the cupboard and deliberately started gathering up the papers while Isak changed into it. Isak was grateful for that, he was in kind of a state.

The top was a bit long for him but he didn’t think it was too noticeable.

“It’s a bit long, does it look okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, it looks good.”

There was a thud as Even got down from a chair he was using to reach something off his cupboard. He had taken off his jacket and he was wearing a white t-shirt, his hair soft and untidy. He held up a joint.

 

They sat on the sill with the window open, though there was no way all the smoke was going out that way.

“Have you skipped any lessons yet?” asked Even.

“No, have you?”

“Not many.”

He passed Isak the joint.

“Maybe we should now?”

Even raised his eyebrows in question and Isak couldn’t help a bemused smile.

“Maybe we should.”

Isak didn’t feel nervous like he had that night, all shaken and upset, he felt safe. It felt like that time of night when it is too late to sleep and you might as well just wait for the dawn.

“Stress, sleep deprivation or previous injury? Which one?”

“What?” Isak asked.

“Those are the main causes of a nosebleed” said Even. “Which do you think it was?”

“How do you know that?”

Even took back the joint.

“I looked it up”

“On the way here?”

“Yes” said Even. “Which one?”

Isak thought for a moment.

“Probably the sleep one.”

“That’s shitty” said Even.

“Yeah.”

“When I don’t sleep, I go kind of crazy” and he said and something about him stopped Isak from agreeing, so he let the moment pass until they were back to smoking in silence.

“What stops you sleeping?” asked Even.

Isak shrugged.

Even rested his head back against the wall. His wavy hair was pushed back but a few curls always fell down over his forehead and there was a hint of pink in his cheeks that was fully realised in his lips.

If Isak didn’t know better he would think Even was looking at him in the same way.

“My mums gonna kill me when she smells this place” Even said and Isak wouldn’t normally have laughed but he was high as fuck, give him a break.

 

HALVOR CALLING.

 

“Shit Fuck. Fuck”

Isak rejected the call and stood up so fast he felt dizzy.

“Wow. What?”

Even steadied him and it was ridiculous how Isak reacted to his touches and it was ridiculous that he was even here.

What the fuck was he thinking?

“I have to go.”

 

HALVOR:  
Where the fuck are you?

School finished 8 minutes ago.

 

Even followed his down the stairs and stood at the bottom while Isak pulled on his trainers.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. It’s fine, just someone was just supposed to pick me up”

“Oh okay. Chill, you’ll only be a bit late.”

Halvor was calling him again and Isak rejected it before he picked up his bag.

“Thanks Even. I’ll probably see you around school and stuff”

“Yeah okay. Bye Isak.”


	3. Don't you dare

On Friday, Isak woke to an aching in his limbs and a dampness under his head. The clock read 6:27 and a sliver of bright white sky was visible between the curtains. His pillow was covered with blood, sticky and black in the grey tinged light.

“Oh for fucks sake, Isak” Halvor groaned when Isak got up and stumbled to the bathroom.

He held his hands under his nose even though the blood had mostly stopped, starting to dry and block his nose already. He sorted himself out as best as he could, the water cold against his sleep-warm skin and the lights making his eyes ache. He filled the basin with cold water and submerged the pillowcase in it, knowing it would do nothing to remove the stain. The blood turned the water almost rosy in colour.

He left the pillowcase to soak and padded back into the bedroom, his feet still cold from the bathroom tiles. He couldn’t see Halvor until he turned over, his black hair mussed against the white duvet.

“Come here” he said.

Isak crawled in gratefully, tucking his knees up to his stomach and resting his head on his arm in place of a pillow. Halvor let him nestle into his side.

“Jesus, why you have to be so bony?”

“Sorry” Isak mumbled, his eyelids heavy and his skin feeling chilled.

The room was silent, morning shadows overlapping on the walls.

“Did you sleep okay?” Isak asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

Halvor rolled onto his side to look at Isak with dark green eyes. He didn’t seem angry with him.

“Do you know what I was thinking?” he asked.

Isak looked up at him with a tentative smile.

“No, what were you thinking?”

“We should move.” Said Halvor.

“Oh.”

“I think things would be better somewhere else, away from my fucking dad and your crazy mum and all the shit that’s happened.”

Isak tried hard to keep his expression neutral.

“What about school though?”

“I mean after I graduate, stupid.” Halvor grinned. “Straight fucking A’s! And I’ll get a job with some bank and make shit loads of money.”

A part of Isak wanted to believe him, that things would be better if they weren’t in Oslo. He knew there were things here that stressed Halvor out, made it harder for Isak to make him happy. But Isak couldn’t leave Oslo.

“It’s not like you have friends here”

“Yes I do.” Said Isak.

“Yeah? Like who, Jonas?” Isak frowned. “He’s just so fucking high he doesn’t realise what an idiot you are.”

“That’s too far”

Isak got up and went to his chest of draws, pulling out a pair of jeans with his back to Halvor.

“Fucking hell, Isak. When are you going to learn to take a joke?”

Isak couldn’t help it. It was ridiculous but he couldn’t deal with Halvor demeaning his friendship with Jonas, even if he was right. It was pathetic, but Isak needed to believe that Jonas cared about him, or at least he had until Isak pushed him away.

Halvor stood up and started getting dressed as well, tugging on jeans and a t-shirt.

“Whatever. You can walk to school.”

\----------------------------------------

Isak was late but he was still glad to walk, even if it did mean that he missed the first 20 minutes of Maths. He sat alone at the back and then tried to catch up during break, going straight to his PE lesson when the bell rang midmorning.

He didn’t usually enjoy PE but this term was football and he had always been kind of alright at that. The time went quickly and he even laughed at Jonas’ attempts at keepie-uppies.

The boys crowded into the changing rooms at the end of the lesson, their voices echoing and boots clattering on the stone floor. Benches divided the space, bags hung above each place. Isak went straight to his and slipped his top off and t-shirt on as quickly as he could. He knew the bruises were subtle, old and yellowing, but he didn’t know what he would say if someone noticed.

Jonas was across from him, talking to Magnus and Mahdi as they unlaced their boots.

“Hey Isak, are you coming to the canteen now?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He wasn’t intending to and he ended up regretting it sooner than expected when Magnus talked about one of Eva’s friends the entire way there.

“I swear, we would have hooked up. We would have.”

“Yeah but she was too drunk, man.”

“Yeah I know she was too drunk but that was later. I swear she’s into me.”

The canteen was still busy like it always was at the beginning of lunch, before people who just bought their food could go and eat it somewhere else. They managed to find a table that was free and sat down in a four.

“Are you guys going to Lisa’s tonight?”

“Yeah of course, man” said Jonas.

“Are you coming?” Magnus asked Isak, pulling a squashed looking sandwich out of his bag.

“Uhh, I don’t know” said Isak. “I’ll have to ask Halvor. I think I was gonna go to a party with him.”

“Fair enough”

Jonas shook his head.

“I think you should come out with us, man. It’ll be fun. You spend so much time with him.”

Isak there was a serious undertone to his words that the other two boys missed.

“Relax” said Mahdi, misunderstanding Isak’s discomfort. “He wants to be with his boy, not everyone is as single as you, Jonas.”

Magnus laughed but Jonas didn’t take his eyes off Isak. He actually looked kind of pissed.

“So...are you gonna eat anything, or?”

Isak looked up in surprise. “Uhh...I- No. I don’t have any money.”

“I have money!” Magnus announced loud enough to make Isak flinch. He dug in his pockets and produced a small handful of coins.

“Thanks” said Isak.

“No stress”

He left the table without looking at Jonas.

\----------------------------------------

Halvor picked him up from school like he usually did, the morning forgotten. Isak kissed him on the cheek before he strapped himself in.

“Good day?” asked Halvor.

“Yes” said Isak.

“We’re going out tonight”

“Oh? Where?”

“Elisa’s having a party at her’s. We’ll go with the boys.”

“Okay” said Isak.

 

They got to the party before most people had arrived and Elisa was still grabbing ornaments off of shelves and rolling rugs back from the wooden floor. Halvor’s arm was a constant pressure around Isak’s waist.

The house started to fill up at around 21:00 and Isak ended up in the corner, sitting on a faded red sofa with Halvor, Finn and Karl.

“Sonja looks really hot.”

“Yeah, she’s single right?” asked Karl.

“Yeah I think so” said Finn.

“You should go for it.”

Isak recognised even fewer people than he usually did at Bakka parties, apparently because some of them were in the year above. Music interweaved with chat and Isak felt himself relax slightly at Halvor’s side, already a bit tipsy from the beers he had drunk.

“Fucking hell”

“What?” asked Karl.

“Is that Elias Bakkoush?”

“Yeah it is” said Halvor.

“Fuck. And Mutta and Adam…”

Finn whistled. “They’ve got some nerve showing up here.”

Isak was sure he recognised the name Bakkoush.

“Who are they?” he asked.

“They’re in the year above. They hate Karl because he kept trying to hit on some girl Mutta was with” said Finn.

“I don’t get his deal, won’t he get an arranged marriage or some shit anyway?”

“You're such an idiot, Karl. That’s why he got punched, not because he got off with Ida”

“Fuck off Finn, whose side are you on?”

The group of boys who had just come in had their arms around each other and were already swaying to whatever this music was. They greeted Elisa enthusiastically.

“Did Elisa invite them?” asked Halvor.

“She could have” said Finn. “Aren’t they friends with Sonja?”

“If you think I wouldn’t hit a Muslim…”

Isak definitely did think that Halvor would hit a Muslim, but he also really didn’t want that to happen. He had counted six beers that Halvor had had so far and that was enough to make him feel scared.

“I’m getting another drink.”

Halvor drew his arm back from around Isak’s waist and got up from the sofa, but Isak followed him.

The kitchen was tiny and completely empty and Halvor shot Isak a fierce look when he saw him.

“Please don’t”

“What?”

“Don’t have another. You know how you get…”

Halvor ignored him and opened the fridge.

“Halv, plea-“

Halvor slapped him then, hard across the face.

Isak heard himself gasp and then Halvor was in his space, backing Isak up until he was pressed against the kitchen counter.

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do. Ever.”

Isak nodded, blinking away shocked tears. He meant to say sorry but Halvor was gone before he could and he was alone.

Or, mostly alone.

“What are you looking at?”

 

The stairs were crowded and Isak had to press himself into the wall to get through to the front door. People were still arriving and they swore at him as he shoved past and out onto the pavement.

His cheek felt hot and his chest was heavy with guilt. Halvor had hit him harder than that before, but it still hurt to see how easily he did it now. How angry Isak made him.

It wasn’t his fault. He was drunk. He loves you.

Someone was locking their bike to the railings outside the house. Someone with blonde, pushed up hair and a denim fucking jacket.

“Isak?”

Even closed the lock and came towards Isak, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“What are you doing here?” asked Isak.

“I’m going to the party, aren’t you?”

He was standing under a streetlight and it made his hair look almost golden, casting shadows over his face.

“No. I’m leaving”

“Oh.” Even chewed on his lip. “Yeah…me too.”

“What? You just said-“

“No, I was leaving. It’s a shit party.”

Isak narrowed his eyes but Even just looked amused. He tilted his head to gauge Isak’s reaction.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“Anywhere.”

They walked aimlessly, turning left and right onto quiet streets with painted lines and silver cars parked along them. Houses were silhouettes against a lightbox blue.

“You don’t like parties much, do you?”

“No” said Isak.

“Why do you go?”

Isak shrugged.

“Because I’m an idiot”

Even turned around then and Isak didn’t expect him to turn. Didn’t expect him looking at him with searching blue eyes.

“You’re not an idiot.” He said quietly. He looked genuine and confused and sad. “Who made you think that?”

_Don’t be sad for me. I never want you to be sad for me._

They were close, so close and Isak couldn’t breathe and for a moment he thought Even might take his hands.

He didn’t though, he didn’t touch him and Isak felt pathetic.

 

They were on the main road that ran parallel to the waterfront and a few cars passed through the stillness like ghosts, headlights bright in the hazy dusk.

“Didn’t you want to go?” Isak asked. “To the party?”

“Not really” said Even. “I haven’t seen anyone there in like, a really long time. Sonja said I should see them again but…”

Isak nodded. “…sometimes you drift too far, right? You can't just go back."

“I think you can. It's just hard."

 

The waterfront was deserted, a wooden walkway leading out into the water like an aisle. Isak let Even lead him down to the water and they sat on the edge, crossing their legs because the water was too high for them to hang down. Reflections slipped over the surface but the water was dark and still.

“I bring Thomas and Mari here sometimes” said Even.

“I bet they love it”

“Yeah. They jump off the edge in the summer.”

Isak smiled at the thought.

“Do you have siblings?” asked Even.

“I have a half sister. Her name is Lea, but I've never met her.”

“Why not?”

Isak looked down at the water lapping at the side while he spoke.

“Because my dad left and he didn't want contact with me or my mum. Like, I kind of get it, but he's still a dick."

“So it's just you and your mum?”

"Not anymore. I live with flatmates.”

Even nodded and he looked beautiful, so beautiful to Isak.

“At least you have some freedom. No one is, like, breathing down your neck.”

Isak was surprised at himself but he actually laughed at that.

“I guess.”

 

The light was fading quickly and the city lights bobbed in the water like fallen stars. He felt like he was dreaming, it didn’t feel real. Part of him was scared and hoped that it wasn’t.

When he looked over at Even he was taking off his shoes and socks.

“What- What are you doing?”

“I want to swim.”

“You want to swim? Are you being serious?”

“Yes, don’t you?”

Isak didn’t even answer, just watched as he slipped down into the water, his white top billowing and ghostlike.

“Oh my God! Isn’t it cold?”

“A little. You get used to it.”

Even looked like a water baby, his skin pale and glowing.

“What?” he laughed. “You don’t believe me?”

“Why would I believe you?” said Isak.

“Because you should trust me”

And he did goddammit. He was a fucking idiot but he trusted him. He let him unzip his hoodie and push it back over his shoulders, and he let him hold him under the arms and pull him in.

Isak gasped.

“Fuck! You said it wasn’t cold!”

Even’s laugh carried.

“I said you get used to it”

“Yeah, that’s called hypothermia, Even.”

They both laughed more and Isak swallowed water which made them laugh harder. He was so happy he kind of forgot that he needed to kick his legs not to drown.

Even swam up to him and held him under one arm, holding them both up with his other hand on the side. He was close enough that Isak could see the water droplets on his skin and between his eyelashes. His breathing hitched and then Even kissed him.

He leaned in and pressed their lips together like it was the simplest thing in the world.

Halvor rarely kissed him, never in public and only at home when he wanted more from him.

Even cupped his face and the tenderness of it made something ache inside him. Even pulled back, looking at Isak like he was unsure and Isak stared back through hooded eyes, lips parted and his heart beating in his ears.

Even kissed him again, surer this time but no less sweet. He kept drawing back and then kissing him deeper, deeper and deeper and Isak couldn’t help the tiny breathless sounds he was making.

He threaded damp fingers in his hair and kissed him with all the hope he still held.

Even pulled away from his mouth and started kissing along his jawline, his lips never once leaving Isak’s skin.

“You deserve to be kissed, and often” he whispered, pressing another kiss to the skin under his ear. “…by someone who knows how.”

Isak laughed but it sounded more like a sob and Even kissed him even gentler after that, his hands on him, holding him up.

They kissed until they couldn't feel the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so late, I went away and this chapter was really hard to write so I'm sorry if it sucks.
> 
> The 'you deserve to be kissed' quote is from Gone with the Wind, if you didn't know, and I strongly believe that Even has used it on Isak at least once in every universe.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you liked it <3


	4. More than anyone will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is literally the angstiest shit I don't even know there it came from. Please don't read if you're not prepared for that.
> 
> There are also a few more tags to be aware of.
> 
> Your comments make me so happy so thank you <3 <3
> 
>  
> 
> (also, I just wanted to say, in case your worried about how I'm handling this, Isak is going to learn, with help from people like Jonas, Sana and Even, that he deserves more. He and Even are not going to get together straight away, that would be really unhealthy for Isak. There will be way more Even soon though I promise.)

The lights were off in the flat and the lock clicked as Isak shut the door behind him.

Inside it was warm and spotlessly tidy, just as Halvor had to have it, and Isak left his shoes next to his against the skirting board in the hall.

The bedroom door was closed.

Isak held his sodden t-shirt balled in one hand and the inside of his hoodie clung to the dampness on his skin. He could feel drops fall from the hair at the nape of his neck and trickle down his back.

He locked himself in the bathroom and started to undress as quickly as he could, unzipping his hoodie and tugging off clammy jeans. He tried not to look in the mirror, tried not to see the ugly bruises that marred his body.

“Liar” his mum used to call him. She was right.

The water hit the bottom of the shower in a violent burst and Isak actually jumped. He ran it hot enough to leave his skin a dark pink, as if he could burn the memory of his touch.

His touch, his touch, his touch.

Isak slept on the sofa that night, or he tried to. His hoodie was still a bit damp but it was all he had so he tucked his limbs in as best he could, pulling the hood up and the sleeves over his hands.

The room looked unfamiliar, filtered in a grainy darkness.

He thought about where he would be if Halvor hadn’t found him that night in first year. Would he be at home still? With his dad? A care home?

Guilt coiled and wrapped itself tight around him where he lay.

He must have fallen asleep at some point early on Saturday morning because he missed Halvor leave for work. On Sunday, he realised that the front door key was missing from his keyring.

\----------------------------------------

“Are you okay?” Jonas asked when he saw him outside school.

“Yeah, I’m good. How are you?”

“I’m fine” said Jonas.

It was Monday morning and a constant stream of students passed them where they stood by the entrance.

“How was your weekend?”

“It was good.” Said Isak. “Quiet. I didn’t really go out.”

Jonas nodded. “Me neither, History is kicking my ass.”

He did look tired.

“Are you doing anything after school?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Said Isak. “I am. Sorry”

Jonas was probably used to being lied to by now and despite everything that still made him feel like shit.

Biology started in ten minutes and they were supposed to be working on their coursework. Isak was paired with a Muslim girl called Sana who got straight A’s and was perpetually pissed off. That was okay though, Isak could respect that. At least she was consistent.

She turned to him as soon as the teacher had moved on.

“Okay, listen. If we’re working together, you’re going to have to get your shit together.”

“What?”

“You look like your about to fall asleep while I’m talking to you.”

Isak took his head out of his hands.

“Whatever, I’m sorry”

Sana raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t apologise, sort it out. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

Isak scowled at her but she didn’t relent.

“It’s just some stuff going on, okay? I’ll fix it.”

“Is it your boyfriend?” she asked.

“What?”

Her eyes were hard and lined with black.

“He’s called Halvor right?”

“How do you-“

“Dump him.”

“What?“

“I said: Dump him. He’s an asshole” she said and she opened her textbook.

“What the fuck? You don’t know him.”

“No, but my brother does and they got into a fight last Friday. So fuck knows I’m not going to let his boyfriend fuck up my coursework as well”

She didn’t even look up as she spoke.

“Okay. Whatever.”

They sat in that awkward silence for nearly an hour, Isak catching up on prep and Sana outlining their experiment.

Bakkoush. She was that guy’s sister.

“Why do they hate each other?” he asked.

Sana raised her head, confused.

“Your brother’s friends and Halvor’s friends? Why do they hate each other?”

She thought for a moment.

“Because Halvor’s friends were cunts to someone my brother used to be close to.”

That Isak could believe.

He decided that he liked Sana, she was tough.

 

He went to the library after school the next day and the day after that to get the prep over with. There was no point in going home early anyway because Halvor had his keys.

He walked his days on razor wire. Even still wasn’t in school and none of his friends knew why.

What if Halvor hurt him? Even could have told anyone.

Isak would deserve everything he got if Halvor found out but not Even. Not Even.

 

HALVOR:  
Are you still in the library? I’ll pick you up. 20 minutes xx

Finn and Karl are over for drinks.

ISAK:  
Okay xx

HALVOR:  
Actually make that 35 minutes.

Traffic’s being a bitch.

ISAK:  
Okay xx  
 

It was Thursday evening and Isak waited by the gates while he pretended to be on his phone. The air was humid and dark clouds crowded the sky.

The boy walked with his head down, the hood of his green jacket pulled up over a grey hoodie.

“Even.”

He looked different, exhausted, but no less lovely.

“Hi” Isak said a little breathlessly.

“Hi”

His blonde hair was flattened down over his forehead by a burgundy beanie. He looked surprised to see Isak, nervous even. It was stupid but Isak kind of wanted to reach out for him.

“Where have you been?”

“…I was ill” said Even.

They were quiet, just taking each other in. Even shifted and licked his lips uncertainly.

“I told you” said Isak.

“What?”

“That you’d get hypothermia”

Even smiled at that but his eyes didn’t crinkle at the edges like they usually did.

“Yeah…It wasn’t hypothermia.”

Isak wished that smile lasted a little longer. He glanced down.

“Have you…told anyone? About…?”

“No” said Even.

Isak realised then that he never really thought Even would.

“Are you going to?”

“Not if you don’t want me to”

_You’re so good. I’m a bad person but you’re so good._

“I also won’t tell anyone that you can’t swim”

“Huh?”

Even raised his eyebrows and laughed softly.

“Are you talking about me?” Isak brought his hand to his chest. “I’m a fucking great swimmer!”

“It didn’t look like it.”

Isak was affronted. “That’s because you made me laugh! No one is better at swimming than me.”

Even nodded but he had to bite his lip to stop smiling.

“You don’t believe me? Huh?”

“Yeah, okay! I believe you.”

Isak was smiling hard. “It doesn’t look like it!”

_You make me forget. I hate myself but you make me forget._

“Isak?”

Suddenly there was an arm on his shoulder, turning him and Halvor kissed him before he could register what was happening.

He froze, ice shooting down his body.

“Hey.” Halvor grinned. “I didn’t know you knew Even.”

Isak let him pull him closer. Even’s expression was unreadable, but he wasn't looking at Halvor.

“Answer me.”

“I don’t know him” Isak said quietly.

His eyes and cheeks burned.

There was a small frown on Even’s face and he was looking at Isak. Isak looked away.

“How are you?” he heard Halvor ask. “Are things going better this time around?”

“Yeah, things are fine.”

“That’s good.” said Halvor.

Even didn’t answer him.

“Good luck, yeah?” Halvor started to guide Isak away. “Lets hope nothing catches up with you.”

His arm was heavy around Isak’s shoulders as they went to the car but Isak did nothing to push it away.

“What’s the matter?” Halvor asked.

“Nothing’s the matter”

“Okay. Good.”

Halvor shoved his key into the ignition and drove them back to the flat in silence. It started to rain, red and yellow lights blurring on the windscreen.

“I told you the boys are over.”

“Yes” Isak replied.

_Don’t cry. You mustn’t cry._

Karl and Finn were watching football on their TV.

“Hey guys! We ordered pizza.”

“Nice” said Halvor, kicking his shoes in line with the others.

Finn leaned over the back of the sofa.

“Halvor’s so fucking whipped, picking his boyfriend up in the rain.”

“Didn’t get any thanks” said Halvor, coming over.

Isak sat down against the sofa and Finn ruffled his hair.

“Karl doesn’t agree with me that Isak looks like Griezmann”

“He’s not as hot as Griezmann” said Halvor.

Finn elbowed him. “Don’t be such a dick”

Halvor snaked an arm around Isak’s waist.

“He knows I love him”

They bickered and drank and Isak just felt numb.

It’s fine. It’s just over.

“Halvor shouldn’t have any more beer, he’ll get violent like he did on Friday.” Finn joked.

“Yeah, he gets daddy issues when he drinks”

“Fuck off, Karl”

Finn realised his mistake and tried to change the subject.

“Hey, do you know Sonja hasn’t texted me back?”

Halvor ignored him and finished his beer.

“She only likes crazy guys.” Said Karl. “Makes her feel in control”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Yeah. She broke up with Even.” Said Finn.

“You know he goes to Nissen now?” said Halvor, putting down his beer.

“What?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I saw him just now talking to Isak.”

“I thought he went to a special school.”

“Yeah, he was psycho” said Karl.

“You should stay away from him” Finn teased Isak.

“Why?”

“Because he’s fucking crazy” said Halvor, leaning forward to pick up a piece of pizza.

“He’s not crazy” said Finn. “He’s bipolar. It means you do loads of impulsive shit like making out with random people and then crash and get really depressed.”

“Yeah, he tried to kiss this random guy even though I’m pretty sure he’s straight. I mean he had a girlfriend for fuck’s sake.”

“It’s not funny” said Finn. “He tried to kill himself after that.”

“Karl, do you still have the video of when he turned up at Nils’ naked?” asked Halvor.

“I think I do. Oh my God I had forgotten about that.”

“Didn’t he get done for public indecency?”

“So fucking funny.”

Isak felt winded.

“You guys are sick” said Finn. “I’m getting another beer.”

Karl was playing a video on his phone and Isak couldn’t do it.

“And then the police arrive. Fuck.”

There was screaming and laughing coming from the phone speakers and Isak had to get out.

He got to the bedroom and crumpled against the wall. He tried to get his breathing under control but he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. His chest hurt and he sobbed silently into his hands before he trying to pull himself together.

_You can’t cry. You can’t cry._

He wiped his tears with his sleeve but a few still managed to drip onto the carpet and he couldn’t stop heaving.

Even kissed him and Isak was disgusted with himself for that but this was different. It took him completely off guard and hit something deeper. Fuck. He had been so fucking easy.

Even was mentally ill. He was manic when they kissed.

_You kissed me like I was worth something._

He curled in on himself.

Even tried to kill himself. The reality of that had only just started to sink in. Isak’s mum had tried to kill herself once when he was little and it was the blackest day.

Even tried to kill himself. Even who always got Isak to smile no matter how much he was hurting. Even who was kind without question and laughed without a hint of cruelty. Even who offered him a cigarette and lent him his t-shirt and kissed him like he cared so damn much.

Rain pattered on the bedroom window; the bedroom he shared with his boyfriend where he cried the first night they met and so many nights since.

An hour or so had passed before there was a knock at the door.

“Isak?”

Halvor stood over him.

“What’s the matter?”

Isak only managed to shake his head. He heard the others talking loudly in the living room before Halvor shut the door moved to sit in front of him.

“Isak, look at me”

_How could you do that to him? I didn’t know you could be so cruel. I didn’t know._

“Is it your mum? Is she texting you again?”

Isak nodded and Halvor pulled him into his lap, stroking his hair calmly.

“I told you to block her number.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

Tears still ran down Isak’s cheeks and Halvor hugged him tight.

“It’s okay. Don’t cry.”

How could you be so cruel?

“I love you so much Isak”

Isak just felt empty. He thought about Even, how fragile he had looked.

“I love you more than anyone will”

And Isak was so stupid and confused and so sad he thought his heart might break.

“I know.”


	5. Don't lie to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always please check the tags!! This gets kind of dark im sorrrryyy but I promise it will get better xxxx

JONAS:  
(16/07/16) I’m sorry. If you love him then I don’t want this to come between us. I said those things because I care about you but you’re right, it’s none of my business. I hope you can forgive me.

(18/07/16) Do you want to meet up?

(23/07/16) I’m fucking sorry for what I said but he treats you like shit.

ISAK:  
(23/07/16) Please stop texting me.

JONAS:  
(05/08/16) Are you okay? You haven’t been in school.

ISAK:  
(07/08/16) I’m fine, sorry. I’ll be in tomorrow.

JONAS:  
(07/08/16) How are you?

JONAS:  
(17/08/16) Do you want to meet up?

ISAK:  
(22/08/16) I can’t.

JONAS:  
(22/08/16) Why not?

JONAS:  
(1 week ago) Isak I know your avoiding me. I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me.

JONAS:  
(1 week ago) Are you coming to Eva’s tonight?

JONAS:  
(3 days ago) Why aren’t you in school? Is everything okay?

ISAK:  
(2 days ago) Sorry I was ill. Everything’s fine.

JONAS:  
(2 days ago) Okay good. Are you free this week some time? I need to talk to you.

 

Jonas stood by his locker, talking to Mahdi as he took things out of it and slid them into his rucksack. He was wearing a plaid shirt he’d had forever and blue jeans, his hair a little longer than usual and no less unruly. He had faint lines under his eyes.

Magnus was talking about some film he’d seen over the weekend. He’d waited for Isak outside Maths, giving him little choice but to walk to lunch with him. He was easy to be with though because he demanded nothing of his company.

“Hey guys” he greeted Jonas and Mahdi.

“Hey Mags. Hey Isak.”

“Hey” said Isak.

“Are you guys good?”

“Yeah” said Mahdi. “I’m fucking starving”

They sat in what Isak assumed had become the boys’ usual table in the corner of the dining hall. There were less people because it was warm outside and bright boxes of light fell on the floor under the windows.

One fell right across the table and Isak fiddled with his water bottle while the others ate, watching the distorted lines where the sun passed through it.

Mahdi was trying to convince Jonas to come to a Bakka party with him through a mouthful of pasta.

“Isabelle invited me so you have to come so I look like I have friends.”

“Yeah but I don’t know if I can be bothered to go that far for a party”

“Oh come on, it’s not that far.”

Jonas shook his head.

“I have a tonne of History due next Monday”

“You have all week for that!”

Isak felt someone nudge his arm.

“Do you need money again?” Magnus asked him quietly.

“Oh. No thanks, I’m fine”

Magnus ran a hand through his hair and then leaned back to reach into his trouser pocket.

“I said no” said Isak as he held out a few coins.

“Yeah I know” said Magnus “but…you must be hungry”

“I’m not”

Magnus frowned.

“Seriously, it’s fine”

“No” said Isak.

“You can just pay me back”

“I said no!”

It came out harsher than he meant it and Jonas and Mahdi were both looking at him now. Magnus’ fingers curled back over the coins.

“Okay, that’s it” said Jonas. “Me and Isak are skipping”

His chair scraped back on the floor and he zipped his bag before picking Isak’s up with it.

“What the fuck?”

Isak stood up. Magnus looked ready to protest but Mahdi tugged his sleeve down and said something that Isak didn’t hear because he was already following Jonas out of the dining hall.

“Jonas!”

His voice echoed down the windowless corridor.

“Jonas, what the fuck?”

Isak was panicking. Jonas turned around and he sounded angry.

“We’re getting kebabs and you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on.”

“No. I’m not doing that” said Isak.

“But you have to eat, Isak!” Jonas brought a hand to his face as he tried to collect himself and maybe he wasn’t angry. Maybe he was just scared. “I don’t- You’ve lost so much weight. You don’t eat, you don’t sleep by the look of it. So don’t you dare tell me you’re okay.”

_Please don’t make me do this._

“Please, just- Give me my bag” said Isak.

“It’s because of him isn’t it? He hates me so you’re not allowed to talk to me.”

Suddenly Isak couldn’t move.

“I texted him.” Said Jonas. “Last week when you weren’t in school and you weren’t answering me. He told me you were fine but you weren’t fine, Is.”

_I don’t deserve you. You don’t deserve this._

“He told me I should leave you alone” said Jonas and Isak smiled as though his heart could sink any lower.

“Maybe you should.”

Because Halvor had threatened Jonas before, the one time Isak had tried to leave him. Halvor said he hadn’t, that Isak was lying, but for once Isak knew he remembered right.

“I hung out with you because I had a crush on you, okay” He couldn’t look at Jonas. He knew it was fucked up, Halvor had told him how fucked up it was. “You were nice to me so I thought maybe you liked me back, but you just liked the attention.”

Halvor had a lot to say about all Isak’s relationships, but especially about Jonas. He was selfish and egotistical, he didn’t care about Isak. He’d used him. Isak tried so hard not to believe him, even when Halvor made him say it back to him, and he didn’t, not really. But he was in so deep, so so deep.

“I’m not a kid anymore, Jonas, I don’t need you around feeling sorry for me”

_I don’t you to worry about me. I never wanted you to have to worry about me._

“I’m happy with Halvor. So I don’t know if your jealous or what, but I want you to stay away from me.”

Isak pulled his bag away from Jonas. It felt heavy on his shoulders but he didn’t look back and Jonas didn’t come after him.

It hurt like fuck, a physical pain in his stomach and his chest and his ribs, but he knew. He knew he’d lost Jonas the night he told Halvor he used to have feelings for him.

He put one foot in front of the other until he was out in the courtyard, the sun shining and tears blurring his vision.

“Isak?”

There were hands on his shoulders and familiar brown eyes looking into his own.

“Isak are you okay? What happened?” asked Eva.

Isak blinked hard. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

She was so kind, freckled face and auburn hair. He hadn’t seen her in so long.

“Where are you going?” she asked and he couldn’t lie to her.

“Home” he shrugged. “I’m not feeling great.”

“Okay.”

She hugged him then and Isak seriously never thought she’d do that again.

“I hope you feel better” she told him against his shoulder.

“Thank you.”

He nodded and stepped back.

“Text me, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” said Isak.

A group of first years were kicking a tennis ball around, running and shouting in the busy school yard while others sat at benches along the building, chatting and eating lunch in the clouded sunshine. The gates were open and third years came and went to buy food from the shop around the corner.

The sun was a blinding white smudge in the sky and Isak walked away from the school, down a small street he’d walked every day with Eva and Jonas in their first year. He didn’t pass any students going this way.

He turned left at the end of the road and kept walking. He walked until he didn’t know where he was, until his feet ached and his anger wore down to an aching sadness.

He couldn’t go home even if he dared because Halvor took his fucking key.

Isak wasn’t an idiot, he knew it wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t supposed to feel this lonely and afraid and smothered with someone you love.

But Isak was manipulative. He lied and made Halvor so angry with him, so upset.

It was his fault. No one would love him like Halvor did.

Isak always thought things would get better, or that he could leave if they got worse, but he didn’t even see it. Now it just felt normal and _fuck_ he was so fucking stupid.

Even if he wanted to leave he couldn’t. He had no money because Halvor had stopped him from getting a job and from keeping in contact with his parents. He owned the apartment. The only place Isak could go was Jonas’ but that would mean telling him and Isak would never do that, he couldn’t.

He had imagined it a million times, but it always ended with Jonas asking:

_“How could you lie to me? How could you let him do that to you?”_

And he didn’t know. He didn’t fucking know.

 

HALVOR CALLING

 

HALVOR:  
Why the fuck is Jonas calling me?

Isak you’d better answer your fucking phone.

Where are you?

 

Halvor found him fast, too fast.

“Just get in the fucking car” he said.

They drove in silence back to the flat and Halvor didn’t so much as look at Isak. His face was like a stone wall that could crash down any moment.

They climbed the indoor staircase up to their floor and then went out onto the open walkway on the edge of the building. The high wind blew between the railings and whipped at their clothes.

Halvor twisted his key in the lock and opened the door to the flat.

“Go in then” he said when Isak hesitated.

It was bright but cool because the heating hadn’t been on since yesterday. Halvor watched Isak go inside and push his shoes into the neat line by the wall.

He pulled his key out of the lock with a skrick.

“I’m going back to work”

Isak stood in the hall and tried to calm himself down. Halvor was gone but he still felt like he was suffocating. Of course Halvor had taken the keys with him.

He dropped his bag on the floor by the sofa and sat with his knees drawn up to his chest. He could feel his heart still beating fast.

He knew Halvor well enough to know that he was angry.

He got out his phone.

GOOGLE SEARCH: what to do if you’re scared of your boyfriend.

GOOGLE SEARCH: abusive relationship

 

* * *

 

 

It was 21:00 and Halvor still wasn’t home.

Isak had been on his phone for hours; his legs were stiff and he could barely keep his eyes open. He had eaten a bowl of cereal when he realised how hungry he was and now he was just tired. The websites were overwhelming, listing signs of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour and shit that made so much sense and at the same time made no sense at all. It was too fucking much and Isak was so tired.

He went to the bedroom and took off his jeans and changed into a big old shirt he thought might have been his dads once. Then he padded to the bathroom and started brushing his teeth, avoiding the mirror as usual. He hoped he could be in bed before Halvor got home.

The door slammed and he heard Halvor drop his bag in the hall.

“Did you make me anything?” Halvor called and Isak walked nervously towards the kitchen.

“No… I thought you might buy something like you did..usually”

Halvor stood at the kitchen counter with his back to Isak.

“You’ve been here all day.” He laughed under his breath.

“I’m sorry, I’ll do something now.”

“No” said Halvor.

He was wearing a white collar shirt with a charcoal hoodie he must have put on for the way home. His hair was sticking up slightly where he’d run his hands through it.

He opened the fridge and cracked two eggs into a mug, still not turning to Isak.

“Are you going to tell me what that shit was earlier?” he asked, his voice even.

Isak brought his hand to the back of his neck.

“Uhh, yeah It was nothing…I uhh just skipped my last lesson because I wasn’t feeling-“

The mug slammed against the counter.

“I meant why you were talking to Jonas” Halvor said calmly.

Isak dropped his hand and stepped back in the doorway.

“Were you talking about me?” asked Halvor

“No.”

Halvor put down the pan he had started to heat up and came right up to Isak, his face inches away.

“Don’t lie to me”

Isak looked back at him with something between obedience and defiance.

“Did he tell you to break up with me? Huh?”

Isak shook his head and Halvor grabbed it.

“Because I’m what? A coward, wasn't it?”

Isak was trying to pull his hands away from his jaw.

“Why were you talking to him?” asked Halvor.

“Because he’s my friend.”

Halvor slapped him across the face.

Isak gasped and blinked at the hot sting, and then he was shoving Halvor away with all of his strength.

“Don’t do that to me!” he shouted but his voice caught and Halvor punched him hard on the left side of his face.

Isak didn’t have enough breath to really make a noise that time, just fell back and caught himself on the counter. He was bent over, trying to get a handle on the pain when Halvor grabbed him roughly and dragged him through the hall.

Isak barely fought back as he was shoved against the railings outside their apartment. His knees hit the concrete and the door slammed behind him. This happened occasionally, when Isak really fucked up.

He stayed there, doubled over on his hands and knees trying to figure out if he was bleeding. He wasn’t.

He didn’t cry, just slumped back against the door and hugged his knees close, making himself as small as possible. He felt numb all over, didn’t even realise at first that he was shaking.

Down the walkway, dirty dome lights were fixed along the wall.

The cold seeped up from the ground and made Isak shiver despite the warm air. He covered himself with his t-shirt as best he could but it was little use.

Behind the railings, the lights in the city started to go out.

Isak slept.

Later, he was dimly aware of the door opening and being caught in a pair of arms, lifted against Halvor’s chest and carried back into the flat.

“It’s okay now.”

 

* * *

 

Isak didn’t see Jonas the next day, which was lucky because he looked like he'd been jumped or something, his eye black and his cheek badly swollen. He never came in on days like this, Halvor wouldn't have let him if he’d tried, but today he slipped away while Halvor was still asleep, easing the bedroom door shut and slipping on his trainers as silently as he could. He couldn’t stay there.

He only had three classes on a Wednesday; it was still stupid to go though. Someone was going to want answers as to why he looked like he’d been beaten up and honestly, maybe Isak hoped they wouldn’t believe his bullshit this time.

Or- Fuck. He didn’t know. He was a mess.

He sat with his hood up for tutor and Mrs Hagen didn’t ask him to take it down. She had taught him since his first day at Nissen and he didn’t know how much she was told about him, but he guessed that she knew something.

“Isak. Stay behind please.”

He could feel the other students’ eyes on him as they left. He sat down reluctantly at the front.

“I’m going to be late.”

“Don’t worry about that” said Mrs Hagen.

He knew she was waiting for him to look at her but he didn’t. If he was going to walk around with a black eye he was going to at least have the dignity to be ashamed of it.

She sighed.

“You’ve been referred to BUP, based on concerns that have been raised to me and other members of staff.”

Isak expected himself to be angry, or to freak out or refuse or something other than this complete void he felt. It was like he was watching himself in a film, completely removed from any choice he may once have had about his life. Part of that might have just been because he had had a really bad night's sleep.

“Isak?” Mrs Hagen asked.

“Yeah?”

“You have an appointment at 16:30 tomorrow. Can you make that?”

Isak nodded at her.

“I’ll give you their card, okay?” She handed him a flimsy purple card that Isak folded small into his pocket. “If you ever want to talk, or if there’s anything you want to tell me, you can. Are you going to be okay today? I know they can’t see you until tomorrow but if it’s urgent I can talk to someone.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Isak picked his bag up off the floor.

“Thank you.”

 

The hallway was far from empty when the bell rang for first period and Isak didn’t miss the looks people were giving him. He was going against the tide trying to get to Biology down the corridor. It was stupid but he really didn’t want Sana to see him.

Even was walking with some third years Isak vaguely recognised, talking and laughing until the moment he saw Isak.

Isak knew he looked a state, swollen and bruised, but Even was so beautiful, touching his arms lightly and asking what happened and was he okay. Isak just nodded with a lump in his throat.

He felt Even curl a warm hand around his wrist and then he was leading him into to an empty classroom. Isak hung his head as he stood against the wall just inside the door. He could feel Even in front of him, watching him.

Even dropped his wrist and brought a hand to Isak’s cheek, lifting his face so he could see him. His eyebrows were drawn together and his eyes were slate blue.

He brushed Isak’s cheek lightly with his fingers, careful, so careful. He hovered over where the pain was worst but his touch was gentle. He was the most gentle person Isak knew.

It so completely ridiculous Isak couldn’t even react, just closed his eyes and felt it, hands reaching for Even's arms.

Even lent in and kissed his damaged skin. His movements were slow, leaving more featherlight kisses when Halvor had hurt him, coloured his skin with fury and malice.

There was something so vulnerable too about this boy, this boy who kissed his face while Isak was just still.

He kissed Isak’s eye softly and something about the gesture kind of broke Isak because he started crying.

He wiped his eyes fiercely and he didn’t look at Even but he knew that he stayed right there.

“Fuck” said Isak. Even probably hadn't expected him to fucking cry.

"Isak" said Even. His voice was low. "Who did this?"

Isak realised that he was an idiot for thinking he wouldn’t ask. He looked down at his hands which were twisted together, palms up.

“It was in PE” he said quietly.

Silence gathered thickly around his lie. He didn't look up.

“Okay” Even said finally.

Isak swallowed. “I have to go." 

He made to push away from the wall but Even brought a hand to his shoulder.

“Wait”

He looked lost, Isak realised, as he ran a hand through his pale blonde hair.

“I uhh. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. But... promise me you’ll talk to someone?”

His blue eyes were back looking into Isak's. Isak shrugged, embarrassed.

“Yeah well, I have to see BUP tomorrow” he said.

“They’re nice there." Said Even. "I used to go."

Even touched him again, just on his cheek, making Isak look at him.

He was reminded of that night by the water.

" _You should trust me"_

“Is it okay if I- give you my phone number?" Even asked. "You don’t have to use it but if you need to, you call me, okay?”

Isak nodded.

He watched as Even ripped a piece of paper on the desk and wrote out his number in thin black pen.

_"You should trust me"_

Isak thought he had forgotten how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m pretty nervous about this chapter because it is kind of problematic. The love Even shows Isak in the classroom is going to help him realise that Halvor does not really love him, however love from someone else is definitely not necessary and probably not ideal for getting out of an abusive relationship. That is going to be explored later on and Isak’s recovery will be central, not a relationship with Even, although it looks that way in this chapter. I hope I’m making some sense and that you’ll trust me to do this story right. Thank you so much for reading and please leave a comment because ngl im kind of scared you’re all going to hate me after this chapter xxxxx


	6. You have to get out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just got back from holiday, which is why this is so late, and ngl i got kind of emotional reading your comments. This story means so much to me and to know that it means something to you is so amazing.
> 
> PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING THIS CHAPTER. There is an attempt to pressure someone into sex and also some short but fairly bad violence. If you want to skip this, go from when Halvor and Isak kiss to 'He got to the front door' (I bolded them to make it easier).
> 
> xxxxx

Isak sat in a narrow waiting room, holding the top strap of his rucksack between his fingers.

There was a young couple across from him, trying to keep their little boy entertained with toys from the box in the corner. He was maybe six, tight curls and tiny hands, squirming in his mother’s lap. Isak caught her eye and then looked quickly away.

The only other person was a girl about his own age, her body crossed and her eyes averted.

Outside, traffic passed on the high street.

After a few minutes, the door to the reception opened and a woman came out.

“Hello. Is your name Isak?” she asked. She had dark skin and short black hair and she held a small notebook in the hand that she didn’t extend for Isak to shake. “I’m Kari.”

She was wearing ordinary clothes: black jeans and a purple jumper with a lanyard around her neck. Isak got up from his chair.

“Have you been at school today, Isak?” she asked as they walked down a short corridor.

 “Yeah”

“And how was that?”

She opened a door with her lanyard and held it opened for him.

“It was okay”

The room was small with vertical blinds, little white beads attaching them to each other just above the sill. They were the same primary shade of blue as the two chairs that sat facing each other over a low round table.

Isak sat in the chair closer to the door with his arms over his midsection. There was a desk with a computer in the corner but other than that the room was stark.

The silence stretched painfully thin.

_Does she want me to say something? She’s the fucking therapist, not me._

Every time he looked at her he was met with a modest smile.

“So, Isak” she said finally. “I don’t know much about why you were referred here. Mrs Hagen has been in touch because some of your friends are worried, is that right?”

Isak nodded, staring at the table leg and how the carpet caved slightly around it.

“First, I want you to know that everything you say here is completely confidential, I won’t tell anyone unless I have good reason to believe that you might be in danger.”

Isak nodded.

Every second of silence that passed in this room made him feel more like a patient.

“Why do you think you were referred here, Isak?” Kari asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Some of your teachers think you’ve lost weight, do you think that’s true?”

“Not really.”

She wasn’t writing anything, just watching him. Isak refused to meet her stare.

They lapsed back into silence and Isak wondered if therapy could actually make someone crazy.

“Do you have many friends?” Kari asked.

 “No.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Isak shrugged and shifted back in his chair.

“Because…I’m not a good person.”

He finally looked at her face. She seemed young but she had lines around her eyes and on her hands which were clasped loosely in her lap. A wedding ring was gold around one of her fingers.

“Why do you think you’re not a good person?” she asked.

Her tone was almost conversational, expectant in a way that got under Isak’s skin.

“Don’t tell me that what I think is wrong” he said.

She frowned. “I’m not going to tell you that.”

The blinds wavered in the breeze from the partly open window. Isak looked back at her and she smiled.

“You didn’t answer my question” she said.

“Because I don’t want to.”

Kari moved on. She seemed to realise that the only way she was going to get anything out of Isak was by asking questions and that he wasn’t really willing to elaborate. Every answer took him a conscious effort not to grit his teeth and tell her to fuck off. A year ago he probably would have.

“How would you describe your mood?” asked Kari. “Do you get sad? Stressed? Angry?”

Isak shrugged.

“Not really”

“Do you get into fights at school?”

“No.”

“Does anyone ever hurt you? At home?”

“No” said Isak.

“Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?”

“No.”

Kari picked up her notebook from the table; it was black with a ribbon to mark the page, and she fixed him with kind brown eyes.

“How did you get those bruises on your face?” she asked.

“I was playing rugby in PE.” Said Isak. “It was an accident.”

“Who’s your PE teacher?”

_Shit._

“…Mr Rønning”

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

“Okay” said Kari, once she had written the name in her notebook. “I’d just like to weigh you before you go, if that’s alright”

Isak stood on the scales while Kari pulled up his medical records on the computer. He’d lost 4kg.

“I don’t underestimate how difficult this is for you, Isak, but I think it’s very important that you keep coming here. I’d like to see you twice a week if that’s possible. Can you do this time on Monday?”

Isak nodded, pulling his jacket back around his shoulders.

“I have some information here for you to fill out. It will give me a better idea of how you’re feeling, your living situation, family history, things like that.”

Isak nodded dumbly and took the stapled papers. They were tinted medicine-green and covered in rows of little white boxes.

“I can’t help you unless you are honest.” Kari told him seriously. “It’s up to you. No one can help you if you won’t help yourself.”

Isak bent the papers in half to fit them into his rucksack.

“I know” he mumbled.

“Try to get it done before our next appointment please.”

Isak didn’t know how he was going to manage that. He obviously couldn’t do it at the flat and Halvor didn’t like him working in coffee shops. He thought about trying to do it in the school library the next day but half the year was free on a Friday morning.

He sat down at one of the few empty tables and decided that he might as well read a bit before Biology anyway.

The photocopier clacked and wirred in rhythm over a few not-so-hushed conversations. The librarians didn’t care, they had their own one going on behind the desk.

“Is it okay if I sit here?”

Isak jerked his head up.

“Uh, yeah, of course.”

Eva dragged up a chair, her hair swinging around the collar of her shirt. She tucked one side behind her ear and sat down, grimacing.

“Sorry. I was wondering if you could help with this maths?”

“Uhh…sure. What are you trying to do?” he asked.

“Differentiation.” 

Isak looked at the pad she had dropped dejectedly in front of her.

“Yeah. You have to multiply by the power.”

Eva creased her brow. “Really? So you bring it to the front?”

“Yeah. And then you reduce the power by 1.”

“But why?”

Isak shrugged.

“I don’t know. It’s easier just to remember it.”

Eva smiled at him.

“Fair enough”

Isak opened his book while Eva tried another question. She got it right, then moved on to the next, and Isak couldn’t help but feel proud.

“Do you remember how you used to help me in first year?” she asked after a moment, clicking her pen against the soft of her cheek.

Isak smiled.

“I do.”

“We watched gossip girl.”

He laughed. He remembered sitting on the floor, leaning against her bed with the laptop balanced on both of their knees, textbooks discarded at their white-socked feet.

“And Paradise Hotel” said Eva. “But, hello! You have a boyfriend now?”

Isak licked his lips.

“I do”

“From Bakka!” Eva teased him. “You’d better watch out for me. I might steal him”

Isak shook his head and Eva might have noticed something.

“So? Is he the man of your life?”

He looked down.

“Yes”

It sounded kind of quiet and Eva didn’t respond. They worked in slightly awkward silence for a bit longer, broken intermittently whenever one of them turned a page.

“You know I honestly miss when we used to hang out more” said Eva.

Isak looked at her.

_I miss you so much._

“I’m sorry I fucked things up.” he said.

Eva made a face. “You didn’t fuck it up. Me and Jonas did that ourselves.”

“No. You loved each other. I was selfish, I fucked it up.”

Eva twisted her pen in her hands, casting faint shadows against the lines on her page. She spoke slowly.

“No but- You didn’t though. We loved each other but, like, that doesn’t mean it was good. It was really bad actually, I was miserable. Love should be...freeing, you know? I didn’t realise but- it would only have gotten worse.”

She smiled.

“Trust me, you did us a favour. We’re much better now.”

Isak looked at her, feeling shy for some reason.

“You’re a good person”

 “So are you! No,seriously Isak, You are. You’re helping me with maths aren’t you? When you have work-”

“You didn’t need help” said Isak.

Eva looked away, still twisting the pen between her fingers.

“Okay, no. I didn’t need help.”

The library was quieter now. It was almost the end of first period.

“You know he’s worried about you.” said Eva.

“I know.”

_Jonas._

It was him who had talked to Mrs Hagen, of course it was. He’d threatened to once before and Isak had said he’d never speak to him again if he did.

_Oh, Jonas._

Eva was worried as well, he could tell. She was a little too bright, a little too buoyant. She didn’t mention his eye and Isak was grateful for that. Based on his texts from Vilde, there was no shortage of rumours going around about it.

The bell rang and Isak walked to Biology with his head down. The bruises were still bright on his skin and if Sana was shocked by his appearance, she didn’t let it show.

Students were drifting in from the hall and Isak watched as Sana opened her folder to last lesson’s work.

“I was right” he said.

“Huh?”

“About the excretion of waste from organs. It wasn’t nitrogenous.”

Sana rolled her eyes at him. She had been so adamant.

_“It’s A!”_

_“No it’s not. We did it last week, it’s D.” said Isak._

_“It’s not D! Are you dumb”_

_“How do you not remember!”_

_“I do remember. It’s A”_

_“Oh my God! Jesus Christ- I’m putting D.”_

_Sana had put her hands up._

_“Alright! Whatever. Don’t give yourself another nosebleed.”_

_“Huh!”_

_Isak laughed and she stifled a smile._

_“So fucking rude.”_

 

She was different today, quiet in a way he hadn’t seen her before.

He thought she might have seen a text from Halvor when he left his phone on the table but he wasn’t sure.

“Why are you being nice to me?” he asked.

“I’m not being nice to you.”

She had let him borrow her notes from last lesson without so much as a barbed comment.

“Yes you are. Why?”

Sana pressed her lips together; they were painted a burgundy red.

“Because people are talking about you” she said.

Right. Isak only had to walk down a corridor to know that.

“What are they saying?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter. Let them talk.” She said. “You’re better than them. You’re tough.”

“But what are they saying?”

“It doesn’t matter. Don’t listen.” She sat up and faced him properly. Her features were drawn and there was an intensity to her. “Nobody deserves to be spoken about behind their back. If someone gives you shit or tries to make you feel like you’re not good enough, don’t listen. Trust me. It’s them who aren’t shit.”

 

* * *

Isak hadn’t noticed how dark it had gotten. The main lights were off and he was working at the desk in the bedroom under a spot-light lamp. 

He didn’t hear Halvor come in.

He was on the second page of Sana’s slanted handwriting.

Halvor came up behind him and buried his face between Isak's neck and shoulder, making the younger boy jump violently.

“Fuck. Oh my God. You scared me.”

Halvor laughed against his skin.

“Your so uptight at the moment” he said, his hands finding Isak’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry. I need to get this done tonight.”

He kept writing while Halvor stood behind him, watching. Then he picked up Isak’s phone from where it lay on the table.

“Why is Eva texting you?” he asked.

“We used to be friends”

Halvor snorted.

“Seriously? You know she’s a slut? She’s fucked every guy in the year below.”

Isak kept writing, trying to focus on the words on the page.

“I can see why you would get along actually. I mean you’re both easy as fuck.”

Isak stood up and regretted it immediately. Halvor just looked amused and before Isak could say anything, he was kissing him.

 **Isak didn’t react** but Halvor was hot and forceful against him. He pressed a thumb into him cheek until Isak opened his mouth.

Isak pulled back.

“You call me easy and then you want sex?” he asked.

Halvor kept his hand on the back of his neck.

“I overlook it” He kissed Isak again, his other hand pressing into his hip. “That’s just how much I love you”.

Isak was always so weak around Halvor, let him take what he wanted again and again until Isak was left with nothing.

_Your destroying me. You're destroying me and I don't know how to stop you._

“Stop” said Isak.

Halvor frowned.

“I’m sorry. I just. I really have to finish this-“

Halvor kept kissing him, pressing his back into the edge of the desk.

“Halv-”

“Fuck. Do it later” Halvor growled.

“I don’t want to do it later.”

_I don’t want this. I don’t want this._

“Isak. You’re being stupid.”

“I’m sorry” said Isak. “I don’t want to.”

“You don’t want to.”

Halvor drew back slightly but he still had Isak against the desk.

“And how do you think that makes me feel?”

“I’m sorry.”

"How does that make me feel, Isak?"

Halvor moved closer again, crowding in on him.

"Get off me" said Isak, trying to push down something that was rising in his chest.

"Not until you answer me.”

_I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what you want._

 “Get off me.”

Halvor was right in his space, caging him in. It was like he was waiting for Isak to try to push him away.

Halvor didn’t usually hit him very hard. What hurt was that Isak had angered someone who loved him.

But he didn’t feel like that now.

Halvor punched Isak in the stomach and he gasped for air before Halvor shoved him hard. He hit his head on the corner of the desk as he fell.

_Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me._

“Don’t touch me!” he shouted and Halvor kicked him in the chest, winding him completely.

He couldn’t think. His head was ringing and his lungs were burning.

_I have to get out. I have to get out._

He could see light from the hall sloping in through the doorway and he rolled over, coughing spit.

He couldn’t see Halvor. The chair from the desk had fallen onto its side at Isak’s feet.

He kicked it as hard and fast as he could.

It connected with Halvor’s legs and he made a surprised noise and then Isak was running.

_You have to get out. You have to get out._

**He got to the front door** and tried frantically to open the latch. He kept expecting Halvor to be on him, didn’t know what was taking him so long. Suddenly the door opened and cold air flooded his system.

He ran down the open corridor, electric lights flashing by as he passed them. He was a good runner and he was fast down the stretch to the stairwell.

His loud footsteps reverberated off the walls.

_You have to get out. You have to get out._

He couldn’t see properly now. His eyes hadn’t had time to adjust outside the building and all around him was impenetrable darkness.

He didn’t get far.

Isak stumbled in a side street a few roads away from the flats, pain finally registering in his brain. He half fell against a garage door, slumping over and trying to catch frightened breaths.

Pain was spreading over his chest and torso and he shook as chills passed through his body. He didn’t feel numb any more. He curled against the door, corrugated metal locked to the ground.

 

“Hello?”

“..Even?”

“Is that Isak? Are you okay?”

Isak sat with his forehead on his knees, holding his phone to his ear.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” He suddenly felt like crying just at the sound of Even’s voice. ”I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do.”

“Where are you?”

 

On the main road, cars tore through the silence with pulse-like rhythm. Isak had given Even the vaguest description of where he was because he didn’t really know. He still held the piece of paper from his pocket that Even had given him.

The night air drained him slowly of his warmth.

Isak didn’t know how much time passed before Even was with him but he could hear the worry in his breathing and in the sound of his voice.

“Shit, Isak.”

Isak could see him in the light from a streetlamp, the way it reflected in his eyes and on his skin. He was only wearing a t-shirt but he was warm and close.

Isak felt stiff, his whole body folded up against danger, against hurt. Even knelt in front of him.

“Isak? Are you hurt?”

“A bit” said Isak.

He unfolded slightly, sitting up to look at Even, Even who had pain and worry written all over him.

“I’m sorry” said Isak.

Even shook his head and kneeled a little closer.

“No”

Isak unfolded and Even reached out like he couldn’t help himself, like it was instinct. Isak wrapped his arms around his narrow shoulders and clasped his hands together. He was still so tense and Even shifted to hold him better.

“I’m so sorry Isak”

Even held him tight. Isak could feel his arms around his waist, his hands on his back, his cheek brushing against Isak’s hair.

Isak let his head fall onto his shoulder.

“I’m so so sorry”


	7. I'll meet you whenever

There were whispers at the door, and then silence.

Isak imagined that he was in his old bedroom, the one at home, where he used to keep his door open because he was scared of the dark.

His whole body ached; his ribs and his torso and his head.

He thought about his mum, how he left her the night his dad left while she cried. The walls in that little house were so thin he thought they might break.

He was lying in Even’s bunk bed, still in his jeans and his Nike jumper, and he could smell the familiar smell of cool air and cigarettes. The window was open just a little bit and Even sat on the sill, smoking.

It must have been past midnight.

Isak got down from the bunk-bed and lingered for a minute at the bottom, his feet bare on the wooden floor. The room was still recognisable, painted blue in the moonlight and Even was just a silhouette, long legs propped up on the ledge, holding his ankle. He tipped his head up when Isak came closer.

“Do you want some?”

“No thanks” said Isak.

Isak sat down on the ledge. It was so dark outside that all he could see was his own reflection in the glass.

“Can’t sleep?” Even asked.

“No”

Even was still wearing his jeans and he had pushed up the sleeves of his pale grey hoodie. He held the cigarette between his fingers, blowing little wisps of smoke out into the night air. Isak was happy not saying anything, just watching him, being beside him.

“You told me you didn’t sleep much.” Said Even.

“Yeah. I did.” Isak hesitated.  

“You told me you go crazy when you don’t sleep”

“I do.” Said Even.

The stillness seemed somehow to be closing in, leaving just to the two of them and the space in between.

“Were you…when you kissed me?”

“No.” said Even. “I might have been getting there but…I would have kissed you anyway.”

He looked down and then out of the window where the rest of the world seemed to have fallen away.

“I had a boyfriend” said Isak.

“I know. He’s a cunt”

Isak swallowed.

“I still lied though”

Even looked at him, then he dropped his legs and moved towards him, close enough for Isak to look back into his eyes.

“Isak. What are you talking about?”

“I lied. So much”

Even put out his cigarette and took Isak’s hands in his, slightly cool from where they’d rested on the window ledge.

“Listen to me. He hurt you. No one cares that you lied, people care that you’re safe and that you’re not going back there.”

Isak looked down at their hands, Even’s fingers between his knuckles, the gentle press of their palms. It was like he’d reached out and now Even wasn’t going to let go.

“Okay”

Isak brought a hand up to Even’s face, stroking his thumb over his cheek.

_He hurt you too._

Even was still, letting Isak cup his cheek for a moment and then he pulled back.

“This isn’t a good idea” he said.

“I know”

_I wish I met you in another universe. I wish you had someone with you. I wish my person didn’t fuck me up so bad._

Neither of them let go of the others hands, but there was an understanding now: this was all they were allowed. This little bit of contact, this had to be enough.

_I don’t want to fall in love with you. Not tonight._

“We should sleep” Isak said.

Even smiled tiredly.

“Yeah”

Isak drew him towards the bed.

“Isak…”

_Tonight. Just tonight._

“Please” said Isak.

_Just hold me tonight._

Even lay against Isak’s back in the bunk bed, his hands laced with Isak’s. Isak could feel his heartbeat in his wrist. He held Even’s hands close to his chest and kissed them softly.

_I don’t want to let you go._

They slept.

 

ISAK:

Are you free to meet?

 

JONAS:

Of course. Ill meet you whenever. 

 

This bench. This was where Isak came out to Jonas at the end of his first year, where Jonas asked about the boy who wasn’t a girl and Isak was ashamed, so ashamed.

Jonas came towards him, his phone in his hand like he had only just got Isak’s text.

“Hey” he said.

“Hi” said Isak. “Sorry it’s early”

“It’s fine” said Jonas, though he did look like he’d just got out of bed, pink creases under his eyes.

The sun was still low in the sky and Isak’s trainers were wet with dew.

At the end of first year, Isak still loved Jonas. He still loved him and he didn’t tell him the truth about how he met Halvor or why he couldn’t hang out that evening. He didn’t tell him.

“How are you?” Jonas asked.

Isak’s breath was a little shaky.

“Uh. It’s- It’s kind of over. Between me and Halvor.” He said.

“Okay.” Jonas was sitting on the edge of the bench, turned towards Isak but not close to him.

“We had a fight last night” said Isak “and. I left”.

He looked down at the grass.

“I don’t think I should go back”

Jonas moved closer and Isak forced himself to look at him.

“I just thought I should tell you: you were right.” His voice broke slightly. “You were right and..I’m sorry. What I said. It wasn’t true.”

“I know” said Jonas.

There was one agonising minute while Jonas didn’t look at him and Isak couldn’t see his face.

“Did he hurt you?”

Isak didn’t answer.

“Fuck”

Jonas was crying. He was trying to hide it but he was.

“Fuck. I’m such an idiot. I didn’t want to believe he would- Fuck. I’m sorry” he said, wiping his eyes fiercely.

Isak hugged him and he didn’t think they’d ever actually hugged before.

“You mean so much to me Isak. I’m so sorry that he- Fuck I’m going to kill him. If he tries to hurt you again I’ll fucking kill him”

“He won’t hurt me again” said Isak and Jonas hugged him tighter.

“You're so strong”

 

HALVOR:

Isak. I love you. Please come home.

Issy where are you? I’m so worried.

I went too far last night. I’ll get help. I promise I can change.

I can’t live without you.

 

ELISA:

Halvor wanted me to text you to see where you are, he thinks you’ve blocked his number and he’s really worried. Hope you’re alright xxx

 

FINN:

Hey Isak, it’s Finn. Halvor says he’s tried texting you a tonne and that you're not replying. I know it’s not my business but I just wanted to say that I don’t know what happened but I hope you can work it out. Halvor loves you a lot and you are so good for each other. I know he would do anything for you. I hope you don’t hate me for this.

  

Isak didn’t feel strong, but Jonas wasn’t going to let him fall back. They changed Isak’s number and Jonas and his dad got a key from the landlord; they collected Isak’s stuff from the flat while Halvor was at work. Isak stayed on a mattress on Jonas’ floor like he had so many times before and they stayed up late like they were 10, having sleepovers again.

“I don’t know if you can tell, but my mum is like, so happy to see you here again”

Isak laughed.

“She’s probably going to try and talk to you, you know. She doesn’t know anything though so you don’t have to tell her. She realised we’d had a fight and she was like ‘Jonas, what the fuck did you say to that boy.’” Jonas chuckled and it was the best sound. “She totally decided that whatever it was, she didn’t care, she was on your side.”

Isak laughed again and it felt so good, to be on Jonas’s floor looking up at the ceiling and the posters on the wall.

“Isak?”

“Yeah?”

It was later now and Isak thought he had gone to asleep.

“Do you still love him?”

The darkness was like static.

Isak was very quiet. "I don't know" he said eventually.

Jonas didn’t say anything but Isak heard his duvet shift.

“Can you love someone and be afraid of them? When they have that much power over you?”

“No.” said Jonas.

“But. He loved me. I'm sure he did."

“I think love is never wanting anyone or anything to hurt that person.”

Isak thought about that.

“What good does it do though?" he said. "To say ‘oh well that wasn’t real love’? Because maybe it was. Love can be a little fucked up sometimes. That doesn't mean it's not real.”

They fell into silence again. A car turned at the end of the street and its lights swept over the ceiling.

“It’s like, love is this sacred thing that can’t ever be destructive or broken.”

“You're right” said Jonas. “But love is not an excuse.”

 

ISAK:

Hey dad. I broke up with Halvor. I know you liked him but the relationship got kind of bad. Please can I have some money to rent a flat, I’m kind of screwed right now.

 

DAD:

It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry to hear about Halvor but we can probably sort something out.

 

Autumn arrived late. Sodden leaves were trampled into the pavement and kicked up against the walls of the building. The door was a cornflower blue and Isak had both hands in his pockets but he took one out to ring the buzzer.

“Hello?”

“Hi. I’m Isak, I’m here to look at the flat.”

“Sure, come up”

Eva’s friend met him at the bottom of the stairs.

“Hi Isak!”

“Hi”

“I’m Noora. I’m just cooking dinner but I’m sure Eskild can show you around.”

It was a four bedroom flat, plenty of room. Isak’s room was nice, plain walls and a wooden bed and not much else. That was good though, that was fine.

“This is my room. It’s the best. Noora’s is nice but it’s a bit boring: too much white"

Eskild was apparently very happy to be tour-guide.

"This is Linn’s room. You can’t see it but that’s because the light’s off”

“Piss off Eskild” came a muffled voice from under the covers.

“Sorry.”

Eskild shut the door.

“Down there is the bathroom. There’s a list of songs you can sing in the shower but we do also take requests.”

Isak nodded, bemused, even though he couldn’t completely tell if Eskild was serious.

The kitchen was warm and Noora was chopping sweet potato on the counter, scattering the chips into a baking tray. She smiled at them as they came in. The radio played quietly over the hum of the oven.

The kitchen led into the living room where there was a crumb-covered sofa and a tv in the corner.

“Do you like Gossip Girl?” Eskild asked. “Because everyone here likes Gossip Girl so if you don’t then that’s a bit of a problem.”

“Uh..”

Noora yelled from the kitchen. “Eskild literally no one likes Gossip Girl”

“Don’t listen to her. You can have her room when you move in if you want.”

Isak didn’t have very high criteria when it came to a home. It had never meant somewhere he felt particularly safe, or where he found it easy to sleep in his own bed. It still didn’t mean that, but it was better.

It was also lonely.

 _Love is never wanting anyone or anything to hurt that person._  

 

* * *

 

 It was break time and Isak sat with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi in the canteen. They had moved on from the topic of midterm mocks and onto a much more pressing matter: getting Magnus laid.

“I think she did like you, you just didn’t seem very confident.”

“Maybe I need some new clothes.”

“No, you don’t need new clothes-“

Magnus turned to Isak.

“Would you come clothes shopping with me?”

Isak narrowed his eyes.

“Why would I go clothes shopping with you?”

“You're gay aren’t you? You could help choose.”

“I would literally rather die.”

Mahdi snorted and Jonas grinned.

“Dude.”

Magnus grouched. “Sorry. I thought it was a compliment”

Isak shook his head but he smiled at him in a way he hoped would show he didn’t mind. He knew Magnus well by now and had learned that blunt force was the best way to handle his particular brand of ignorant enthusiasm.

“Mahdi, would you come with me?”

“I’m busy this weekend.”

“Bullshit.”

Isak stopped listening. He had caught sight of someone at a table just across from where they were sitting.

Even was talking to two guys Isak didn’t recognise. He was smiling, trying to explain something with his hands and Isak watched him. His hair looked darker, he was wearing a different jacket, but seeing him still made Isak’s heart hurt in the best way.

“Why can’t you take Jonas?”

“Jonas dresses like an indie farmer”

“Fuck off, no I don’t”

Even looked over and caught Isak’s stare. He looked away but Isak didn’t and, in time, Even’s blue eyes came back to his.

_Maybe this universe could be okay._

ISAK:

You’re staring.

 

EVEN:

I'm pretty sure it's you whose staring.

 

ISAK:

And what are you going to do about it?

 

_I don’t want to let you go._

 

EVEN:

I'm going to wait for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this feels rushed. I really wanted to make things better after last chapter.
> 
> If you leave a comment I will love you <3


	8. I just need to be on my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is stressful at the moment and I really shouldn't be writing this, but I don't think I could abandon this story if I tried.  
> It's half term so hopefully next update won't be too long. <3

UNKNOWN NUMBER:  
Hi Isak, it’s Kari from BUP. You missed our session last week so this is just to remind you that we have another scheduled at 16:00 today. Look forwards to seeing you.

“Hey”

Isak jumped slightly and locked his phone, but his smile was genuine when he greeted Jonas.

“Hey.”

They were standing at the lockers, just on the edge of the crowd that always rushed the corridors at the end of the day.

“Are you free tonight? Magnus and Mahdi were gonna meet us here to do something.”

“Uh. No, sorry.” said Isak. “I have science mocks on Wednesday and…I have a lot to revise.”

It wasn’t technically a lie, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel like shit.

“Yeah. Fair enough.” Said Jonas, just as Magnus threw an arm over his shoulder.

“Hey!”

“Hey Mags.”

Magnus didn’t generally show much regard for other people’s conversations and he looked altogether too lively for 15:30 on a Tuesday. Mahdi joined the group and scowled after someone who knocked him as they passed.

“Is Isak coming to mine?”

“No. Studying for his mocks.”

“Still?” Magnus frowned. “You’ve been studying for those all week.”

Isak shrugged guiltily. He was actually sorry not to be hanging out with them, but he didn’t want them to know why he couldn’t.

“Come on, don’t be so boring.”

“Piss off, Mahdi! Just because you’re gonna fail physics”

Mahdi snorted. “Excuse you, I’m fucking acing physics”

“Sure” 

Magnus grinned between them. “I swear, Isak’s so fucking savage these days”

“I’m not!” said Isak.

“Yeah you are.”

“You kind of are” admitted Jonas, fondly. “I missed it though”

Isak didn’t think that that was supposed to make him feel sad.

“Whatever.” Said Isak, turning to go. “Have fun. Try not to miss me too much”

“You know we will.”

 

Isak walked alone to the bus stop, his hands buried in his pockets. The sky was overcast, the edges of clouds like torn paper, and brown leaves littered the pavement.

An irrational dread had settled around the idea of going back to BUP. It wasn’t that Kari wasn’t nice, or that he thought she wouldn’t listen to him if he was uncomfortable talking about certain things. He knew she would, but it just felt wrong. He was 17, he should be out with his friends. He didn’t need therapy.

Pretty much everyone at the bus stop was in his year, which was great. They didn’t try to talk to him though, and he kept himself busy opening and closing the message app on his phone.

The bus came about five minutes later and there were no empty seats so Isak stood up, holding on to a yellow pole as the vehicle lurched forwards. He didn’t look at anyone, kept his eyes fixed on the blue-speckled floor.

Isak didn’t like buses. He used to take one every week to visit his mum, but that had stopped when he moved in with Halvor. Halvor drove him everywhere after that, which made Isak feel guilty. He was so ungrateful.

They stopped once, twice. The electric doors jerked open and Isak was jostled as people pushed past him in the aisle.

He felt so guilty. He didn’t even quite know why, but it was always there, like a weight in his chest. For the longest time he felt he had been lying. To Magnus and Mahdi. To Jonas. To himself probably. But he didn’t want to tell them. He didn’t want them to know where he was; that the reason he couldn’t hang out is because he had to be at BUP and have a professional try to untangle him because he couldn’t do it himself.

The bus stopped a few minutes from the clinic and Isak walked there, shivering slightly in the cold. It was in a weird place, tucked away down one of those streets that everyone passes but nobody goes down.

It was warm inside and someone chattered obnoxiously on the radio. Isak signed himself in with the time at reception. He was early.

“Hi Isak. Good to see you again.”

Kari came out the door and greeted him, her manner as kind and composed as ever.

“Hi”

He followed her to the room, though he knew the way by now. There was something horrible about these little rooms. They didn’t seem to know if they were a sitting room or a doctor’s office, and the effect was one of thin disguise.

Isak sat down, dropping his bag at his feet.

The minutes ticked by and Kari looked at him patiently. She smiled when he caught her eye.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I’m okay” Isak cleared his throat. “Um. I’m sorry I wasn’t here last week. I have some mocks in my science classes so they’ve kind of been taking up all my time.”

“That alright” said Kari.

They lapsed back into uncomfortable silence, Isak twisting his fingers in his lap.

“Have you been studying for those a lot?”

“Yeah.” Said Isak. “I missed a lot of school before so, I decided I was going to do everything to get my marks up for this.”

She nodded. “How are you feeling about them?”

“Stressed”

Again, Kari let the silence grow. Isak realised that she was giving him space to talk, but it kind of just made him feel anxious.

“Do you think that studying is distracting you right now, from thinking about what you’ve been through?”

“Probably” said Isak, and he hated how his voice sounded.

“When you do think about what happened, what do you feel?”

Isak shrugged but his shoulders were stiff.

“Uhh. I don’t know. A bit numb I guess?” He looked up at her hesitantly.

“That would be very understandable.”

A few minutes passed, and Isak’s shoulders relaxed slightly. Kari watched him.

“How is the flat?” she asked.

“It’s okay. My flatmates are nice, but. I don’t know.”

“...Go on”

Isak hesitated. “I don’t think they really like me. I don’t really talk to them much.”

Kari just nodded.

“Do they know anything about what you’ve come from?”

“No”

“Have you thought about telling them?”

Isak felt the chair seat, running his fingers over the course fabric.

“Uh. I mean. I don’t really want to. I haven’t told many people and…I don’t even know what I would say”

“Have you told your friends?”

“No. I only told Jonas.”

Kari thought for a minute, and then seemed to make up her mind on something.

“I guess what I want is for you to have a better support system. I know that Jonas is your best friend and that he is there for you, but. The first few months are the hardest for leaving an abusive relationship.”

Isak froze and he hated it. He hated it. This time the silence felt like it might swallow him.

“It wasn’t….it wasn’t like that. I get why you would think that but. It’s not- wasn’t…what you said.”

“How was it?” Kari asked.

Isak breathed for a minute.

“It was. It was good. He saved me, you know? We loved each other. He did everything for me and I was…I was just a bit of a mess and he looked after me. I know that isn’t healthy but, it was my fault. I was a mess. It wasn’t…what you said.”

“But you said that he hit you”

Isak bit his lip.

“Yeah…sometimes. But. Like. It was only when I did something wrong.”

He sounded so stupid, he knew. How could he make her understand?

“What I mean is. He cared about me.” Isak finished. “He made me a better person, I think.”

Kari looked serious for a few moments.

“Isak. When you came here, you were very unwell. Can you see that?”

“Don’t talk to me like that.” Said Isak. “I’m not stupid.”

Isak felt a surge of panic.

_He wouldn’t let you speak like that._

Kari spoke quietly. “I don’t think you’re stupid, Isak, and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. What I do think, is that your view of your relationship with Halvor is not the view most people would take.”

“What do you mean?”

  
“I mean that most people wouldn’t think that how he treated you was okay”

“…I know it wasn’t good” said Isak.

“It wasn’t just not good, Isak. You need to see that. He was abusive to you.”

 

* * *

 

 

When he got back to the flat, Isak shut his door and crawled into bed, curling up tight under the covers.

She was trying to make sure that he wouldn’t go back to him, he knew that. And he couldn’t. He couldn’t go back to Halvor, that wasn’t an option. If nothing else, there was Jonas.

Jonas. Jonas who wanted so badly for him to be okay, and he had been. He was supposed to be okay.

Now it felt like a hole had been opened inside him.

Isak lay there in his empty room, breathing in the silence.

He closed his eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

At 1:00am Eskild found him sweeping the kitchen floor. He was wearing boxers and a t-shirt and he faltered in his doorway, squinting at Isak.

“What are you doing?”

Isak swallowed his panic.

“Sorry. I..uh. I’m just really stressed and I was up studying and I thought you might be angry about the kitchen. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Eskild looked at him for a minute, then he said quietly,

“Go to bed, Isak.”

The hole didn’t go away. It didn’t hurt, it was just there. His motivation must have fallen down there because he didn’t do much work in the days before his mock exams. His appetite and sleeping pattern were somewhere at the bottom as well. Kari said that food and sleep were the most important things for him to focus on right now, that without that foundation he wouldn’t be able to build. But you can’t even build a foundation if there’s a great big hole inside you.

He wasn’t sure exactly what had fallen through. It had been there, and then it had gone, and he would have been angry if he wasn’t so tired.

 

* * *

 

He got through the mock exams, and hopefully he did better than he thought he did.

“I’m sure you did great” said Mahdi, putting his tray down on the table in the dining hall.

“Yeah, you’re smart. I’m sure it’s fine.”

“Thanks” said Isak.

The boys were great. They treated him like he was normal, and that helped him feel normal. So he ate his lunch and talked and laughed, and the hole shrunk just a bit.

“Now that mocks are over, are we all going to Herman’s or what?” said Magnus.

“Yeah obviously.” Said Mahdi.

“Isak?”

Isak picked at his roll. “I don’t know yet.”

Jonas rested his elbows on the table. “You should man. It’s not gonna be a massive party or anything. It’ll be chill.”

Magnus nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly. Also, we need to get you a rebound. It’s been months man.”

Mahdi and Jonas both told him to shut up.

“What? The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.”

“Oh my God” Mahdi groaned. “Did you get that from some shitty girl film?”

“No. It’s from that song. The one by Dua Lipa” said Magnus.

“Dude. No.”

 

Isak went. It was dark by the time they arrived, the pre-drinks having lasted longer than expected because the guy who was bringing Jonas more beer was late. Even so, they had all already drunk quite a lot.

Music reverberated in the hall and Isak nearly tripped over a couple of girls sitting on the floor.

“Sorry” he mumbled, but he doubted they heard him.

The music, some Russtime shit, swallowed everything. Jonas was complaining about it, Isak knew - thought he mouthed something to the effect of “what is this shit?” - but he looked elated. Magnus and Mahdi overtook and Jonas put an arm around Isak’s shoulders, swaying gently to the crashing beat.

The main room was huge, sofas pushed against the wall and ceiling-high windows framed by heavy, wine-coloured curtains. The night outside was jet black. Overhead lights were on low and two enormous speakers had been hoisted up onto cabinets on either side of the room. Isak saw Eva pushing through the crowd with her drink raised high and she all but collapsed on the two friends.

“Heyyy. How are my bitchesss?”

She had glitter on her cheekbones that sparkled when she laughed.

“They’re good” said Isak, trying to steady her.

“They’d be better if we could change whatever the fuck you’re playing” said Jonas.

Eva lolled dramatically and Isak didn’t let go in fear she would fall. “Nooooooo. Jonas is gonna put on something cooooll that’s shit for dancinggg”.

She took Jonas’ arm and tried to make him dance with her, no doubt to show how easy it was to this song. Jonas wasn’t co-operating and Isak couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous she looked.

“Come oooooon”

“Sorry” said Jonas, shaking his head. “I’m changing this.”

Isak didn’t miss how she made him smile, even her current state. He watched as she followed Jonas clumsily into the crowd.

“He is so not over her” said Mahdi.

“No” Isak agreed.

He took a beer out of the bag.

“Can I have one?” Mahdi asked.

“Sure”

He handed Mahdi a can.

“Wait! These are mine, you shit”

Isak just shrugged.

“You owe me.”

When Mahdi was unimpressed, which was often, Isak thought his expression could probably be as sullen as his own. Every now and then, though, Mahdi would surprise Isak with the most blinding smile.

The music changed and people on the floor started to move to the clapping funk beat. Isak knew the song well, it was one of Jonas’ old favourites. He could seeing him bopping along while Eva argued with him over the phone. Then he took her hands and she danced with him like this was her favourite song in the world.

 

 _I need it homie oh so fast_  
_That last bag was the best weed I've ever had_  
_Bass so deep, I can't even seem to feel my feet_  
_Time does change, but the music it remains the same_  
_I hit em with the music from the slave_

 

Isak ended up dancing with Ingrid, of all people. He could see Magnus by the window with Vilde, who was twirling around with the long velvet curtain, her platinum hair reflecting the deep purple so it was almost lilac. Magnus looked entranced and— Yeah that curtain rail was definitely going to snap. Sana was on one of the sofas, a girl with space buns practically sitting on her lap. She nodded to Isak.

Isak couldn’t help but look for him.

“Do you want another?” Mahdi yelled at Isak, after handing Jonas the second-to-last.

Jonas shook his head.

“Naa, he’s had enough. He’s such a lightweight!”

Isak pushed him and almost lost his balance.

 

 _I don't want to think I don't know_  
_They thought me how to reach deep down and touch the soul_  
_Without my music, where would I be_  
_You thought me how to cry and still remain a G_  
_You keep a lot of soldiers at ease_

 

Isak did a shot with Magnus and Vilde, and then another with Eva. Suddenly he couldn’t walk as well and the hole was back and he had another drink to try to close it back up again.

He was starting to feel dizzy. Someone had changed the music back to something with loops and klaxons and he could just about make out the white stripes of Jonas’ Adidas top.

The room went dark for a second as someone knocked a lamp and caught it by its shade.

A door slammed. Some drama was going on but Isak didn’t give a shit. He wanted another drink.

 

Jonas dragged him outside and Isak was sick on the pavement.

“Shit.”

Jonas was rubbing his back, just like he did the last time he got completely smashed and his life fell apart. He fell apart, and he hadn’t ever mended, Isak realised. He had been holding himself together, maybe Halvor had been too, but Isak couldn’t do it anymore and here was Jonas, doing it for him.

_I never wanted to be a burden to you._

The sick smelled fetid and acid burned his throat.

“I think I should go back” he mumbled, coughing. “I think it was better. I can’t do this.” Isak slumped and Jonas pulled him back so that he didn’t collapse into his sick.

“You don’t get it, Jonas. Nobody gets it. He was everything.”

Isak was sick again.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Is. It’s okay. I'm sorry. This was a shitty idea."

Jonas took him home. Isak didn’t know how, but he dragged him all the way up the stairs to the apartment while Isak was mumbling God-knows-what.

“You’re breaking my heart man.”

Jonas pulled off his shoes while Eskild got water and brought the bin over to the bed. Isak lay on his side with his back to them.

The lights went off and suddenly the room was dark and blotchy. He could hear voices outside but they were blurry and indistinct.

Isak slept.

 

* * *

 

 

Isak had never really had hangovers. The only hangover he had had was on the worst morning of his life.

This morning he woke up with one thing, grating inside his head. One random, insignificant sentence. Something Mahdi had said: “It doesn’t feel right to kiss her when she’s drunk and I’m not.”

Why did that make his duvet feel heavy and his body feel disgusting? Why did that make his throat constrict and his brain frantic to take it back? To forget?

Because that’s what Halvor did. And it wasn’t right. It was so so wrong.

Isak felt like he was going to be sick again and he bent over the waste bin, breathing through his nose, but there was nothing left to throw up.

Then he turned over and he cried.

 

* * *

 

 

“Isak. It’s nearly 15:00 do you want something to eat?” asked Eskild, standing just inside the door.

Isak didn’t answer.

“I’ll make you something? It will help with the hangover.”

“No. Piss off.”

 

Isak slept a lot that day, probably because he’d been sleeping badly all week. He was pretty sure he dreamed but he didn’t remember any which, really, was probably for the best.

 

_Why am I going backwards?_

 

JONAS:  
Hey Is. How are you doing? Do you want me to bring you Lucozade?

ISAK:  
No thanks. I’m not doing great but I kind of want to be alone. I didn’t mean what I said last night, I promise you I’m doing better. I just need to be on my own.

JONAS:  
Okay. I love you man.

ISAK:  
I love you too.

 

* * *

 

 It was 18:15 and Isak had barely moved except to kick off last night’s jeans. He felt stiff and gross and on edge for no particular reason.

There was a tentative knock at his door and Noora opened it. Her hair was straight and limp, almost like a puppy’s ears, and she looked sadly at Isak.

“Hey um—”

“I don’t want anything to eat” said Isak.

“Okay, but-“ Noora rocked back on one foot. “Could you just come and help me lay the table please?”

Isak didn’t really know why he said yes. Call it old habits.

He pulled on some sweatpants, wobbling a bit on his feet, and then went into the kitchen.

“What did you make?” he asked Noora, aware that he still barely knew her and had just been pretty rude.

“It’s ratatouille” she said. “It’s nice, you should have some”

Isak couldn’t help rolling his eyes behind her.

He reached to the cupboard for a stack of three bowls and was going to take them through to the living room when the door slammed loudly.

There was a deafening crash as the bowls dropped onto the hard tile floor.

Isak couldn’t move. The bowls shattered, little white shards and pieces of china lying broken on the floor. Isak couldn’t breathe, his whole body seized up. He stared, frozen, at the door.

“Hello?” Eskild called.

Isak’s knees gave out and he slumped down against the counter.

“Noora?”

Eskild came into the room and dropped his bag on the floor.

“What happened?”

“I don’t- I don’t know.”

“Isak?”

Isak heard him crouch down in front of him but he couldn’t see because his hands were covering his face, his whole body rigid. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. He thought- He thought.

Isak let out a strangled sob and he couldn’t stop them after that, relief and shame wracking his body.

He cried because he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Because he was lonely and ashamed and he just needed someone to know.

“Isak. It’s okay. I need you to breath with me, okay?”

Isak tried to, his chest heaving. The panic was leaving him and now it was just shame. What the fuck was wrong with him?

“Fuck. I’m sorry”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to be sorry.”

After a minute, Eskild helped him up. Noora was gone and he guided Isak to the table in the corner.

“Sit down”

Isak wouldn’t look at him, just wiped his eyes until they were raw and stinging.

“I’m sorry” he managed, feeling he owed some kind of explanation that he wasn't just crazy. “I just- you slammed the door and I just kind of-“

Isak stopped, biting his lip. His hands were shaking under the table as he looked down at the shattered white bowls.

“It’s fine, Isak.” Said Eskild. “The bowls are fine, we got them from Narvensen.”

Isak just nodded. They were quiet for a minute and Isak realised that the radio was still playing softly.

Eskild's face was young for his age but right now it was lined with concern.

“Do you want to tell me, why you reacted like that?” he asked.

  
Isak stared down at the table. He almost shook his head, almost said no, but he stopped himself. He trusted Eskild, and realistically, he needed to know. Isak would rather tell him now than when he was drunk or breaking down. It made it easier that they weren’t friends, as well. It didn’t matter if Eskild treated him differently, in fact, maybe a part of him needed that. As easy as it could be, he didn’t actually want to be isolated.

Isak swallowed. “Yeah- Uh. My last boyfriend, he was …kind of bad.”

The radio seemed louder suddenly. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t say it.

“Yeah” he said pathetically. He shrugged and then, as if saying it fast would make it easier, he said:

“He was kind of abusive, I think.”

He didn’t look at Eskild, just the incomplete coffee rings on the table.

Eskild was still. “Did you think that I was him?” he asked.

“No” said Isak. “Or- I don’t know. It was just when the door slammed, and then I dropped the bowls and.”

He took a breath. “I just freaked out I guess.”

“Does he know where you live? Your ex-boyfriend?”

“No.”

Eskild was a lot quieter than Isak had ever seen him.

“Okay”

He considered Isak seriously. For a moment he seemed angry.

“Okay.” He said again. “You need to know that you’re safe here Isak. He won’t find you and if he does, he’ll have to go through me. And I might not look like much but I’m telling you, you don’t want to mess with me.”

Isak smiled weakly.

“Seriously, though. He’s not the only man who’s not allowed through that door.”

Isak considered him.

“Okay” he whispered.

“Can I give you a hug?”

Isak nodded and Eskild kneeled in front of his chair to take him properly into his arms, burying Isak's face in his shoulder. Isak had probably gotten more hugs in the last week than he had had since he was a kid.

“I’m not usually like this.” mumbled Isak. “I don’t know. I’ve been a bit worse recently. But I think it's just because I'm realising stuff and that's kind of scary.“

Eskild hugged him tighter.

Isak didn’t think of himself as a very lucky person, but that clearly changed the day he moved in with Eskild. Because of all the people that saved him, Eskild was probably the most important.

He pulled back.

“I guess we’re gonna have to eat out of saucepans tonight, huh?” said Eskild.

Isak smiled as Eskild stood and ruffled his hair gently.

“No worries baby Jesus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a comment if you still care about this story lol. Thank you so much for reading. It's half term so hopefully next update won't be too long. <3


	9. We can just chill

The next day, Jonas came over and they smoked joints on Isak’s bedroom floor.

Isak felt dreamy, out of focus. His body was pleasantly light and tingly and his thoughts were more tangible, like threads that he followed in the long silences.

Jonas looked funny, his skin wrinkled under his chin where he lay on his back.

“That party was a stupid idea. I’m sorry man.”

“It wasn’t” said Isak. “I was actually having fun until I started throwing up.”

Jonas chuckled softly. “It’s always the way”.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, the kind that depressed Isak usually, and definitely would have today if Jonas hadn’t turned up, joints and tortilla chips in hand. They only had the window open a crack because it was cold outside and the room stank of weed, but Isak couldn’t bring himself to care. He figured he could get away with it after last night.

“I think Magnus and Vilde hooked up” said Jonas.

Isak giggled. “Seriously? How the fuck did he manage that?”

“I have no idea. I mean he’s a nice guy but, God, he’s so desperate? I’ve tried to tell him. Like, do you remember when Vilde was getting pissed off because we were hanging out with first years, and Magnus just came out and offered to have sex with her?”

“What?” Isak managed, laughing. “He said that?”

“Yeah, I thought you were there?”

“No.” said Isak. “What did she say?”

“She told him not to be so rude.”

Isak had to sit up and cough because he was laughing too hard.

“Oh my God. And he still got off with her?”

Jonas shrugged his shoulder against the wooden floorboards. “According to the group chat.”

Isak giggled and rocked his head slightly, trying to make it more comfortable against the hard floor.

“It’s freezing.” He mumbled. “I think we might not have paid our heating bills yet. Do you want a jumper?”

“Naa, I’m good” said Jonas.

Isak stood up unsteadily and Jonas chuckled at him. He rummaged until he found a cream jumper he’d had forever and pulled it over his t-shirt.

“What about you and Eva?” he asked, still facing the wardrobe.

“What about us?”

“Are you still just friends?”

“Yeah.” said Jonas.

Isak turned to look at him and Jonas swore to himself.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Probably not to most people” Isak said, sitting back down and crossing his legs on the floor.

Jonas took another drag and handed back the joint.

“I don’t know if she feels the same.” He lamented. “Sometimes I think she does but, she just seems happier now, you know? And I don’t want to fuck that up.”

He sat back against Isak’s bed, pulling at a thread on his knee.  

“I think she seems happy when she’s with you” said Isak.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Isak looked at his best friend, who was now smiling dopily at the hole in his jeans. His hair was fluffy and he was wearing a plaid shirt over an old t-shirt.

“Hey, Jo?”

“Yeah?”

Isak didn’t think much before he said it, he just needed to. He didn’t want to be ashamed anymore, and he didn’t think Jonas would hate him. He was done lying to him, done underestimating him. He deserved to know.

“You know in first year, someone spread that Eva hooked up with Chris?”

“Yeah.”

“That was me.”

Jonas looked up at him, his eyes a quiet green.

“I know, bro.”

“You do?” said Isak, not really processing.

“Yeah, Eva got smashed and told me. She thought it was why you were being weird with me. She thinks it’s why you broke up with Halvor”.

 “Oh.”

Isak didn’t know what to say.

“You shouldn’t be feeling guilty about that. I’m glad you told me but, it was a long time ago. What you did wasn’t that bad, and it wasn’t what broke us up.”

Isak nodded dumbly and Jonas looked at him with sincerity.

“Also, it makes me feel fucking good about myself that you had a crush on me.”

Isak couldn’t help a grin spreading over his face and he shoved Joans hard. “You’re such an idiot”

Jonas tipped backwards without even trying to save himself and Isak honest to God couldn’t stop laughing. They didn’t stop until they were both just laughing at the each other.

“You’re my best fucking friend, you know that right?” Jonas said, still smiling.

“Yeah, I know that”

“I was so fucking lonely without you.”

 

They finished their joints and the bag of tortilla chips, which they discarded under Isak’s bed. They lay flat in their backs again, the high fading, tracing cracks on Isak’s ceiling.

 “Isak?”

“Yeah.”

“You said on Friday that you wanted to go back. To Halvor.”

Isak closed his eyes. “That wasn’t true, Jo”

“I know but. Why did you say it?”

“Because it’s hard.”

Jonas didn’t respond and Isak sighed, looking up.

“It’s hard to accept that what we had was bad, you know? That..I wasted a year with someone, who was…. I don’t know.”

“But you know what he was.” Said Jonas, an edge to it.

“I do but. I don’t want to. And it wasn’t all the time. It was my fault as well.” Isak struggled to make Jonas understand. “Like, I know I shouldn’t go back to him, and, I never would. I just feel so fucking guilty. And I hate myself for feeling guilty, and I hate myself for leaving, and I hate myself for not leaving sooner, and I hate the part of me that still lines my shoes up perfectly in the hall and I-“

Jonas pulled him up into a tight hug and for a weird minute Isak thought that it was kind of like being hit. It’s a release, of sorts. It shuts everyone up.

_I hate that he’s still in my head._

Sometimes it’s painful and sometimes it’s a relief.

 

* * *

 

On Monday, it rained.

“How’s school going?”

Isak was back in this acrylic blue chair, fiddling with his bag strap, slightly damp.

“It’s okay”

A car turned wetly around the corner outside and voices from the next room were muffled by the wall. Time seemed to go slowly in here. It had been difficult at first, but now Isak found safety in it. He was more comfortable, too, with the quiet that filled much of their weekly session.

“Do you know how you did in your mocks yet?” asked Kari.

“Um yeah, I found out today. I got 3 5s.”

Kari didn’t hide her surprise, but she was firm in her praise.

“That’s fantastic Isak. That’s great news. You must be proud of yourself.”

She looked a little frazzled, but her gaze was patient and attentive. There was something beautiful, but slightly boyish about her face.

Isak shrugged, but secretly her words warmed him. She was the only person he’d told.

“You must have worked very hard.” She said.

“Well..yeah.”

Kari crossed her legs and watched him, equable.

Isak swallowed. “I told Eskild…. about Halvor and stuff” he offered.

“Your housemate?”

He nodded.

“How did you feel?”

Isak avoided her eyes.

“Uhh..ashamed? I guess?”

They slipped back into silence. Kari had ditched the notebook, perhaps realising that it made Isak nervous.

She spoke with quiet conviction.

“You shouldn’t feel ashamed. It wasn’t your fault.”

Her voice was low, stern. Isak reacted, shifting back in his seat, grasping for why that rang so dissonant in his head.

“It was though. You don’t know” he said. “It was both of us that made our relationship bad.”

Kari looked down, running her hands over her brown forearms.

“You’re right.” She allowed after a moment. “I don’t know. And maybe you were unreasonable. Demanding. Controlling. I doubt you were, but you might have been.”

He looked at her. She was a small woman, with cropped hair and a neat face, but there was a certain weight to her. She didn’t often tell Isak what she thought, and when she did she chose her words carefully. There was strength in them.

“Everyone is like that sometimes” she said, “especially when they’re young and under strain. That does not give anyone a right to hurt you.”

Isak dropped his eyes.

“That’s not just me saying that, Isak, that’s the law.”

Isak nodded, his head low. When he didn’t say anything, Kari continued sternly.

“If Jonas had a girlfriend and they fought, and she hit him, would that be something for him to be ashamed of?”

Isak scowled at the question. “No. But Jonas wouldn’t- Jonas is a good person.”

“Come on…” said Kari. “He can be an asshole sometimes, right?”

Isak thought about that, for some reason suddenly wanting to smile. “I mean…yeah.”

“But nobody has the right to hit him for that.”

Isak shook his head.

“I think you need to start thinking about yourself like you think about those you love. Because you know that you’re a good person, Isak, I know you do. Even though Halvor may have made you think that you aren’t.”

Isak hung his head and Kari softened her tone.

“Try to think about that.”

 

* * *

 

The rain clouds hung around all week, pattering on the library window. Isak hung out with the boys during school, but afterwards he went to the library. He knew he should tell them why he wasn’t always up for doing things with them. Why, on some days, he laughed and joined in their conversations, and on other days he was just quiet. Days when he couldn’t quite pretend to be fine. When he could feel that hole inside of him, and he just needed to distract himself.

Isak was feeling low. He was trying to work through chapter 5 of Biology because he had never really caught up with those lessons, but Sana’s notes weren’t making sense. He hadn’t slept much or changed this grey hoodie in almost a week. His eating was better though, he had been really trying with that. Eskild texted to say that there was food in the fridge and that he was going out while Noora had the girls over.

Isak had been thinking about what Kari said and it was hard, so hard. He had been trying to be kinder to himself, but his instinct was always to be under pressure.

In was almost 17:00 and there were only a few other people in the library, which was closing soon. The sky outside may already have darkened, and rain thrummed against the window like fingers on a desk.

Someone sat down next to him but Isak didn’t look up.

“Hello”

Even smiled at him. He leaned an elbow on the table while Isak took him in: pushed-up hair and a grey t-shirt under his moss green hoodie. His lips were chapped and his eyes were blue and hesitant.

“Hi” Isak huffed, trying to seem unaffected. He looked back down at the desk.

“How are you?” asked Even.

“I’m okay”

_I missed you._

Even tilted his head, twisting his pen in his hands. Okay, he was really fucking distracting.

“So uh, what are you doing?”

“Biology” said Isak. He licked his lips. “Um, molluscs. They have to break their spine to shed their shell. Kind of depressing, right?”

Even huffed, an amused smile tugging at his lips.

“Yeah. Kind of.”

_God, I missed you._

“I thought science mocks ended?” asked Even, leaning forwards just a little bit.

“They did but…”

“But you work too hard.” Even said, smiling. Isak’s heart gave a little jolt.

_How do you do that?_

Isak rolled his eyes “Well, what are you doing here then?”

“I’m third year. Also, I have coursework due in a week.”

“What’s it on?”

“Baz Lurhmann.”

“Who’s that?” asked Isak, frowning.

Even’s eyebrows flicked up. “You don’t know who Baz Lurhmann is?”

“No” said Isak.

“Romeo and Juliet?”

“Never seen it” said Isak.

Even blew air between his lips. “Fuck. You’ve never seen Romeo and Juliet?”

“No” said Isak, trying to suppress a smile at how Even was looking at him right now.

“You’ve heard of it though right?”

Isak shoved his arm.

“Of course I’ve heard of it, idiot”

That smile was back and Isak couldn’t help but return it shyly. He kind of didn’t want to look at Even, and he kind of didn’t want to ever stop.

“Okay, but you’ve never seen it?”

“No.” said Isak.

“Do you want to watch it? Like, now? Go back to mine?”

Isak chewed his lip.

“We can just chill” said Even. “I’m sure you’ve done enough work for tonight.”

Isak wanted to go with him. He looked down at his ninth page of notes and then back at Even, who was tugging at one of his hoodie strings.

“Okay” he said.

Even smiled cautiously.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Let’s do it”

 

* * *

 

Even’s room was different. His bunkbed was gone and his desk was under the window now, scattered with books and papers. The curtains were half drawn, the window spotted with rain.

“You changed your room” said Isak.

“Yeah.”

“Where are all the drawings?”

Even’s face shuttered for a moment, something Isak had never seen it do.

“You liked them?”

“Well..yeah” said Isak. “They were good.”

Even gave him a small smile. “Thanks”

He shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the back of his door. His hoodie was peppered with dark specks where the rain had fallen over his hood and shoulders.

“What happened to them?” Isak asked.

“I got rid of them”.

 

Isak dropped his bag on the bed and sat down, crossing his legs on the clean white duvet. He watched Even open his laptop and click around for a minute, minute expressions passing over his face. His hair was a little bit damp; messy and perfect.

“Okay” he said, picking up a chair and setting the laptop on it. “Can you see it there?”

Isak nodded and Even knelt down beside the bed to start the movie.

Suddenly, Isak’s eyes were sdrawn by a movement at the door. A thin tabby cat slipped through the gap, her tail wavering indolently. She pawed over to the bed and in one fluid movement, was up on Isak’s lap.

Isak yelped and tried to push it off.

“That’s Grinete” said Even. “You’re not allergic, are you?”

“No, I just hate cats.”

Even frowned. “Why?”

“They’re assholes.”

Isak lifted it determinedly by its middle and dropped it back on the ground.

Even sat down just as she made another stab at getting onto Isak’s lap.

“Grinete is the biggest asshole. She hates everyone..except for you, apparently.”

Isak pushed her away.

“They sniff out who doesn’t like cats and then they go and sit on them.” Said Isak. “They feed off warmth and discomfort.”

He decided that making Even laugh was his favourite thing in the world. He loved how his deep voice suddenly went high and the corners of his eyes crinkled and his whole face lit up.

“Or maybe she can tell that you’re as grumpy as she is.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”

The movie started and Grinete went haughtily to sit in the corner. She pawed at the rug for a minute before she settled, her fine bones slotting perfectly into a little curled up ball.

 

_Two households, both alike in dignity,_

_In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,_

_From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,_

_Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean._

_From forth the fatal loins of these two foes_

_A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;_

 

Isak lay back, his chin against his chest.

“I thought this was Shakespeare, what’s with the Hawaiian shirts?”

“Shh” said Even, but Isak could see he was smiling.

Radiohead was playing now and Isak realised how tired he was, his eyelids heavy. Romeo was gorgeous and his love for Juliet was selfless and reckless. Isak knew how this ended, and he felt his stomach sink. He wanted to rest his head in Even’s lap, to have Even brush fingers through his curls and chuckle at him and wipe his face when he cried.

They were kissing in the pool now and Isak felt his eyes slip shut.

The last thing he aware of was Grinete curling up, heavy and warm on his chest.

 

Even shut the laptop and looked over at this boy. This boy, lying in his bed, golden curls poking out the front of his hood and dark eyelashes lightly touching the circles under his eyes. Even leant forward and lifted the back of his head, his hand cupping the soft fabric of the hood, and sliding a pillow underneath. The little cat moved gently with Isak’s breathing.

Even wanted to touch him, to smooth over the pink lines on his cheeks, but he didn’t. He picked up the notebook and pen from the bed, moved the laptop quietly off the chair and sat down at the desk.

 

 

**Even**

Sorry for falling asleep.

That’s okay.

It was mostly the snoring that was annoying

YOU SAID YOU WERE JOKING ABOUT THAT

I was

You keep falling for it.

Whatever.

Goodnight Isak.

Goodnight Even.

 

 

* * *

 

Sana helped Isak with chapter 5 in their lesson on Wednesday, though not without some exasperation.

“Do you get it now?” she asked.

“Yeah” said Isak. “Thank you. Seriously.”

Sana smiled. “That’s okay. I don’t want you to be completely useless, do I?”

Isak rolled his eyes at her but he smiled too. There’s nothing better than being liked by someone who seems to hate everyone. He guessed they were similar in that respect.

 The rest of the class was packing up and Isak pushed the corners of his folder into his bag.

“Hey, Sana?”

 “Yeah?”

“Um, you know Even, don’t you?” Sana hardened. “…Um…In the year above?”

She narrowed her eyes, suspicious. “Yes.”

“I was just wondering if you knew anything. About what happened last year.”

Sana would probably like to think that she was a closed book, but the more Isak got to know her, the more he realised that wasn’t true. Maybe it was because they were closer now, or maybe she was just happier, but most of the time, he could read her pretty well.

Now, not so much.

“Why do you want to know?” she asked, some emotion shimmering beneath the surface.

“Uh. I don’t know. I just do.”

“Well, it’s none of your business. It’s for him to tell.”

She looked angry, Isak realised, and his stomach fell. It was bad then. Maybe what Karl said was true. Isak had convinced himself that it wasn’t.

_Please, don’t let it be true._

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

 

* * *

 

What the fuck is your library?” said Isak, standing with Even’s phone next to his dock.

“What?” asked Even.

“You have Gabrielle on here”

Even was lying on his bed, looking like a fucking dream; blonde hair splayed out over the sheets and one arm resting above his head.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s shit!”

Even got up and took the phone off him, pressing play.

“Even! No, what the hell.”

The opening notes of Five Fine Frokner started to play through the speakers. He tried to snatch the phone but Even wouldn’t give it to him.

“Dance with me”

“I’m not dancing with you” said Isak, but he let Even take his hands. Even was smiling and bobbing his head and Isak couldn’t deny him.

“You’re ridiculous” he said when Even started mouthing the lyrics.

“You’re dancing”

“No, I’m not”

Isak changed the song, ignoring the look of betrayal on Even’s face.

“Isak! That could have been our song.”

“Shut up”

 

_I know places we can go babe_

_I know places we can go babe_

_The high won't fade here babe_

_No, the high won't hurt here babe_

Even started to sway gently, their hands still laced together. He let go of one to put his arm around Isak’s waist.

“What are you doing?” asked Isak.

“Dancing.”

_I know places we can go babe_

_Coming home, come unfold babe_

_The high won't fade here, babe_

_No, the high won't hurt here babe_

_So come lay and wait_

_Now won't you lay and wait_

_Wait on me_

 

Isak’s face was squashed into Even’s t-shirt. It was soft with wear and he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

_I want to always be this close to you._

How completely malleable humans are, they go soft and you can shape them how you want. You can squeeze them, flatten them out, pull them apart. They mould to each other, bend and break to fit with the person they love.

Isak felt how his hand was joined with Even’s, the other almost touching his heart. He felt Even’s arm around his lower back. He felt his cheek resting on top of his head.

Maybe you have to find someone who just fits. Someone who doesn’t try to change your shape or disfigure your thoughts. Someone who doesn’t need you to fill every one of their cracks.

Someone for whom you’re not perfect, but who holds you anyway.

They rocked slowly to their own rhythm. It was hard to think like this, so close, and Isak just let himself sigh into it.

He wanted to hold Even just as tight.

_Coming home, come unfold babe_

_I know places we can go babe_

_Coming home, come unfold babe_

 

The moment was broken by a clattering in the hall, and then the door was pushed open by a little boy in a red coat.

He faltered. “Even?”

Isak startled, untangling himself.

“Hello Tomas” said Even.

Tomas looked unimpressed, and he eyed Isak.

“Who are you?”

“This is Isak” said Even. “He’s a friend. Isak, this is Tomas, my brother.”

“Hi” said Isak.

Tomas leaned back morosely, his hands behind his back. He looked like Even, the same eyes and ears. His hair was short and neat and blonder than Even’s; almost white, like a duckling.

“Hi” Tomas mumbled, almost to himself. “Even said he’d help me with my LEGO.”

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” Said Even. “Uhh, can you wait a while? Like half an hour?”

“It’s okay” said Isak, quickly. “I have to go anyway. Eskild will be wondering where I am.”

“Are you sure? You can stay.”

“Yeah I’m sure. It’s fine, I’ll let myself out.”

Even watched as Isak picked up his school bag and bomber jacket from where they lay on the bed.

Isak really didn’t want to meet Even’s family right now.

“I’ll see you soon” he said.

“Okay, see you soon, Isak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song at the end is Lykke Li - I Know Places.
> 
> Thank you so so much for your comments, they really mean the world.  
> <3<3<3


	10. I don't cuddle

EVEN:

(3 days ago) I’m sorry.

 

Fuck. He didn’t need to be sorry.

Isak had tried typing out a million replies, but he didn’t even know why he was feeling like this, so how could he explain it to Even?

It had been nice, so nice, to dance with him like that. It had felt like everything he needed; warm and safe and a little bit addictive. It made his heart beat and his eyes close and his brain quiet, just for a while.

But that scared him.

Because Halvor did that once. He’d tried to forget that, but he knew that he couldn’t. He had to remember that he had loved Halvor. That Halvor had once felt safe like that, like home, and that’s a powerful thing.

But you can’t live inside another person.

So he didn’t text Even, even though he missed him. He missed his rambling and he missed his silence and he missed his frown and he missed his smile.

_I have to make my own home._

 

* * *

 

 

The kolektiv kitchen was warm and a pan crackled loudly on the stove. Isak had his biology textbook open on the table but he’d pushed it back to make room for a chopping board. His stomach was rumbling and Eskild had gotten distracted talking about a guy he’d slept with yesterday, so helping him was probably the only way dinner was going to get cooked.

“He was just so nice. And so hot. I think he works at Kaffebrenneriet.”

Isak pushed up the sleeves of his sweater.

“It’s been a while since I’ve bottomed. It was really nice. He had one of the best penises I’ve ever-”

“Eskild.”

Eskild looked at him blankly from where he leant against the counter.

“I’m trying to chop carrots.”

“…and?” said Eskild.

The smell of frying onion was suddenly engulfed by the heavy smell of burning.

“Motherfucker.”

“Why are you cooking anyway?" asked Isak.

“Because Noora has started living off rice-cakes again, you’re living off cup-a-soup and Linn is living off cornflakes, so I thought it was about time someone took responsibly for feeding this family.”

Isak sat with his legs tucked under him on the chair and read through some Biology revision while the spagetti cooked. Eskild turned on the radio and clearly got a bit distracted, because the pasta ended up as a solid block.

“How the fuck did you manage that?” Isak laughed.

They ate their food in front of the tv while Eskild and Noora argued over their queer and feminist interpretations of a kitchenware advert.

Today was a good day, and it was also kind of becoming a normal day.

 

* * *

 

Isak walked to BUP, hands cold in his pockets. The late winter sun threw itself between stony shadows, cool and bright, catching in every reflection.

It tipped the edge of the window in the councillor office.

“How’s your week been?” Kari asked.

“Good.”

There was a long pause, during which Isak was probably supposed to think, or elaborate, or do something other than stare at the carpet.

“Yeah…so. I’m just been concentrating on eating and sleeping and stuff.”

_Things a literal child can do. Whatever._

“And how’s that been?”

“Okay.” Said Isak. “Eating’s fine. Noora had a bit of a wobble with her eating disorder so Eskild’s doing more of the cooking.”

“Is he a good cook?”

“Not really.”

Isak smiled guiltily and Kari laughed.

“How about sleeping?” she asked.

“It’s not great. I watch TV with Linn sometimes. But, um, Eskild isn’t coming home drunk anymore, which makes it easier. I feel kind of bad about that though.”

“You think he realised that that had bad associations for you?”

Isak bit his lip. “Yeah, probably.”

“That’s nice of him.” Said Kari. She crossed her legs slowly. “He could always stay with friends if he does want to get drunk, though.”

“…Yeah”

“So you don’t need to feel guilty.”

Isak shrugged, tapping his foot awkwardly. The silence lasted long enough for him to think about her words.

“What about your phone? We spoke a while ago about how that was a trigger.”

“Yeah” said Isak. “I kind of forgot about that.”

“Did you change the ringtone?”

“Yes. But…I don’t think that’s why.”

Kari waited patiently for him to continue.

“I think at first, when people called me, I freaked out partly because... I missed him?”

He glanced up and Kari nodded.

“But- I don’t think I do anymore.”

 

* * *

 

Coming out of biology, Isak noticed Jonas and Eva waiting by the lockers. Jonas was smiling and fiddling with his bag strap and Eva looked pretty and bright. Isak would probably have left them alone if she hadn’t raised her head and seen him.

“Hey, you! How was the test?”

“It was fine.” Said Isak. He’d actually done better than Sana, but he knew better than to spread that around.

“Me and Jonas were just saying we should hang out after school. The three of us.”

“Really?” Isak looked at Jonas, who was playing it cool.

“Yeah, man. It’ll be chill.” He said, shifting slightly.

“Okay. So long as you guys don’t start making out like you used to.”

Isak tried to keep the smirk off his face as Jonas gave him a shove.

“What the fuck man?”

Eva laughed.

“We’ll wait till you leave” she told him.

_Damn._

Jonas excused himself then, saying he had to find Mahdi before politics, and Eva went along with it with only a hint of bemusement. When he was gone she looked at Isak.

“Canteen?” she smiled.

The canteen was fairly quiet, as it usually was at break, and the line was short. They probably made a strange pair with the height different between them, Isak in a snapback and Eva wearing a powder pink jumper. She bought a milkshake that the almost same colour and punched holes into it with her straw while they sat.

“You and Jonas?” Isak asked, though it wasn’t so much a question.

“Maybe?”

She smiled and Isak felt his heart clench, though he didn’t quite know why.

“It was definitely good to be friends for a while...for us both to grow individually, you know?” She tucked back some of her copper hair. “For my happiness and self-worth to _not_ be reliant on a fucking relationship. But..I think it could be better now.”

She shrugged happily and Isak smiled.

“Yeah, so. I don’t know if he even wants to but…we’ll see.” She bit her lip. “Oh but hey, you! Vilde said you might have a thing with a guy in third year?”

Isak frowned. “What?”

“She said she saw you in the library or something?”

_What the fuck._

Isak felt anger heat up under his skin. “What the fuck? Why would she tell people that?”

Eva grimaced. “Shit. I promise it comes from a good place. She was actually quite worried about you before.”

_Fucking hell._

“I don’t care, if she’s fucking spreading stuff-“

It was an overreaction and he could see it on Eva’s face. “Honestly it’s okay. I don’t think she’s spreading it.”

It just made him angry to think how he had let people in and been open, even when it was shameful and hard. And now for Vilde to think she had any right-

“Whatever.” Said Isak, getting up. “I have Maths now.”

Eva nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry, I’ll tell Vilde to stop.”

“Thanks.”

It didn’t take long for the anger to wear away, and when it did Isak felt something different.

Fear, rooted deep in his stomach, which was stupid, because nobody cared enough about those rumours for them to really spread.

 

* * *

 

 

TO EVEN: Hey. I haven’t seen you in school.

 

TO EVEN: Miss you.

 

* * *

 

It was Friday and only a few people hung around the corridor, gathering last bits from their lockers for the weekend. The lights fell in patches on the grey floor and a blue door banged at the end of the hall.

Even was standing by his locker and he looked thin, a black hoodie pulled up over his grey beanie.

“Hi” said Isak.

“Hi”

Even closed his locker and turned to Isak, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I haven’t seen you.” said Isak.

“Yeah- It was just a shitty week.”

Even now he gave off so much warmth.

I _hope you keep some for yourself._

“I’m sorry” said Isak _._

Even shook his head, smiling. “Don’t be sorry”

Isak kind of wanted to reach out and touch him under his layers.

_I really did miss you._

“Do you want to chill? I have dope”

Even’s eyebrows jumped up and it was stupid how that made Isak so happy.

“Seriously?”

Isak hummed and Even blew out a breath as if Isak had done something impressive.

“You do know you’re a bad influence, right?”

 

* * *

 

 

Even’s parents weren’t home so they ended up at his place. It felt familiar now, sitting on the wooden floor, their legs slightly tangled. Even sat under the window, which they had opened, and Isak leaned against the adjacent wall feeling happy and giddy and safe.

“It’s all just connections in our brains.” He said. “Like, the more you think something, the stronger the neuron connections are, and the more stressed your body is, the stronger it clings to those patterns of thinking.”

Even leaned forwards and gently took the joint off him. His hair was all messy from the beanie and it looked pretty and soft.

“Um..but yeah” Isak mumbled, catching the tail end of his thought. “It’s nice because, if you know that, they're easier to break.”

They were supposed to be taking this chill, but after a while Isak found himself curled into Even. The mattress was soft and Even put an arm under his head, playing with his hair like this was a totally chill thing for friends to do.

“My parents are going to kill me” he murmured.

“Why?”

“Because I shouldn’t be smoking.”

Isak looked hesitantly up at him. “Is it bad for you?”

Even nodded, his chin brushing against Isak’s curls.

“I know I need to do better. It’s just a lot.”

“Yeah” sighed Isak. “It’s a lot.”

Even brushed against the material of Isak’s hoodie, fingertips light on his back.

“You know you can talk to me about that shit.” Said Isak. “This isn’t like, a one way thing.”

Even lifted his head. “We’re a thing?” he smiled.

“Shut up.”

“Is getting high and cuddling a thing now?”

Isak made an indignant sound. “I don’t cuddle” he said.

He liked the feeling when Even laughed, but he hadn’t missed how he avoided the question.

He tried not to think about what had Karl had said, tried to keep it back in his mind where he still didn’t tread.

He couldn’t really believe it, not when Even was so gentle.

_How could you hurt yourself when you’re so kind?_

“I think you can be the director of your own life” said Even, back to sketching over Isak’s shoulder with his fingers. Isak was half asleep at the feeling.

“Maybe." He mumbled. "What’s really interesting is infinity, though. How, everything that _can_ happen _will_ happen and it  _is_ happening. And in another universe, we’re probably lying just like this, except you’re wearing, like, a different colour hoodie or something”.

“So a blue hoodie then?” asked Even.

Isak nodded. He felt warm: body and soul. 

“You have a really cute nose” he murmured after a minute.

Even laughed loudly, tipping his head back onto the pillow. “What? How high are you Isak?”

“It’s funny. It’s like a baby’s.”

Isak half lifted his hand to touch but Even held it back.

“There’s a fine line between flirting and bullying, Isak.”

“You think I’m flirting with you?" laughed Isak. "Huh?"

"Shh" Even smiled.

 

TO ESKILD: Hi, I’m at a friend’s so I won't be home til later.

 

 

Isak sat on the kitchen counter, the light outside fading like an old photograph, while he watched Even. He was moving around the kitchen, all long limbs and rumpled hair.

“We can make toasties?” he offered.

“I’m okay thanks.” Said Isak.

Even frowned. “Are you sure? Don’t you like them?”

“Not really.”

Even's looked at him and Isak cringed at how intent it was.

It was just a little thing. He just tried not to eat anything that made him feel bad. He had kept control of that even when he didn’t have control of anything else.

“Um..I have kind of a thing about…unhealthy food” he said quietly.

He kept his eyes down while Even came over to him. 

“Okay. Do you want to just have half?”

“…I don’t know”

Even touched his shoulder. 

“It’ll be good?” he said. "We can use spices"

Isak raised an eyebrow. “You’re gonna tell me what’s good for me now?”

“Of course, that’s my job.” Said Even, frowning. “There was a poster: Isak Valtersen is in need of a caring person and possible ‘thing’”

Isak rolled his eyes but he couldn't help a smile.

“Okay”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! It was kind of soft but that's cause there's drama coming soon.  
> Also, I made a tumblr and i literally have 1 follower lmao so please come join me. https://everythingelss.tumblr.com/  
> If you have any questions/prompts that would be really cool.
> 
> I hope you liked this. Comments boost my confidence and productivity by like 1000% just saying.
> 
> <3 <3 <3 <3


	11. Sounds lonely

EVEN:

I found a picture of you

 

Wtf

Is that a cow?

It’s you.

Rude.

It was almost 14:00 and Isak was still in bed. His head felt heavy and he hadn’t slept much in the past week so he just lay there, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. He did this late at night sometimes as well, when he didn’t want to think too much.

_Whatever. That’s what therapy’s for._

So he let himself lie there in the pale afternoon, feeling a little bit numb, a little bit shit, but still laughing at Even’s dumb texts.

 

KATTEHOOKERN OG VENNENE

MAHDI: Is Jonas back yet?

JONAS: Yeah, just got back an hour ago. Can I come over and get politics stuff from you?

MAHDI: I dunno man. Maybe you shouldn’t have skipped school to hang with your girlfriend.

MAGNUS: How was the cabin?

JONAS: It was so fucking nice.

MAHDI: Get it boyyy

MAGNUS: lol

MAGNUS: How’s Eva?

JONAS: She’s great.

She’s having a party tonight.

MAHDI: Thank fuck. It’s been so boring here.

Isak keeps ditching me with mags.

MAGNUS: That’s mean.

Because Magnus keeps trying to set me up with this random guy in our maths.

He’s gay!!

And hot

wtf

MAHDI: …Isak’s hanging out with that third year though

JONAS: ???

 

Isak traipsed into the kitchen. He clunked a bowl down onto the counter and reached for a box of cereal.

“It lives” said Eskild from the doorway, and Isak gave him an unimpressed look.

They were out of milk so he poured some of Noora’s almond milk over his cornflakes and sat down at the table. He could see Eskild lingering from the corner of his eye but chose to ignore him.

“…So, um. Who’s that guy you’ve had over recently?”

“A friend.”

“A friend” Eskild repeated, and Isak chose to ignore that as well.

“but uhh, he seems nice?” said Eskild. “I thought Linn had bagged herself a hottie but then yesterday I saw him come out of your room…”

“Eskild.” Isak put down his spoon. “We’re just friends, okay. It’s not like that.”

“Okay” said Eskild, turning as if to leave. “but um, if you ever want to talk or anything, im here. And I’m very wise, if you need any…advising.

Isak nodded. “Thanks,”

 

* * *

 

Mahdi hosted the pre-drinks and they walked to Eva’s from his house.

The air was spring-like but cool, and Isak was only wearing an old grey t-shirt and his dark red snapback. The alcohol numbed him to the cold, but it hadn’t loosened the knot in his stomach, which had been tightening since they left Mahdi’s.

_He’s not going to be there. He’s not going to be there._

Halvor had sort of become a memory; a voice in the back of his head that was now just a murmer, an old habit, a painful reflex. It didn’t feel possible that he would see him again, and yet it was what Isak feared most.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

Jonas threw an arm around his shoulders.

 

Music drifted out into the front garden where people were smoking on the steps, laughing and talking on the grass. It felt familiar, like the summer of first year. The house didn’t look too packed though, and hopefully Eva had learned her lesson about posting open events on facebook because Isak recognised most people, dancing under the speakers and spilling drinks on the sofa.

“Hi!”

Jonas texted Eva and after a few minutes she broke out of from the crowd, greeting him with a kiss. She tried to kiss Isak on the cheek but he pushed her away jokingly. She had her hair up and it made her look older, silver earring swinging while she talked.

The room  smelled of expensive perfume and cheap spirits.

Isak left Eva and Jonas alone after a while and ended up with Magnus, Mahdi having disappeared off somewhere else. They stood against some picture frame in the hall, Isak on his second beer of the night and Magnus on his third, and thus had arrived on the topic of Vilde.

 “I just really want to kiss her again. She’s so pretty. I want to do it properly, you know? I don’t want her to think I just wanted to fuck.”

It was difficult to hear exactly what Magnus was saying over the music and people talking loudly all around them. Someone pushed past.

“She’s just so pretty” sighed Magnus. “He’s definitely flirting with her. He’s so much hotter than me”

Isak took a swig of his beer and turned to see where Magnus was looking. Vilde was talking enthusiastically to someone in the main room, lights bright in her hair. The guy was tall and smiling and gorgeous, leaning against the wall in a blue denim jacket.

“We have to go over” said Magnus. “You have to help me, Jonas is busy with Eva.”

Even was nodding at something Vilde said when he looked up and caught Isak’s eye. He held it curiously while Isak made his way over after Magnus.

“Hi”

“Hi” said Vilde, smiling politely at them. “This is Even. Even, this is Magnus and Isak”

“Hello” said Even, his eyes bright, moving from Magnus and back to Isak. His hair looked curly and messy but definitely styled, not soft like when they hung out on lazy afternoons.

“I’m trying to get him to join kosegruppa” said Vilde. “but I know you guys just think it’s lame”.

“I don’t think it’s lame” said Magnus, and Vilde smiled appreciatively at him.

“Also, Even takes film, so he can help with promotion and photography and stuff”

She looked hopefully at him.

“I’ll do that” said Even.

“Really?”

Even nodded and Vilde beamed at him. “That’s great! I’ll go and tell Sana.”

Even watched her go and then turned to Isak, raising his eyebrows in amusement.

“Fuck” said Magnus.

“What is it?”

Magnus leaned his forehead against his beer can.

“He’s trying to bang Vilde but she hasn’t noticed.” Isak explained

Even looked genuinely concerned at that and Isak couldn’t help smirking. Even gave him a disapproving look which just made Isak smile wider, stifling a laugh. He didn’t even realise he was this drunk. He flushed and Even broke out into a smile as well.

“Shit” Isak said quietly, looking down at the floor. He looked back up at Magnus, who had a grin spreading over his face.

“Holy shit, are you the third year?”

“What?”

“You need to go after Vilde” Isak said quickly.

“No, I’m not going after-“

 “Yes, you have to! You have to tell her you like her.”

Magnus frowned. “What would I say though?”

“Just tell her how you feel” Even cut in. “Be honest, girls love that. She’s not going to be mean about it.”

“What if she doesn’t like me back, though?”

“You got together before” Isak pointed out.

“She probably thinks it was just a one time thing for you.” said Even. “You just have to go for it and tell her how you feel.”

Magnus looked between them, torn. Then he swore and downed the last of his beer.

“Okay, fuck it.”

Isak watched him go.

“Pleased with yourself?” he asked.

Even shrugged. “It’s good to see you.”

They smiled stupidly at each other for a minute.

“I think you just got my friend laid” laughed Isak.

“I didn’t get him laid, Isak, I gave him solid romantic advice for a healthy long-term relationship.”

“Whatever.” Isak rolled his eyes but the knot in his stomach was gone now. His nerves had settled into a pleasant buzz that picked up whenever Even looked at him like this.

“Um..do you want a drink?”

 

They made their way down the crowded corridor to the kitchen. It was quieter there, warm under the white lights.

“Who are you here with?” asked Isak.

“Some guys from third year. I think they’re doing hard drugs upstairs right now.”

Isak reached up to get some beers from where they were hidden at the back of the cupboard. He handed one to Even and opened one himself.

“Did you meet my roommate yesterday?” he asked.

Even laughed. “Oh, yeah I did. I think he thought I was stealing something. He was really suspicious”

Isak cringed. “Sorry.”

Even shook his head. “Don’t be sorry”.

He watched Isak with bright blue eyes, following his movements, intent. And it was dumb that Isak was shy, because they were friends. They hung out and smoked and sometimes they cuddled. That’s all it was.

Then Even seemed to notice something behind Isak and falter. Isak turned quickly.

Sana was looking at Even in surprise, but she quickly gathered herself.

“Hi” she smiled.

“Hi”

Even took a slight step back from Isak and stood still.

“How are you?” asked Sana, going to the tap to fill up her cup.

 “I’m good” said Even, but something had dropped away and Isak felt suddenly protective.

“You two know each other?” he asked.

“Yeah” said Sana.

“I used to be friends with her brother.”

Isak vaguely remembered that group of boys at Elisa’s all those months ago.

_Because they were cunts to someone my brother used to be friends with._

Even gave a small smile. “How is he?”

“He’s okay. He took a gap year so he’s basically just scrimping off mum and dad” said Sana, eliciting another small smile from Even. “But um, Vilde said you’re joining the revue?”

 “I said I’d take photos and stuff. I didn’t say I was joining.”

“Oh, well you’re joining now” said Sana.

Even frowned. “What about Isak?”

Sana made a face. “I’ve tried: black mail, coercion.”

“Her and Vilde are like good cop bad cop.” Said Isak.

Sana shrugged. “We have a system.”

 

Even was quiet and it made Isak ache. He felt like he knew too much.

Even was one of those people who everyone loves and everyone is jealous of. He was one of those people who are so confident and so kind you think they have no problems. You think they are as open as they are giving.

Even had always been whoever people needed him to be.

_I don’t need you. I just want you._

They had both drunk a bit more and Isak let himself curl up on the sofa. Even leaned into him gently.

“You used to know her brother?” Isak asked quietly.

“Yeah”

They were in a dim corner, a group of first years making noise at the other end of the couch. Even tucked a strand of Isak’s hair back under his cap.

“Why not anymore?” Isak looked up at him but Even avoided his eyes.

“Last year was the worst year of my life” he smiled. “Um..I just decided to leave it behind: not stay in touch with anyone, not get too close to anyone. Just get through this year, you know?”

Isak wanted to touch his face, make him look at him, but Even wouldn’t, so he just nodded.

“Sounds lonely” he said quietly.

People were looking but Isak couldn’t bring himself to care. The party wore on and Isak and Even stayed there on the sofa, sides touching, Isak’s head resting on Even’s arm.

They talked, sharing smiles and warmth like they always did. They hadn’t done this in public before, but it felt okay. It felt like wherever they were, they found each other and they made this little space between them.

“I thought this party was going to suck” said Isak.

“Yeah, me too.”

Isak almost wished he wasn’t wearing a cap so that Even might play with his hair like he did when they were high.

“My therapist is an angel” he murmered. “Therapy is the shit”

Even laughed. “Yeah. Therapy is the shit.”

The sofa dipped as Jonas sat down.

“Hey” said Isak, sitting up and extricating himself from Even slightly. “Um..where have you been?”

“Twister” said Jonas. “It’s a whole mess. I think I sprained my ankle”

Isak laughed. “Uh, Jo, this is Even. Even this is Jonas.”

“Hi” said Even.

“Good to meet you” said Jonas and Isak felt like laughing at the awkwardness of it. “Umm, Eva sent me to come and get you, since I’m out for injury”

“I’m too drunk to play twister” said Isak.

“Even?” asked Jonas.

“Same” said Even.

Jonas laughed. “Okay. But, trust me, that wouldn’t be a problem”

They sat for a bit, silence hanging between them until Even shifted slightly.

“Um..I’m just gonna go and talk to Ivan” he said, gesturing to a guy who’d just come down the stairs.

“Okay.”

Even got up from the couch, leaving Isak’s left side a little cold. Isak looked down at his lap for a minute and then up at Jonas, who had an unreadable expression on his face.

“So…you and Even?” he asked.

“Not really..it’s just”

“You like him.”

Isak watched Even with Ivan, who was completely wasted and seemed to need some help standing up.

“Is that chill?”

“Of course it’s chill” said Jonas. He took a swig of beer and Isak watched him with an amused expression.

“Are you sure? It doesn’t look very chill.”

“I mean…if he treats you badly I’ll kick his ass...but you know that” Jonas didn’t look particularly serious, and there was a looseness in his posture that wasn’t promising for his ability to fight right now. But he gave Isak a fond smile, and Isak knew that however much he was joking, it was also the truth.

When Even sat back down, Isak let himself relax with his arm around his shoulder while Jonas started up a conversation about film studies.

“I think we watched one of you’re movies in class.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it was neat.”

“Thanks.”

“Jonas wants to do his project on The Room” said Isak and he felt it in his chest when Even laughed.

“Are you kidding? That is literally the worst film ever made” said Even.

“The room is a fucking masterpiece, man.” said Jonas. “Tommy Wisseu is a genius. I wanted to focus on his presentation of sex and gender but Mr Bjorn said he’d fail me on the grounds that I was taking the piss.”

Even laughed again and Isak felt like closing his eyes.

 

It was probably around 3:00 in the morning and Isak was sober now, and his heart was a little heavy. People were leaving and Chris Berg had ordered a pizza, sharing it with Sana, Noora, Eva and Jonas. Vilde and Magnus were feeding each other over on the other sofa.

“I think your advice worked.” Said Isak.

Even smiled at him. “You think?” 

Isak nodded against his shoulder.

He didn’t know why he was feeling so empty when he should have been feeling so full.

He couldn’t help wondering where he would be if he hadn’t met Halvor, who he would be. If he hadn’t spent so long being so scared.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Even’s arm tightened around him.

“Do you want to go?”

“Okay.”

 

Outside a few stars broke through the darkness, like pinholes in the blue velvet sky. The streets looked different, wider somehow, only half remembered, like a place in a dream. All along the road amber and white streetlights flooded the pavement with lucid light. 

The air was cool and sobering against Isak’s skin. It smelled clear and it brushed against his cheeks and neck and arms, making him shiver slightly in his t-shirt.

“You’re cold” said Even.

“No I’m not” said Isak.

“Yes you are.”

Even caught one of Isak’s hands and felt it. His hands were warm and he shrugged off his denim jacket.

“No, then you’ll be cold” said Isak.

“I’ll be fine, Isak. I have a hoodie on. I’d rather give up my jacket than watch you shiver.”

Isak put it on. The fabric was worn and it still had some of Even’s body heat. He liked the smell and the big pockets and the rolled up sleeves.

The darkness covered everything like a dustsheet, silent and still. The streetlights cast a hazy brightness, unnatural, like distilled daylight.

“If I ever make a film, it’s going to be set somewhere like this.” Said Even. “A city night, when no one’s around”

“All of it?”

“Yeah. Then it’s kind of in a void. Like the world, only.. you’re alone.”

Isak scuffed the road with his shoes. “That’s sad though”.

“Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

Isak could just about see him in the half light. He looked tired, like Isak felt, and like maybe his guards were down.

“I kind of like it though” said Isak. “Like, you’re free. It’s just empty time. You can do whatever you want”

Even smiled. “Yeah, I guess.”

They weren’t far from the Kollektivet, but Isak didn’t want to go home. He wanted to walk with Even until the sun rose.

 “What will your film be about?” he asked.

“I don’t know. You, maybe?”

“Me?”

“Yeah” said Even. “I think every film I make will be about you”

The sky was more grey than blue now, a faint glow on the horizon.

“It’ll be morning in a few hours” said Isak.

“Yeah?”

“Good morning to the same old jerks goin' to work, Garbage man pick up the dirt, the birds don't chirp”

It was a song by Nas and Isak couldn't really remember the rest.

“Don’t stop” said Even, bringing his hands up to cup his mouth.

"Seriously?" Isak laughed. "Are you going to beatbox?"

Even frowned. “Why are you so sceptical?”

“Okay, sorry.” Said Isak, grinning. He licked his lips and tried to remember the words.

 

 _"G_ _ood morning, yawnin, dawn is no gon'in'_

_Follow the light, it's just a great feelin'_

_And I love life, every minute is pure healin'_

_Something, something freedom_

_Something something._

_Kind of quiet, half the hood is still sleep_

_If you saw the night before you won't believe it's the same street_

_Something, something, something."_

 

Isak was laughing because Even’s beatboxing had no discernible beat and he couldn’t remember the words anyway. It was a mess and Even was smiling, looking beautiful, so beautiful in the early morning.

“Why did you stop?” he laughed.

Isak kissed him.

He kissed him like they were characters in a film, only they were warm and breathing and their hearts were beating in their chests.

Isak kissed him because he didn’t want to be scared anymore, and he was trying to do this thing where he trusts his feelings, and he doesn’t let anyone tell him that they’re stupid or wrong.

Even took a moment to respond, brushing their lips and holding the denim jacket and then pulling back an inch, their noses and their breaths still touching.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He pulled back to look at Isak properly, touching his jaw with his fingertips. Then he pressed their lips together, slower this time, gentle.

_You don’t belong to me and I don’t belong to you. We’re not going to fix each other, but we’ll try not to break each other._

Isak didn’t trust his feelings, not yet. But he trusted this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dfjkld; I'm in a hurry I hope this didn't suck.  
> Please leave a comment, they make me so so happy I love you all <3
> 
> also if anyone has questions/prompts my tumblr is https://everythingelss.tumblr.com/
> 
> <3<3


	12. Time doesn't heal everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild self-harm trigger warning y’all. It is mentioned once, briefly, as something that has happened in the past.
> 
> xxxx

He felt the kiss down to his toes and his fingers, which he twisted in the soft fabric of Even’s hoodie.

They walked, and Isak didn’t feel sober anymore. Even kept kissing him like he couldn’t quite believe it was real, like he just had to check, and every time Isak sighed into it and cupped his cheeks and kissed him back.

The first time they kissed Isak had been scared, but now he was brave.

He pulled Even back in, and they didn’t talk; they poured all the longing and the waiting and the tenderness into those kisses.

_This is the best feeling. There is no feeling better than this._

They reached the apartment and Isak stood against the wall by the door, enjoying the cool night air against his skin. Even’s hand was warm and he didn’t want to let it go.

Even stroked over his cheekbone and kissed him again, slowly, their noses nudging.

“I should go” he murmured.

“You can’t walk home alone now.”

“Why not?”

Isak frowned. “You’ll get stabbed.”

Even smiled and Isak kissed him again, their noses bumping softly.

“I promise I won’t get stabbed.”

Isak huffed and pushed him back just enough to look into his eyes.

“No one means to get stabbed, Even.”

“True.”

“Just stay here. It’s almost morning anyway.”

It was true. Isak didn’t know the time but his eyelids were heavy and the sky may have been slightly lighter at the edges than it had been an hour ago.  

“Okay” said Even.

They had to be quiet on their way up the stairwell, and then in the flat while they toed off their shoes. Isak didn’t turn on the light, just fell into his bed and pulled the covers over himself. He felt Even next to him, dipping the mattress, his presence safe and warm.

They lay together and Isak’s limbs felt heavy. His eyes were stinging but he didn’t want to sleep just yet, not when he had everything he had been wanting for so long.

“Is that birdsong?” Even asked.

“Fuck.”

They fell asleep just as bluish early light became visible beneath the curtains.

 

When Isak woke, it was bright, perhaps even midday, and Even was sleeping beside him. His eyes were closed and his eyelashes were light against his cheeks. For a moment Isak wanted to touch them.

Instead he turned, careful not to disturb him, and checked the clock. It was 11:03.

Eskild would probably be up, and hopefully out somewhere, so there was a decent chance the flat was empty. Isak looked around his room. It felt stark, bare in a way he hadn’t noticed before, and the clothes on the floor stood out against the pale wood. There were three t-shirts Kari had told him to try to leave, to lessen the fear and compulsion he felt around mess, but he didn’t know how he would explain that to Even.

“Isak?”

Isak sat up. Of course Eskild wouldn’t go out and mind his own business.

“What?” he called, and he hoped he was loud enough to sound normal and still quiet enough not to wake the boy beside him.

“Are you going to sleep all day?”

“Sorry. I got in late.”

“Okay” said Eskild.

When Isak lay back he met a pair of bleary blue eyes.

“Good morning.”

“Morning. Sorry for waking you.”

Even frowned sleepily. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Isak hoped he would always remember Even’s morning voice, and this picture of him, still emerging into wakefulness. It felt intimate. The flat was quiet and for a moment it was just the two of them, breathing.

“What’s the time?

“Ten past eleven.”

Even hummed and shut his eyes again. Isak watched him, and lifted his hand to flick at a strand of hair that had fallen over his forehead.

“You trying to keep me awake?”

“No. That bit of hair always falls onto your face.”

“I know.” Said Even, shoving a hand through it. “It’s annoying. I need to cut it”

“Don’t you dare.”

Even cracked his eyes open and smirked. “And why not?”

“I like this bit of hair. We have a connection.”

It was still unfamiliar to Isak to be like this; to tease and flirt and stir up the butterflies in his stomach.

“A connection?” Even asked.

“Yeah. You wouldn’t understand.”

Even grinned and Isak reached up to touch his hair again, but Even was too quick- he pushed himself up onto his elbow and kissed him. He cupped Isak’s head and Isak let out a surprised breath and then kissed back.

They smiled into it and made out drowsily while the sun rose higher in the sky.

 

Isak didn’t have a hangover, but if he did, he thought kisses against the kitchen counter would probably be the best cure.

The early sunlight had faded to a subtle brightness that filled the whole room. It was small and untidy: bowls in the sink, empty mugs on the table and spilled sugar on the counter, but this morning it felt a lot like home.

“Do you want eggs?” Even asked, getting a carton out of the fridge.

“Yeah. I can make them though.”

Even gave him a look. “It’s okay. I make good eggs.”

“Probably not as good as mine.”

Even laughed. “You can cook them next time”

Isak’s heart felt a bit too big for his chest as he leaned back and watched Even break the eggs into a pan, his hair all mussed and his lips pink from kissing.

“Sour cream?” asked Even.

“A little.”

Before long, Even was back in his arms; hands on his waist, tangled in his hair, loose around his neck and Isak couldn’t get enough. He was so soft for this boy with hair the colour of sunshine.

Isak was vaguely aware of a door closing and then footsteps that stopped abruptly nearby.

 “Well that didn’t take long” said Eskild, and Isak dropped his head down onto Even’s shoulder.

“Eskillllllld”

“Don’t mind me baby Jesus” said Eskild, who started putting away some shopping that had been sat on the counter for days. “and St John, I guess.”

 “What?” laughed Even.

“Don’t ask.”

“St John was Jesus’ gay lover, probably. I mean, probably not, but it depends on who you ask. We did it in a queer studies class I took once.”

“That’s really interesting” said Even.

“Um Eskild, can you leave?”

“Sure, right. I guess I can do this later.”

Isak watched Even watch Eskild make an ungainly exit, and he felt shy. The amused look Even gave him meant more than he could know: it meant he liked Eskild. He liked that Isak had friends who loved him.

And Isak had never been kissed like this. He didn’t even know you could kiss like this; unhurried, hands on hips. Tender, so tender.

“I love kissing you.”

“I love kissing you too.”

He kissed Isak up against the counter, and Isak could suddenly feel the edge of it pressing into the small of his back. It was a snap reaction, pushing Even hard. He looked shocked.

“I’m sorry.”

The apology was panicked, automatic. He meant it, but it came out too quick. An impulse. A defence.

_Fuck._

He watched as realisation came over Even’s face, and he felt sick.

“Isak..”

“Fuck. I’m sorry” said Isak. He had to concentrate on his body for a moment, remember where he was. “I’m sorry”.

“Please don’t say sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

Isak shook his head. “No. You shouldn’t. Fuck.” He rubbed his hands on his face, trying to collect himself, unlock his muscles and calm his breathing.

_Why do you have to fucking overreact all the time? Why do you ruin everything?_

“Hey, you’re okay.”

Isak nodded, but for one moment, Halvor had been right there.

_Time doesn’t fix everything._

“Can I hug you?”

Even was standing a few feet away, looking helpless, and Isak nodded.

The hug was light, just their arms wrapped loosely around each other. Even was wearing Isak’s t-shirt, but now it smelled just of Even.

“I’m sorry.”

“You say sorry too much, baby.”

“Sorry” said Isak, before realising how dumb he was.

Even just smiled, but it was a tiny bit sad.

“We’ll work on it” he said.

Isak was a bit quiet after that. He felt embarrassed. He ate but he wasn’t hungry, and the richness of the cream made him feel disgusting. He was angry with himself, and sad in a way he wasn’t ready to dissect.

Even had a shift at Kaffebrenneriet so he left, Isak insisting that he didn’t need help with the washing up. It was awkward, like he had shifted back into this person who he hated, who was dull and meek and damaged.

Isak went back to bed, not knowing what else to do. He couldn’t hold back the memories, which he had confronted so many times, each time anew. At first it had been with regret, then shame, then sadness. Now it was with rage.

He hated Halvor. Because this couldn’t just be falling in love, it couldn’t be sweet and new and hopeful, it had to hurt. It had to be relearning how to love: trust, not deference.

There was a knock, and Eskild stood in the doorway.

“Just friends, huh?”

His tone was light, but he was gauging Isak’s mood, which he always did by joking because Isak was a terrible actor. He didn’t look up, and Eskild sat down on the bed.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

He hoped, vainly, that Eskild would leave, but he didn’t. They sat in silence and Isak again thought of Halvor, and how unrelenting he would be in this situation. Eskild would never try to push him, but he knew he owed him something.

“He’s just, nothing like Halvor.” Isak was surprised to feel a lump in his throat. He had expected Even to change in a relationship, to become more like him. A sick part of him had almost wanted it. “Fuck. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know he wouldn’t hurt me.”

“No, he wouldn’t. And you wouldn’t let him.”

“I might though.”

“No, Isak. You wouldn’t.”

Isak thought about how they had lay together, talking and dozing under the covers. He thought about how he had laughed at Even wearing his sweatpants because they only went down to his shins, and he told him he looked stupid, and Even had laughed. He hadn’t felt like that before, fearless, and he wouldn’t give it up for anything or anyone.  

“No, I wouldn’t. Sorry. I’m just tired.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Said Eskild. “But you’re also freaking out, and that’s completely normal.”

Isak shifted. “Maybe. I just, can’t help but react to things and… I guess I’m worried that if I act like I used too, then it’ll get bad again.”

Eskild nodded, but it looked like he was thinking.

“Okay. First of all, what happened with Halvor wasn’t to do with your behaviour. If someone is an abusive asshole, that’s because they’re an abusive asshole, right?”

Eskild was adamant about that, and Isak had found it so hard to believe in the past. That was why it had taken him so long to be comfortable around Eskild, but Eskild’s support was unconditional and unstinting. He gave Isak courage.

“Yeah. I know.”

“Secondly, if you’re ever unsure, you come to me, and I can help you tell if something’s wrong. But, Isak, I think you trust him. I think you just need to trust yourself. Because yeah, maybe you’re used to a fucking awful relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good one. It doesn’t mean you can’t see warning signs or you can’t tell him if he oversteps a mark. If you don’t feel able to do that, that’s a problem. But I think you can.”

“Yeah, I think I can.” For a moment, gratitude felt thick in his throat. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Said Eskild. “Was that good advice or what?”

Isak laughed. “It was… Usually it’s kind of shit.”

 

Isak didn’t see Even until Monday, but he still smelled him on his pillow.

Kari said that some people find it hard to love someone after an abusive relationship, because that feeling is associated with a loss of control, but Isak couldn’t help thinking that his feelings for Even were different to what his feelings had been for Halvor. They weren’t stronger, but they were different. Halvor cut off all his air, all his surety, and ever since then he had relied on other people to give him that surety.

Now, though, he felt sure.

“Even and me, we kissed. And he stayed over and, I realised I want to be with him. For now at least.”

Kari sat, indiscernible as always, and Isak’s ears felt hot. Why did this feel like admitting something to a parent?

“What do you think about that?” he prompted.

“I don’t think it should necessarily matter what I think”

“Yeah but..I’m asking”

“Well…then I think it’s a good thing.” Kari smiled, and Isak exhaled. “It’s important that you tell him what you’re comfortable with at this stage. Communication and boundaries are going to help both of you. But I’m happy for you. He sounds like he cares a lot about you, and you about him.”

Isak nodded, his throat dry. “I also need to press charges against Halvor.”

The words sounded clear; definitive, like a signature on a form.

“Need to?”

“Well, I want to. I want him to have a criminal record for what he did.”

Kari nodded slowly. “I want that too.”

There was a moment where something seemed to shift. Kari’s words put them on the same side; there was an aim and an enemy that Isak now recognised.

“It won’t be quick, or easy. In fact it will probably be hard for you, but I think you are doing the right thing, and the brave thing. That said, if you change your mind, or need more time, no one is going to judge you.”

Isak nodded.

“The first thing is to file for a restraining order. That shouldn’t be difficult to do and I would have done it a long time ago if you had let me.”

Kari stood up.

“I’ll give you some stuff to read.”

 

* * *

 

 

**EVEN**

 

Hi I just got out from BUP. Are you free to meet?

Yes come to KB my shift ends in 20 mins

 

* * *

 

 

It was a grey April afternoon, warm and dull and fading slowly into evening. Even was standing on the street outside the café wearing his denim jacket over dark work clothes.

“Hi”

“Hi”

“Good shift?”

Even shrugged. “Yeah. Tiring, though. How are you?”

There was space between them, and it made the air feel cooler.

“I’m good.”

“How was BUP?”

“It was okay. “

Even touched him, just a hand on his arm, and warmth seemed to bleed though Isak’s sweater to his skin.

“What was it you said on Friday? Therapy’s the shit?”

Isak smiled but he couldn’t look Even in the eyes, so instead he looked down at his trainers.

“I think I’m going to press charges against Halvor.”

Even was quiet, and his thumb rubbed over the fabric of Isak’s sweater.

“That’s really brave.”

“Well, it’s the right thing to do.”

Isak didn’t know why it was so difficult to face Even. Perhaps just saying Halvor’s name to him was hard now. It was an admission that it had happened, that Isak had let it happen. But more than that, he thought Even could realise what this meant: that Isak loved him with his whole heart.

“How do you feel about it though?” Even asked.

“I don’t know.”

Isak moved closer and let Even wrap his arms around him. Even was warm and solid and he smelled like dish soap and coffee.

“I’m sorry about being weird on Saturday.”

“It’s fine, you weren’t.”

The street was fairly quiet, but Isak still pulled back, bracing himself a bit. “Yeah but, I wasn’t thinking. And you need to know that…I’m still weird about some stuff, and it might take a while for that to go away.”

“Okay.” Even didn’t sound annoyed or sympathetic like Isak had feared, he sounded like he cared. “Do you want to say what stuff?”

“I don’t really like being called Issy anymore.”

“Okay.”

“Like…Jonas says it, but…”

“But that’s different. I get it.”

“Yeah. And…I say sorry too much. I know that. Jonas said I should say ‘fuck off’ instead but I think that might cause some problems.”

Even laughed quietly. “Yeah, maybe.”

Isak nodded, and took a moment to find his next words. “And just…other stuff…might take a bit of time.”

Even nodded. He made a move like he was going to touch him, but stopped at the last moment. “Okay.”

That move had thrown Isak though, however fleeting. It hurt, like pressing down on a bruise.

“You can still kiss me, you know.”

Even smiled. “Okay. Yeah. Thank God.”

Isak rolled his eyes but he still tilted his head and parted his lips when Even kissed him, revelling in how Even guided him. It was quick, but it still made his heart leap.

“Idiot.”

.

A while later they were lying on Even’s bed and Isak felt happy, so happy.

“Is there anything I need to know?” he asked. “About you?”

“Not really. Just no self-harm jokes and we should be good.”

Even smiled, but Isak’s heart was stinging. He ignored it and smiled back.

“But…that’s like, my whole repertoire.”

Even shoved him.

 

* * *

 

 

**UNKNOWN NUMBER**

Isak. I got your number from a friend. I love you, I miss you. I don’t want you to take me back, I know I fucked up, but I’m trying to be better. We need to meet. I think you owe me that much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol whoops I think I forgot how to write fluff.  
> I’m sorry I’m so shitty at updating, my life is a mess, but I am still going to finish this even if everyone stops reading lol.  
> I love you and every comment makes my day <33


	13. I don't owe you shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: more of the same basically. eating issues, ableism, mild references to rape and self harm.  
> also some sexy time :oooooooooo

The air in the canteen was warm but stuffy, and sunlight filtered through dirty windows. There was a general anxiety that picked up at this time of year, as the weather got warmer and deadlines crept closer. Even had his final coursework due after the weekend, so Isak hadn’t seen him much. He hadn’t slept much either.

He picked at his pasta and debated throwing the rest away.

“Hey, Isak” Magnus asked, “is it true you basically ghosted your ex after he threw you out?”

Mahdi looked up from the revision he was cramming. “Seriously? That’s cold man.”

“Where did you hear that?”

Magnus shrugged. “Vilde said she met him.”

Jonas frowned, but he didn’t intervene.

Isak tried to affect nonchalance. “Uh, it’s complicated” he said, “He was kind of an asshole.”

Magnus nodded, sympathetic, but maybe a bit impressed as well. “Well if it’s any consolation, she said he’s not as hot as Even.”

“Well duh” said Jonas. Isak smirked, though he didn’t know if it was convincing.

“Yeah, so long as Vilde doesn’t steal him” said Mahdi and Magnus shoved him.

“I’m not worried.” Said Isak, taking another bite of his pasta.

“Have you guys slept together yet?”

Isak frowned. “I’m not fucking telling you that”

“Why not?” asked Magnus. “I tell you about that stuff.”

“Yeah, but not because anyone wants to know.”

Magnus pouted. “Okay, sorry. But I was just seriously just wondering how it works. Like, doesn’t it hurt?”

Isak felt something twist inside him.

“Dude" said Jonas "Shut the fuck up.”

 

* * *

 

 

**UNKNOWN NUMBER**

Isak. I got your number from a friend. I love you, I miss you. I don’t want you to take me back, I know I fucked up, but I’m trying to be better. We need to meet. I think you owe me that much.

 

* * *

 

 

Isak lay in bed. He could hear it in Halvor’s voice, when he was being kind; when he would tug Isak’s hair and maybe kiss his lips. It made Isak hate the feeling of his own skin. It made him feel wrong, wrong, wrong.

Why now? What did he want? Was he pretending not to know about the restraining order? Should Isak report him?

He didn’t have any of the answers, so he just lay there, reading the text over and over again. Because every time he read it he could almost hear a different universe- one where he would have believed Halvor, and been happy, and gone back to him again and again until he broke- like taps on the other side of a wall.

**EVEN**

Are you awake?

Yeah.

I can’t sleep.

Want me to come over?

Do you want to?

Of course <3

Then yes<3<3

 

Isak rested the phone on his chest while he waited. The room felt very still. He knelt and drew the curtains above his bed, so that blue light fell over the duvet.

The moon gave the street below a pale shine. Some people passed, probably on their way home from a bar, laughing and shouting. Then they turned the corner and the street was quiet again.

Even had his hood up, but Isak could tell it was him from his long strides. He disappeared below the sill and Isak waited for his phone to light up.

 

**EVEN**

I’m here<3

 

Isak opened the door carefully and he couldn’t help smiling at the sight of Even in jeans and an old Simpsons t-shirt.

“When did you steal that?”

Even just raised his eyebrows and kissed him.

The flat was silent and slightly eerie, though less so with Even in it. They climbed into bed, which was too small for them both, so it was difficult not to be basically on top of each other, legs tangled in the duvet.

“Did I wake you up?” Isak asked.

“No, I was doing coursework.”

Isak frowned. “This late?”

“Yeah it’s stressing me out.”

“…baby”

Even smiled at the word and kissed him. Isak rolled them over so Even was on his back and kissed him again, smiling into it when he teased him about how messy his room was now.

“Yeah, well, you just dropped your coat on the floor.”

“Oh, sorry” said Even. “Should I have hung it up?”

“Yes. Obviously.”

Even raised his eyebrows and pushed back a few of Isak’s curls.

“Okay. I’ll be sure to do that next time I come all this way because my boyfriend can’t sleep.”

Isak rolled his eyes. “It’s not that far”

“Shut up” Even pushed him off and back onto the bed. “You’re such a dick.”

Isak laughed until Even kissed him, and then he softened. “Thank you.”

“I’d always come.”

They kissed, missing occasionally in the semi-darkness. Bare legs shifted over denim. Isak still revelled in this: intimacy without the fear that always used to run cold beneath it.

He deepened the kiss. He wanted to forget those thoughts- lose them in kisses and the quiet sounds Even made when he got his hair pulled. He bit his lips and pushed up his shirt a little, wanting to feel the shifts in his muscles and the heat of his skin.

“Shit, Isak.”

Isak stopped. And fuck. What the fuck did he expect? Even was looking embarrassed, and Isak sat back, breathing shallowly.

Even was hard and for a second he couldn’t move. His head was too full, not letting him do what he had to do; what he knew he couldn’t put off any longer.

Even watched him over the rise and fall of his chest. His flush visible even in the dark.

“…baby”

Isak didn't answer. He started unbuckling Even’s jeans. Even gasped, and then moaned as Isak wrapped a hand around him.

Maybe they could just do this tonight, and Isak wouldn’t have to hurt.

Before Even could say anything Isak was stroking him, and his head went back and his mouth opened in wordless pleasure. Isak was good at this, he knew he was, and he just concentrated on doing it right.

“Shit, Isak, baby. Wait.”

Isak stopped. Fuck. “Did I do something wrong?”

Dread was piling in his stomach.

“No” said Even. “I just want to kiss you.”

He sat up and opened his legs a little to sit Isak between them. Isak just looked at him.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

He kissed Isak gently, not releasing his lips as he slid his hands under his shirt: up his sides and over the planes of his back. Isak moaned quietly, loosening in his arms.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s neck as he arched into his touch, feeling lost, so lost. He was nervous and desperate and aching and he had no template from here. His heart was beating in his ears but the tension was slipping from his limbs under Even’s touch. Even laid him back, and Isak looked up at him. His hair cast soft shadows over his face.

Isak suddenly felt how fragile he was right now, how fragile he always was in these moments, and what they typically led to.

“Even?”

“Yeah”

“Can we not, like, fuck?”

Even was quiet, and panic started to encroach at the corners of Isak’s mind.

“Hey, look at me.” Isak looked at him. “You don’t have to do anything, okay?”

Isak nodded, embarrassed, but Even lifted his chin and kissed him.

“I was actually going to ask if I could blow you” he whispered. “Can I do that?”

Isak blinked. “Um..yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” He answered. “But, Ev? I don’t really want to do that to you.”

Even nodded, touching their foreheads and brushing his noses together. Isak kissed him so he didn’t have to look at him. Even slid one arm around his lower back and moved the other down to his boxers, where he started drawing small circles that made Isak strain and whine. He fisted Even’s t-shirt as Even kissed down his jaw and neck, trailing more kisses down his torso. Isak was a mess before he even had his mouth on him.

“Fuck, Even.”

No one had ever done this for him before and he couldn’t think beyond a string of cuss-words. His eyes were wet and his body was curling and this was going to be over embarrassingly quickly.

It was, and Isak was weak, so weak. Even crawled up into his arms and Isak touched his cheek, still panting. He looked like a gorgeous mess and Isak couldn’t believe he got to see him like this: breathless and sweaty and beautiful. He wondered if he looked the same.

Even groaned when Isak finally touched him again.

“Shh, you have to be quiet” Isak laughed, and Even buried his face in his shoulder.

“Fuck. You’re too fucking good at that.”

Isak kissed him and licked into his mouth until Even came with a whimper between them.

 

* * *

 

 

Isak woke up to pale morning light and soft skin under his cheek. His mind was quiet and his eyelids slipped shut.

 

There was movement somewhere else in the flat. It felt early.

 

Even shifted underneath him. He smelled like sweat and cotton.

 

“Even?”

 

Even hummed.

 

 

 

They went back to sleep.

 

 

 

When Isak next opened his eyes, morning had settled in, and Even was watching him. He was shirtless and Isak could see the scars on his arm, faded and thin.

“Hi”

“Hi”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

Even smiled. “It’s really late.”

“Sorry” Isak said it without realising. Old habits die hard.

“Has your sleeping been bad recently?” Even asked.

“A bit.”

He looked concerned, but also adorable with his hair sticking up in all directions, and Isak stroked through it fondly.  

“Jacob called, and I said yesterday I’d help him with the coursework that’s due on Monday. But I can still say no and stay if you want.”

“No, you should go.” said Isak. “I’m gonna get up now anyway.”

Even chuckled. “Okay, sure you are.”

“I am” Isak mumbled, snuggling deeper under the covers.

He watched Even pick up his jeans and put them on in front of the window, and then get a t-shirt out from the chest of drawers. He lamented how the clothes skimmed over his body, hiding the ridges of his spine and the shallow curve of his hips.

“See you later.”

Isak kissed him, drawing it out as long as he could get away with until Even pulled back and pecked him once, twice.

“See you later.”

Isak fell asleep to the sound of him and Noora talking in the kitchen.

 

 

 

**HALVOR**

 

Isak. Answer me.

I don’t owe you shit. Leave me alone.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

An hour later, Isak’s phone beeped, and his blood ran cold.

* * *

 

**HALVOR**

I’m worried about you. I heard you’re with Even now. Karl still has the video of him when he was manic at the party last year at bakka. He’s completely psycho.

It would be bad if someone spread it around again.

Meet me tomorrow by the courts at 17:00.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Fear engulfed anger, engulfed sadness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Eskild thought Isak was just down. Even thought he had remembered a Chemistry test he had on Monday.

Isak was numb. He got dressed like a dazed animal. He arranged to meet Eva tomorrow at 17:20. He didn’t feel angry, all he felt was useless, hollow hatred.

All he could think about was Even- his body, his lowest fucking hour- on Karl’s phone.

 

* * *

 

 

On Sunday the sky was the colour of smudged charcoal.

It was muggy but Isak still pulled on his green bomber. It was a bit too big. He hadn’t eaten or slept and he probably looked like shit.

Somewhere in an alternate universe he was with Even right now, watching him work on his essay or listening to music on his bed. In another one he still lived with Halvor, and loved him, and did what he was told.

Isak felt sick. In a way he deserved this, though. It felt so familiar it was almost a relief.

 

Halvor was leaning against the wall by the basketball courts, and every instinct told Isak to turn around, but he was good at ignoring his instincts when it came to Halvor.

He was wearing a dark blue hoodie, watching Isak approach calmly, appraisingly perhaps. He looked the same as he did the day Isak left: short stubble and tangled black curls. He wasn’t big, but he was angular, which hid some of the strength Isak knew he had in those shoulders.

 

“Hi”

 

“Hi”

 

He regarded Isak, and then broke into a smile. “Fucking hell. I missed you.”

Isak just looked at him. 

“How have you been?”

“Fine” said Isak.

“You look good” He pushed away from the wall and Isak willed himself not to step backwards.

“You look the same.”

Halvor laughed. Reading him was second nature to Isak- the line of his shoulders and the set of his jaw- but right now it was difficult.

“What do you want?” he asked, trying to keeping his tone detached.

Halvor frowned. “Um, just to see you, I think.”

“You know there’s a restraining order against you?”

“Yes.”

Halvor was so good at this, he had it down to an art. Rile him up, calm him down, rile him up, calm him down, until Isak was all worn out.

Nothing had changed. Isak was still here, at his beck and call.

“If you think you can control me with that video you’re wrong.”

Halvor looked confused, and there was a trace of hurt in his expression. “I’m not trying to control you. I would never have done anything with that video- I know you care about Even. I’ve actually been texting him. He seems nice.”

Isak just watched him.

“…but Issy, he’s not well.”

Isak flinched. He hated himself for that, and he hated himself for letting Halvor run his fingers through his hair.

“Don’t touch me.”

“What if he has another episode, huh? You’ll deal with it? Like you dealt with your mum?”

“Fuck you” Isak spat.

Halvor withdrew. “Maybe you have changed a little.”

“I mean it. If you touch me again, I’ll fuck up your life. You think you can control me just because you have that video? I can report you for violating your restraining order, blackmail, harassment, domestic abuse and rape.”

Halvor looked disgusted, but he took a step back. “What the fuck? You wanted it every time.”

_You’re a liar you’re a liar you’re a liar._

“You’re going to punish me because you’re weak and insecure?”

“I could.” said Isak.

“You think I abused you? Huh?” Halvor licked his lips. “Why didn’t you fucking leave then?”

Isak didn’t answer.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“I have evidence.” said Isak. “And if you post that video, or if you ever come near me again, I’ll go to the police.”

He expected to be hit, steeled himself, but the pain didn’t come. Instead, Halvor moved closer, until he was only millimetres from his face.

“One day, it’ll go to go to hell with Even anyway" he said. "and he’ll realise how fucking worthless you are. One day it’ll fall apart and you’ll realise I was the best thing that ever happened to you. But I won’t take you back, and you’ll be alone, because no one is going to want you once they realise how fucking toxic you are.”

Isak didn't react. “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

Halvor looked into his eyes, and then gave him a disdainful once-over.

“No. You’ve put on weight.”

He almost wanted to laugh. He felt raw, stinging, but it was a good pain, like a deep cut with a thin, sharp knife.

“Go fuck yourself, Halvor.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ???? i can't believe i wrote a sex scene??????? that shit was hard remind me never to do that ever again omg. sorry if it was terrible.  
>  i didn't really want to be this explicit but i felt like it was kind of important to the story exactly how it happened. let me know what you think, feedback is awesome, good or bad.
> 
> so yeah, thanks for reading :)) please comment ok bye


	14. It'll fall apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: - Skip the first section (up to Even's text) for discussion of bulimic thoughts.  
> All you really need to know is that Isak is trying to deal with the meeting last chapter.  
> Be kind to yourselves<3  
> \- Also some kind of bad violence i'm sorryyy
> 
> It's five AM right now no joke. fml.

_“One day he’ll realise how fucking worthless you are. One day it’ll fall apart and you’ll realise I was the best thing that ever happened to you. But I won’t take you back, and you’ll be alone, because no one is going to want you once they realise how fucking toxic you are.”_

Everything Halvor said proved that he knew Isak better than anyone probably ever would. Not because it was true, it wasn’t- Even cared about him, he wasn’t going to leave him, and even if he did Isak would be okay, because Isak was strong -but because Halvor always gave voice to his deepest fears.

_Because he gave you those fears, and you’re never going to be free of them._

Isak thought maybe he understood why people made themselves sick. It wasn’t just because he had put on weight, even though he had, it was because he wanted to purge some of the fears Halvor had so easily uncovered deep inside of him. He wouldn’t do it, but he understood.

 

* * *

  **EVEN:**

Hi, are you free to meet up?

I’m sorry, I have so much work right now I’m kind of shit at dealing with stress

 

* * *

 

 

_But I need you._

“Weak and insecure.” Halvor had said.

_No, because I went to meet you alone on no sleep and an empty stomach to protect my boyfriend; because we had sex and I let him touch me and hold me even after everything you did._

Isak washed the sheets from that night in the washing machine in the kitchen. He watched them spin up and drop down, spin up and drop down over and over in a dizzy, soggy pile. He didn’t need his sheets to smell like Even. He didn’t need to see Even just to know that he wasn’t going to treat Isak like shit now that they had slept together. He didn’t need to hug him to know that they were still okay; even though Even had seen another side of Isak, even though Isak had let him see a bit more of how damaged he really was.

“You okay?” asked Eskild, making him jump.

“Yes.”

“Because you know you don’t have to watch the clothes for them to wash, right?”

Isak leant back against the counter and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know.”

He hoped Eskild hadn’t been there long to see him standing motionless in the kitchen like a crazy person.

Eskild smiled. “Good, then you’ll come and watch Eurovision with us” he said, missing the inflection that would have made it a question. Isak gave him a look intended to mean ‘no way am I doing that’, but Eskild was apparently immune to those.

“Come on, come with guru. You know you love it really.”

 

* * *

 

The next day Isak was supposed to see Kari. He didn’t see Even at school and he walked to BUP alone, feeling guilty and nervous.

_I never thought I’d lie for you again._

He hated this room; how dust always fell silently in front of the window blinds and the table leg always diveted the carpet in the same spot.

Kari frowned. “Why have you changed your mind?”

“Because I don’t want to testify against him.” Isak lied. “I don’t think it would be healthy for me.”

He needed something to hold over him, to protect himself. To stop Halvor spreading that fucking video or using it to control him. A trial now wasn’t an option, because he couldn’t protect Even that way. Even who deserved to forget his past if he wanted to, to not be known for what he did when he was ill. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for his trauma to be public; talked about, joked about. It made him sick with anger.

_“He tried to kill himself after that.”_

Isak looked down. He licked his lips nervously.

“Have you had contact with Halvor?”

“No.” he said.

The silence grew, as if it was giving him a chance to take it back. In the silence Isak saw the possibility of another boy who might be stupid enough to fall in love with Halvor, and he saw that boy curled up, shivering outside an apartment door.

_I’m so sorry._

Eventually Kari spoke. “It’s normal to doubt yourself, abusers can make you feel complicit or responsible for things you didn't want. Just know that the law is on your side, Isak. Halvor is dangerous.”

“I don’t have any evidence though. Like, if he abused me, why wouldn’t I have left?”

_“Why didn’t you fucking leave? - Yeah, that’s what I thought.”_

“Because you were ill.” Said Kari. “Abusers manipulate people, and they make them ill so that they can’t help themselves. He made you ill, in lots of ways, but you did leave, and you were brave and right to leave.”

Isak wasn’t sure he liked the word ill, it made him think of his mum and her weakness. But Kari didn’t think he was weak, and the more he thought about it, the more the word made a kind of sense.

He thought again about the shivering boy.

“It wouldn't be easy to get a conviction, Halvor hid it well, but your teachers and friends can testify to your injuries.” Kari was saying. "Just..think about it. I think it's very important."

Isak nodded.

 

* * *

 

**JONAS**

 

Hey, we’re in the park and we’re gonna get chips. Want to join?

I can’t

Yes you can

It’s Tuesday night

So?

It’s really chill

Eva’s paying

Mags is trying to get Even to come

 

* * *

 

 

**EVEN**

Are you going to the park with the boys and eva?

I am if you are

ok<3

 

* * *

 

 

The park was a little walk away from the flat, and the evening air was warm and oppressive. Isak’s shadow stretched out in front of him on the path and a few people still sat on the grass, lingering in the last copper light before the sun dropped behind the hill like a penny.

Jonas, Eva, Magnus and Mahdi sat at a marked-up picnic bench under a tree.

“Hey”

“Hi”

“Look who decided to show up” said Eva, and Jonas smiled with his arm around her.

“Only because Even’s coming” said Magnus. “We know your priorities”.

Isak pushed his shoulder in retribution but also to make room for himself on the bench. There were three crumpled brown bags on the table that still contained chips and a few used sachets of salt and ketchup.

“Chip?” Eva asked, nudging her bag towards him.

“No thanks.”

“Sure?”

She was wearing a plaid shirt which might have been Jonas’ and her hair had grown out, almost like it was in first year, which made her look younger. Isak shook his head and she smiled weakly.

 “Vilde says she can’t come” said Magnus, putting his phone down dejectedly.

“It’s probably too far for her” said Eva.

“Yeah, I guess.” He picked up a chip and chewed on it sadly.

Secretly, Isak wasn’t in the mood to deal with both of them. He leaned his arms on the table and traced a finger over some of the names people had carved there: shouts into the void.

“Hello”

“Hey Even.”

“What’s up?”

Even looked tired and he was wearing that worn denim jacket that Isak loved so much. Once Isak had seen him, Even touched his back, pressing lightly between his shoulder blades in a simple touch that was so normal for him.

“Hello”

“Hi”

Magnus made a discontented noise. “There isn’t enough room this side man”

“Come over this side then.” said Jonas.

 “Sorry” said Even, putting an arm around Isak.

“Ignore him. He’s just grumpy because Vilde can’t make it”

“Sucks” said Even, looking at Isak. Isak wrapped an arm around him as discreetly as he could. He was warm and firm and Isak had missed his smell.

“How are you, Even?” asked Jonas.

Even shrugged, jostling Isak gently. “Stressed.”

“That’s shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to finish my chips?” Eva asked. She pushed over the brown paper bag that was slowly unfolding around her chips. “I don’t want any more”

“Thanks.” Said Even. “Me and Isak’ll share.” Isak tried to give him a look to tell him he wasn’t being subtle, but Even avoided it. Isak ended up just eating a damn chip, and it was actually nice, if a bit soggy.

Magnus had started up a debate about the proper way to put distribute ketchup, and it turned out to be a surprisingly controversial topic. Isak looked up at Even and nudged him lightly.

“Why are you stressed, baby?”

“Just school” said Even, with a small smile that felt like he was lying. Isak narrowed his eyes but Even just kissed him; it was the first time they had kissed since that morning, and even though it was only quick, Isak realised he had needed it.

Nothing had changed between them. Even’s arm was still loose around his shoulders.

“You okay?” Even smiled.

“Yeah. Missed you.”

Even kissed his temple. “Me too, I’m sorry.”

The sun was low enough to catch in Isak’s eyelashes, and the colours around him had dimmed, as if they had been faded by the earlier heat. It was a little cooler now, and he was grateful for Even’s warmth. He heard a phone camera go off.

“Hey..?”

“What? It’s cute” said Eva. “Do you have insta Even?”

“No”

Eva made a disbelieving face and said in English, “It’s not official if it’s not on instagram”

Jonas shook his head obediently and Isak laughed.

“Can I put it on mine?” Eva asked, her chin cupped hopefully in her hands.

Even looked at Isak, who chewed his lip. “Fine. But take a different one.”

“His hair wasn’t right in the first one” Even teased. He tried to ruffle Isak’s blonde hair but Isak pushed his hand away with a glower. Then, just as Eva took the picture, he turned and kissed Even’s cheek.

 

* * *

 

Even was so good at seeming bright that it took a while for Isak to realise that he was tired. He hadn’t been sleeping enough because he was stressed about school and stressed about keeping on top of his mental health, which was of course a vicious cycle in all respects. It was exams in a few months and Even needed to do well.

So Isak understood if he was a bit distant. He was fine with that. He had some idea of how draining this period must be for Even.

_He seems like a nice guy, but Issy, he’s not well. One day it’ll fall apart._

_Fuck. Off._

 

Isak waited on the street outside school for Mahdi and Jonas. It was a dingy afternoon, close and sunless due to a thick cover of clouds. The school dispersed gradually, as circles of friends regrouped in the street and a queue of cars waited on the double yellow lines. The air smelled like spring and exhaust fumes.

Just as Isak saw the Jonas and Mahdi coming towards him, his phone rang.

 

**UNKNOWN NUMBER**

Unease felt like water down the back of his neck.

“..Hello?”

“It’s Finn, Halv’s friend”

The guys were closer now and had probably noticed Isak’s stillness.

“Look, you need to be quick. They want to hurt Even, I don’t know how bad.”

Isak went from cold to white hot panic. “What the fuck? Call the police.”

“I have.”

"Where are they?"

"The lane behind the skate park"

That was on Even’s way home. Isak wasn’t thinking as he pushed through the thinning crowd and started to run. The quickest route would be down Nord Street, the tram would take too long-

“Wow, what’s happening? Where are you going?”

Jonas had grabbed his shirt, and when Isak tried to pull away, he gripped his arm.

“Isak. Tell me what’s happening now.” His words were calm but he was keeping Isak in front of him with a bruising force.

“He wants to hurt Even. I don’t know why. They’re by the skate park.”

“Call Even.”

Isak did, and it seemed like an eternity between every stuttering ring. He didn’t pick up.

“We have to fucking go, Jo.”

Jonas looked at Mahdi, who wasn’t asking questions. “Okay.” he said.

The worst time Halvor ever hurt Isak was when he was jealous. The guy was sweet, into music, and Isak had let him get a little too close, buy him a little too much to drink. Halvor had hit his head against the wall for that; choked him and left dark bruises all over his body.

They ran. It was rush hour so crossing roads was easy. Isak’s shoes smacked the pavement at a pace just behind his heartbeat. Someone swore at him as he turned a corner. He knew where they would be: the lane near Even’s house behind the skatepark. It had graffiti on one side and trees on the other.

They had Even between four of them, body bent unnaturally forwards, his arms pinned behind his back. His chest heaved; his heels scraped on the concrete.

Halvor punched him in the stomach and Even wretched, coughing. His body was trying to curl in and protect itself. He stopped struggling, his chest raking in pained breaths. He looked up at Halvor and spat.

Halvor was strong, brutally so, but he wasn’t expecting Isak to hit him at full force.

He knocked him to the ground and hit him once, twice. He kept hitting. He didn’t want to give Halvor a moment to recognise him, not a moment to look at him with those dark green eyes or use his voice or call him Issy or touch him-

He was shaking. He wasn’t thinking, wasn’t even angry anymore really. He was scared and running on adrenaline.

Halvor spat blood and Isak saw Jonas break the line, shoving Karl against the wall. Mahdi was yelling.

Halvor seized the opportunity. He grabbed Isak’s wrist and pushed him back onto the concrete. He tried to pin him under his knees and Isak felt terror tightening in his throat. Halvor hit him, hard, and a few moments later Isak was on his front, his head ringing. Dark blood seeped into the concrete.

Halvor was being held by two police officers, his lip split open and his hands handcuffed. Someone hauled Isak up and searched him; his arms were pinned behind his back and Isak forced himself to stay still and not to cower from the touches. 

They found a knife in Halvor’s back pocket.

Isak couldn't think about that. His head was throbbing. His jaw was going to bruise badly as well as his arms and hips where Halvor had kneeled on flesh. He tried to focus on that, he couldn’t cope with the rest.

Even was still, crouched over. His back looked rigid with pain. There was a police woman talking on her radio.

“…bruised or possibly broken ribs. Likely concussion.”

Isak couldn’t orientate himself to go to him.

Jonas was saying something, still restrained, and Mahdi was sitting on the curb with an ice pack. Halvor had been arrested. It looked like Karl and the other guys had run.

Isak told the police about the restraining order; that Halvor was violent, he had abused and raped him when they were together. He answered the questions numbly. No, he didn’t know that Halvor had a knife. Yes, he would provide a statement.

“You need to come with me in the car.”

"No, I need to see Even."

“He needs to be checked out" said the policeman. "There’s an officer with him. He’ll be fine if you let them do their job.”

“You want me to come with you?”

Jonas  had finished talking to the other policeman. He glanced Isak over quickly for injuries.

“I’m fine.” said Isak. “Will you stay with Even?”

Jonas frowned, but he agreed.

“Thank you.”

Isak got into the police car. He could see Halvor’s bent head in the car in front.

Somehow today already felt like a bad memory. 

 

* * *

 

 

**MAGNUS**

Where are you guys?

 

Where the fuck are you I’m outside school?

 

2 missed calls from this number.

 

Is the video on Instagram of Even? That’s fucked up.

 

* * *

 

**JONAS**

3 missed calls from this number.

 

Issy pick up.

 

* * *

 

 

**SANA**

Isak what the fuck did you do?

 

Get rid of that fucking video

 

Karl tagged everyone in it on Instagram.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay okay okay okay  
> I’m sorry for this, but I do have my reasons.  
> 1\. Isak finally got to punch Halvor in the face.  
> 2\. Even is going to be more vulnerable and understand that he can rely on Isak.  
> 3\. They need to talk about some stuff they’ve been keeping from each other.  
> 4\. Isak is going to learn more about Even and how to support him.
> 
>  
> 
> On a lighter note, I realised after I wrote it that the chips scene is probably the most English thing ever lol sorry
> 
> (Finally this is set before Ramadan, hence why Sana is swearing lol)
> 
> Thanks for reading, sorry again. I'm going to bed please leave me a comment <33333


	15. Let yourself out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> manipulative relationship stuff in the first section, but i figure you're probably used to that by now xxx

Two years ago, at the end of the school year, Isak was with Halvor and his friends, drinking in the park while the sun beat down. Halvor was shirtless, leaning back on his elbow across the circle from Isak. He hadn’t told his friends who the blonde boy was, but they had probably guessed.

“Apparently they beat up the Penetrators.”

“It was only like three guys, William wasn’t even there.” The guy, who was called Karl, reached for the rucksack in the middle to get another beer. “Now Jacob’s pissed at some first year from Nissen.”

“Isak goes to Nissen” said Halvor, and he tilted his head as if to remind them who he was talking about.

“Do you know a guy called Jonas in first year?” asked Karl.

“Yeah. He’s my friend.”

“Shit. I think they want to beat him up.”

Isak didn’t think he had heard right. “What?”

“Chill, they’re not doing it right now.” Karl didn’t even try to hide his amusement. 

“Don’t listen to him.” said Finn, irritated. “They’re not going to beat up some random first year just because Jacob wants to.”

If he wasn’t the only Jonas in the year, Isak would have thought they were talking about someone else. But then he didn’t really know Jonas anymore- they hardly talked, because Isak had nothing to say and Jonas was to wrapped up in his own life to find out what he wasn’t saying -but Isak still thought of him as his best friend, and he couldn’t deal with the thought of some third year assholes hurting him.

He was about to say something when he noticed Halvor looking at him. It was a warning look, but it softened when Isak stayed quiet, almost teasing. He still had that insouciant lean, his dark hair slightly damp over his forehead.

_Asshole._

The sun relented slightly, and a greenfly tickled Isak’s knee like the grass under his calves. The sky was still blanket blue, but he couldn’t stay.

“I have to go” he said. Halvor was talking to Karl, but he glanced at Isak as he got up.

_They won’t know you fucked me if you just say goodbye._

“Nice to meet you, Isak” said Finn.

“You too.”

 

The park sloped down beside a brick wall to where it joined the road. It would take twenty minutes, maybe fifteen, to get home from there. The house was a mess and his mum would freak out if she saw it before he had a chance to clean. To her, uncleanliness was a sign of sloth and disease, both of which were evils. There were lots evils in their house, and most of them were Isak’s.

“Where are you going?”

Isak turned around quickly. Halvor had put his t-shirt back on, which was loose on him, and his hair was mussed.

“Home.”

“Without saying goodbye to me?”

“Well…you were kind of ignoring me.”

Halvor frowned. “What are you talking about?” He stepped closer, intimate, and Isak hated the intensity of his relief. “I wanted you to meet them because I like you. I was nervous; they’ve never met a boyfriend of mine before.”

“Is that what you told them I was?”

Halvor nodded.

“Oh.”

Halvor laughed. “Oh? What did you think I said, huh?”

Isak shrugged, embarrassed. There was still an uneasiness weighing down on him.

“Halv…Are the Yakuza guys going to hurt Jonas?”

Halvor sighed. “No stupid, I wouldn’t let them do that. But…I don’t really get why you care. He’s an asshole, Issy, he doesn’t give a shit about you.”

Isak just said “you’ll make sure, though?”

Halvor kissed him, and although it took him by surprise, he received it tenderly, letting himself be comforted.

“Only if you stay over tonight.” Halvor whispered.

Isak pulled back. “What? I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I have school tomorrow.”

Halvor frowned. “So don’t go”

“I have to go.”

“Then I’ll drive you”

Isak struggled, trying to explain. “…My mum…”

“Do you not want to or something?”

He was joking, but Isak still felt he was on dangerous ground. “Of course I do.”

“So then what’s the problem?”

Before Isak could answer Halvor kissed him again, and he responded carefully. Halvor hummed, pulling him closer by the waist. Isak let him. The cold indifference he had sustained all afternoon had shaken Isak more than he would admit.

“I’ll have to borrow clothes.”

Halvor’s smiled. “If you ask nicely.”

Isak felt something in him calm; he didn’t have to go home, he didn’t have to be alone. He could be here, with Halvor, who cared about him. Their next kiss was the one he had longed for. They were in public, but it felt okay, because Halvor wasn’t ashamed of him. He could breathe a little deeper, tasting cool air and grass, and warm beer on Halvor’s tongue.

“Say you love me” Halvor whispered.

Isak blinked. He had only said that once, when he was upset.

“I love you.”

“Say you’d do anything for me.”

Isak frowned, but Halvor leant down and kissed his neck. He was never like this, never. And the fucked up thing was, Isak was happy. He was happy that Halvor was touching him like this and kissing him only a few yards from where his friends were sat. He was happy that Halvor needed him too.

“I’d do anything for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

It took a moment to adjust to the dark after the aching white lights in the police station. Purple splotches floated in the middle of the empty car park.

It must have been almost 1:00.

Isak felt like something had been torn away from him, gouged and hollowed out, inspected until it lost all coherence and was just ugly remains. He told the police interviewer everything, but it was only a mangled truth. How can you keep in-tact nearly two years of constantly distorting perception?

_I love you. I’d do anything for you._

_Fuck._

_Abusers can make you feel complicit, or responsible for things you didn’t want._

Eskild was waiting at the bottom of the concrete steps, eyeliner smudged under his lashline.

“Hi”

“Hi” Isak didn’t want to hug him.

“You alright?” Eskild asked.

“Yeah. Let’s go home.”

 

**EVEN**

 

I went to the police. I don’t know if they give a shit about the abuse, but either way armed assault and blackmail in violation of a restraining order is enough to get him prison time.

Point is, he won’t hurt you again. I hate that he did. I should have talked to you or just gone to the police when he first texted me. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I’m still so fucking sorry.

 

 

 

**JONAS**

 

The video is down. Seems like Instagram has a harsher policy against nudity than bullying/harassment.

Even's mum is here at the hospital so I'm gonna leave. He didn’t have any internal bleeding.

Hope you’re okay. Text me.

 

**SANA**

 

Sorry for the text earlier. I thought you had something to do with it because of the name of the account. That was stupid and I’m sorry.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas were standing outside school. They were early, but it was summer so there were plenty of people already in the courtyard. It had been a while since Isak had bruises, dark purple and sallow that hurt under the skin. It was only the second time he had gone to school with one visible.

“Shit, that looks bad” said Mahdi.

“Thanks.”

Mahdi didn’t look too worse for wear, but Jonas had a split lip. He was carrying his rucksack on one shoulder.

“How are you?” he asked.  “You didn’t reply to my texts.”

“Sorry, I didn’t read them until late.”

“Are you okay? Did it go alright?” Isak nodded. The sun was in his eyes.

“Did what go alright?” asked Magnus. No one answered him. “Why is no one telling me anything?”

“Don’t ask me” said Mahdi. “I don’t even know myself.”

“Yeah you do, you were there yesterday.”

Jonas shook his head. “Drop it, Mags.”

Magnus did, reluctantly, and obviously a little hurt. He deserved to know, and so did Mahdi, after everything that had happened. It didn’t have to be a big deal.

“It was to do with Halvor” said Isak. “My ex. There’s not really much to say, other than that he’s a piece of shit.” He shrugged, feeling small. “The thing is…he kind of abused me when we were together….and I guess he couldn’t handle me being with someone else.” He didn’t know what else to say, so he chanced a look up.

Magnus’ brow was furrowed. “What the fuck? Like, he hit you?”

“It’s- it’s not just physical. Shit- it’s really fucking hard to explain, but it’s kind of mental as well. Like…he just fucked with my head basically. I met him when I was really young and naïve and I thought I loved him and it was all just really fucked up. But you can look it up if you want, it doesn’t only happen to girls, and it doesn’t make me weak or dumb or whatever. It’s to do with sustained manipulation and neurone pathways and stuff.” Isak stopped and took a breath.

Mahdi and Magnus looked at him, shocked. Their silence was painful, especially over the clamour of the courtyard.

Magnus was the first to speak. “We don’t think you’re dumb” he said.

“Fuck no" said Mahdi. "Or weak. You punched him in the fucking throat.”

_I didn’t do that before though._

Jonas interjected. “Yeah, but Isak’s not tough because he punched him, he’s tough because he left him and got better. Anyway toughness is a very patriarchal standard.”

Isak smiled weakly.

Mahdi was still working through it in his head. “Is that why you used to be so quiet and avoid us and shit?”

Isak nodded, hating every second of this.

“I’m so sorry. Fuck, we should have killed him.”

“No, you shouldn’t.”

“Have you told the police?”

“Yeah” said Isak, as if it hadn’t been one of the worst experiences of his life. “He had a knife when they attacked Even so he’s kind of fucked whether they believe me about the abuse or not.”

“Do we get to testify?”

“What the fuck?” said Magnus, breaking his silence. “A knife? Is Even okay?”

“He’s fine” said Jonas quickly. "I was with him at the hospital last night. They thought he might have cracked ribs but they were just badly bruised. I think it was fucking painful, but nothing scary.”

Isak remembered Even crouching down small at the side of the road.

“What about the video on insta? Was he manic in it? He told me he’s bipolar.”

Isak looked at Magnus, surprised. “Umm, that was an old video. They were blackmailing me with it, and maybe him as well.”

Seeing Magnus and Mahdi's faces, it finally hit Isak just how fucked up this was.

“Jesus.”

“Is he alright?”

“I don’t know.” Isak admitted.

“You haven’t talked to him?”

Isak looked down at the tarmac, and the piece of chewing gum stamped into it. “He hasn’t replied to me. I don’t think he would want to talk to me. It’s because of me that this happened.”

No one said anything, and maybe they were sharing a look. Jonas put a hand gently on his shoulder. “Isak, you know he’s not going to be angry right? You know that’s Halvor who would?”

Fuck. Of course Jonas saw right through him. Isak was being dumb, and selfish, still; after Even had to see that fucking video on Instagram with so many people tagged.

“He’s probably depressed right now.” said Magnus. “He probably thinks you and everyone else is freaked out by that video. You have to go and tell him everyone's chill.”

Mahdi nodded. “Everyone who saw just thinks whoever did it is an asshole.”

The bell had already rung and they realised that the last groups in the courtyard were finally dispersing. Mrs Madsen was coming to break up any that remained. Isak was supposed to have Maths.

“Okay.” Said Isak. “Thank you, guys. I'll go to his now. Can you say I’m not feeling well?”

 

He’d never skipped school before, though he knew lots of people did. It was actually easy since third years were still coming in late, and he could just walk through the gate. He turned left. He didn’t have enough money for the tram but it wouldn’t take long to walk. He passed a few people who looked at him weirdly.

He tried to ring Even.

He hadn’t been manic, but he had been stressed out and not sleeping enough. Things could still trigger depression. He was on medication, but Isak knew that didn’t usually stop episodes, it just made them easier to deal with. Whatever that meant. His mum was never depressed. She cried enough, but she always had a kind of frantic energy while she was ill, and it was impossible to calm her or reassure her. It used to scare him.

He didn’t know how Even would be. He knew he wouldn’t hurt himself- he was so much better than he had been a year ago, he was incredible- but the thought was such that tore at the corners of his mind.

Even’s house looked quiet. it looked so familiar yet so still.  He could see into the kitchen, which was empty in the fragile morning brightness. There were a few bowls on the counter. Even’s curtains were drawn.

For some reason, Isak’s heart was beating fast. He remembered sitting on that windowsill the night he left Halvor, when Even held his hand and made even the end of the world feel okay.

_I let you down._

Suddenly, the door opened. Even’s mum came out in a rumpled white shirt and a neat bun.

“Hello?”

Isak realised how he must look, loitering there his bruised face and his black t-shirt. “Um, hi. I’m really sorry, I’m Isak, Even’s friend. I think we met before?”

They had, when she came home while Even and Isak were still doing school work in the living room. He remembered her name was Britt.

“I remember you.” she smiled. She looked frazzled, but as calm and kind as she had seemed before.

“Is Even okay?” Isak asked. He needed to know.

“Yes, he is. We were at the hospital late yesterday but they sent him home. I want to know who did it though.”

“His name’s Halvor.” said Isak. “The police know. You’ll probably get a letter from them.”

“That’s good.” She said, and then frowned at his temple. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

She nodded, chewing her lip. “Okay then. I have to get to work.”

“Can I see him?”

Britt stopped and thought. “You can…but he’s a little down.”

“I know, I just, I don’t think he’s checking his phone, and there’s some stuff he might not know. I won’t stay if he doesn’t want. I’m a bit worried about him.”

“That’s very kind, but you mustn’t worry. That’s my job. He’s been much worse than this.” 

She turned back and unlocked the door for him. He noticed that some of her curly brown hair was falling down at the back. “I trust you, because he talks about you, but if he wants to be on his own you let yourself out, okay?”

Isak agreed seriously.

“Okay, I hope I’ll see you soon Isak.”

"Thank you."

 

Isak stood in the hallway, just by the door, for a long time. He was touched that Britt would trust him. The light was getting stronger now. 

Isak stepped over the sprawling pile of shoes and added his own to it. The artefacts of family life on the long shelf above the radiator were now familiar to him, right down to Thomas’ strange Lego construction that was apparently supposed to be a donkey. It was a strange comfort. 

He thought about going home, but he needed Even to know he was sorry. That however Even might feel about him, Isak would still be there, if he'd let him.

 

The room was dark. Or at least, as dark as it could be with white morning sky on the other side of the curtains. The window must have been a crack open, because Isak could hear birds on the roof.

He stepped inside. His eyes adjusted better and he could see that the room was a mess:  mounds of clothes, piles of books. The bed was against the left wall, where the bunk bed used to be. It looked very wide. He could see Even’s head facing the wall and his hair looked brown in the low light.

Dim shadows blurred into each other.

Isak longed to go to just lie beside him. His spine had been rigid, but seeing that Even was safe, and warm, and sleeping, gave him relief. He felt how tired he was now, how his back was aching. He wanted things to be okay, like they always were when he was in that bed.

Even turned over and Isak heard him sigh.

“Even?” He walked closer.

“Isak.”

“Hi” Isak sat down on the bed, and then after a moment, gave in and lay down beside him. He didn't touch him though.

“Hi” Even said quietly.

They were both quiet, just looking at each other in the dark. Even had a bruise on his jaw and cheek that made Isak wince to look at.

Even sighed and turned away from him, looking up. “You should go.”

“Why?”

“Because im not going to be good for you right now.” His voice was heavy. Even looked at him, finally, and it made Isak’s heart clench.

“I don’t need you to be good for me.”

They lay in silence. Isak’s eyes had adjusted and he could see Even, with tear tracks on his cheeks. He looked at Isak from underneath his eyelashes, as if they were heavy and it was an effort to keep them lifted.

“You’ve seen it?” he asked.

Isak shook his head against the pillow.

“But you know?” He sounded so sad. Isak heart clenched again.

“I actually knew a while ago.” he said quietly.

“Did you know I tried to kill myself?”

_Fuck. Don’t you dare cry._

Isak blinked away tears. He didn’t trust himself to speak.

“I should have told you” said Even. He was looking at Isak but he sounded distant.

“No, not if you didn’t want to.”

“But, you needed to know” Even touched his shoulder and Isak jumped because he hadn’t expected it. Even wanted to look into his eyes.  “That can happen.” he said, “It could happen again, or something worse than that.”

Isak felt like his heart might break. “Nothing is worse than that.”

“I could hurt you…”

Isak frowned, and then deflated. “Even, baby, that’s not going to work.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean physically.” Even looked so tired. “I'm sorry. I just meant…you don’t deserve another fucking stressful relationship.”

Isak smiled sadly. “Who’s stressed?” He reached out and tried to make Even look at him. “I’m not stressed.”

He brushed some of Even’s hair back, and Even watched him. He looked a little more like the boy Isak knew. 

After a moment, Even moved his head an inch closer, and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been so unmotivated recently, i don't know why, but i hope you enjoyed this little chapter. comments are so encouraging and lovely to get, so please don't hesitate to leave one.  
> Love you <33


	16. Who are you?

When Isak woke up he didn’t know where he was. The room was dim, with deep shadows, and the duvet felt heavy. Beside him was a familiar mop of dirty blonde hair.

Even lay facing the wall and Isak could see the soft lines of his shoulder blades through his t-shirt, which moved very slightly as his lungs drew breath in and out, in and out.

Isak turned over, still dredged in sleep, and reached for his phone. It was 21:02.

MUM:

Hi honey. I hope you’re feeling better. My train’s delayed so I was wondering if you could boil some pasta for Thomas and Mari? I’m sorry to ask but I don’t think I’ll be home before their bedtime so if you could tell them to get their pjs on that would be great. Thank you and I’ll see you later love xx

 

Shit. _His_ phone was still in his jeans on the floor.

 

MAGNUS:

How’s Even

He’s sleeping

That’s good

tiredness is a lot of what usually triggers episodes

okay

I don’t know what to do

Just give him space

And let him know you’re there for him.

he’s been in a really strong place recently.

Yeah

Thanks Magnus

 

The day had faded to a warm, grey evening. Even’s room was kind of stuffy, and there were dark mounds on the floor that Isak guessed were clothes. A phone rang somewhere in the house.

Isak shouldn’t really have been tired, but somehow sleep was gathering back in his mind when the door opened.

“Even?” said a girl’s voice.

Isak sat up quickly. “Shh”

The door closed with a bump.

_Great._

Isak put on his jeans, rubbed his eyes, and opened the door.

Mari and Thomas were both standing at the top of the stairs, watching him like he was some kind of apparition. Thomas whispered something to Mari.

“Hi” said Isak, feeling weirdly embarrassed.

“Who are you?” asked Mari. She had a round, serious face and a ponytail held up with a pink hairband. Her school jumper was too big for her and the ends of her sleeves were chewed.

“Um, a friend. Of Evens”

“Did he talk to you?” Mari asked. “Because mum said if he doesn’t talk we have to call her.”

Isak nodded. “He’s sleeping now, but he’s okay, I promise.”

Both the kids were quiet. Mari bit her lip, and Thomas eyed Isak with suspicion.

“But um, it’s late, shouldn’t you guys be in bed?”

“We haven’t had tea” said Thomas, mostly to the carpet.

_Oh yeah. Shit._

“Oh, right. Me neither. How does pasta sound?”

The lights were good enough in the kitchen to make it feel homely, and the kettle boiled with a low crackling sound. Isak managed to find some pasta and a pot to put it in, as well as a jar of sauce from some expensive organic brand.

Mari and Thomas sat at the table with their elbows on the wood, watching him quietly. There were flowers in a vase in the middle but they looked fake.

“Does your mum come home late often?”

“Sometimes.” said Mari. “Then Even usually puts us to bed.”

Isak had never realised the involvement Even had with them, and it made him angry that Britt expected that of him even now.  

“I bet he’s a good brother.”

Mari nodded. “…sometimes he gets sick.” she said after a moment. “Before our mum had to call an ambulance.”

_Oh._

She was worried. Now that Isak saw it, he knew he was an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

He turned around. “You don’t have to worry.” he said. “That’s not going to happen this time, I promise.”

Mari nodded.

The pasta was done, so Isak drained it and added some peas he found in the freezer. It wasn’t the most exciting meal, but they were all so hungry that it didn’t matter.

“WRaaaahSsssKAhhLlllSss” said Thomas, thoughtfully, through a mouthful of pasta.

“What?”

Thomas scrunched his eyebrows together. He was looking at Isak’s hoodie.

“Oh. It says RASCALS” said Isak. He had thrown it on this morning, though that felt like days ago.

“What does it mean?”

“It’s English. It means, like, bad people.”

“Cool” said Thomas, and he wiped some sauce onto his t-shirt.

“Shit” said Isak.

Mari giggled “That’s a bad word”

He forgot you weren’t supposed to swear at kids. His parents did, but then, his parents also would have yelled at him for ruining his top, and he wasn’t going to do that.

It felt like good quality though, and Isak hoped to God it wouldn’t stain. “Okay, you two go to bed and I’ll try to get this out.”

Thomas frowned, and it was the same adorable frown Even did when something confused him. “But we need a story. We can’t sleep if you don’t read us a story.”

“Fine. If you put your pyjamas on and do your teeth in five minutes, I’ll read you a story.”

It took longer than ten minutes, probably closer to twenty, before they were in their pyjamas. Thomas insisted that he couldn’t find the armhole in his and Isak slowly came to appreciate just how hard it can be to get a hand through a sleeve, particularly when the hand belongs to a toddler with a grudge against you. Thomas didn’t like Isak, he hadn’t from the moment he met him, cuddled up with his older brother and delaying the promised game of Lego. By the end though, Thomas was just making it difficult for Isak because he thought it was funny. He was a lot cuter when he laughed.

“Thank Christ” said Isak, with exaggerated relief, when Thomas was finally in his pyjamas. “Now where’s your sister?”

Mari was in her room, waiting patiently with a book in her lap. The walls were pink and the light had princesses on it, because of course it did, and as much as Isak was pissed at Britt, he was at least glad that she cared. He was glad that these kids had a mum who worked hard, and bought them dumb princess lamps, and read them a bedtime story before they went to sleep at night.

“Okay, you guys get one chapter”

He sat on the side of the bed and Thomas clambered up to see over his shoulder. While Isak read, he leaned into him to see the pictures, and Isak could feel his weight and how fine his hair was where it tickled his arm. As he read, Thomas settled down and stopped wriggling, and Mari put her head on the pillow.

“What is it Muggle-Wump?” asked the Roly-Poly Bird. Muggle-Wump laid his head on one side and smiled. “Now and again,” he said, “but not very often, I have a brilliant idea. This is one of them.“

 

Isak closed the door, shutting out the light of the hallway and the hum of the house at night. He could see that Even was sitting up in bed; his narrow shoulders, his head which tilted up as Isak came closer.

“I put Tom and Mari to bed.” Said Isak.

“Did you read to them?”

Even’s voice sounded tired and Isak kissed his forehead.

“Yeah, Roald Dahl. It’s funny.”

Even sighed. “Thank you.”

Isak kicked off his jeans and slid into the warm bed to sit opposite Even.

“Did they eat?”

“Yeah.” Said Isak. “Do you want something?”

“No.”

A despairing silence threatened to envelop them.

“They’re sweet.” Isak smiled. He brushed a bit of hair off Even’s forehead. “They missed you. They said you’re better at reading stories than me”

Even was just quiet, and Isak hated not being able to see him. He could feel that he was holding himself still.

“Even?”

Still nothing, just rigid silence, but somehow Isak knew.

“…baby”

He knelt up and wrapped his arms around him, one around his back, which was curved awkwardly, and the other tight around his shoulders. Even buried his face in his shoulder and breathed, once, twice; Isak could feel it in how his chest heaved. Then he pushed Isak back.

“I’m fine.” He said, but his voice was tight. “It’s just hard, for them. If it weren’t for you they might not have eaten or known why or-”

 “Hey, it’s okay, they’re okay.” Isak moved forwards and this time Even leaned into his touch. It hurt, to see him cry, but it was also a relief. It scared Isak less than when he showed no emotion.

“They’re happy kids, Even, I promise. It might be confusing sometimes, but they seem mature enough to get it.”

Isak could feel the muscles in Even’s back loosen, and his breathing gradually even out. He rubbed up his spine the way Eskild did for him sometimes: grounding.

They lay down, and the dark felt heavy.

“They love you.” said Isak. “So much”

Even reached out and stroked a thumb over his cheek, just below where the skin was bruised

“What was it like? With your mum?”

His tone was flat, and any reaction Isak had to the question was eased by the feeling of his fingertips, brushing gently through his hair.

“It was hard” he said quietly. “She was mentally ill, but she was also just not a good mum, and at the time I didn’t really separate those things. I didn’t have anyone to explain or help me, you know, my dad left and then …I met Halvor.”

He paused for a moment. Even had stopped. “But Mari and Thomas have people to help, and explain, including you. They know you care about them.”

Even nodded, and he slid an arm under Isak’s side, pulling him closer. He smelled like conditioner and sweat and traces of cologne.

“Did you tell the police?” he asked.

“Yeah. I was angry.”

Even nodded.

“He had a really bad homelife too.” Said Isak. “I know he’s not an evil person, I think I was the only person he ever really let in. And that scared him, and it made him need to control me, and hurt me.”

Even tightened his arm around his waist, and Isak turned to look at him properly. He wasn’t trying to defend him, he was trying to say something.

“Meeting you is one of the best things that has ever happened to me because you reminded me I was worth more than being treated like that. So saying you’re not good for me is just bullshit, okay? And if for some reason this doesn’t work, and you do end up hurting me, I promise I’ll be okay. I promise. I can handle some shit, you know.”

Even was quiet for a moment. “I know.”

Isak found his lips and met them once with his own, before they both settled, breathing against the pillow.

Even slept a bit more. Isak was happy to stay just under the surface with the boy he loved, sinking slowly into the murk between thoughts and dreams. He could still feel Even’s breath against his cheek and his legs tangled with his own. It was a relief of the most gentle kind. He could still remember seeing him from a distance, his arms forced behind his back, bleeding on the pavement.

Isak could remember the feeling of Halvor on top of him, with his hands around his neck, his knee between his thighs, his hand tight in his hair. His voice was sweet and acrid, sugar and bile. Isak gagged.

It was just a dream.

Breathe in, breathe out. Even was still beside him.

 

EVA:

How come you weren’t in school yesterday? x

I was with Even

I’m in today though

Can we meet up? xx

I have a free period this afternoon. x

 

They sat at the top of a ramp, their legs dangling. It was a muggy Tuesday afternoon and the skate park was empty.

“How’s Even?”

“He’s okay.” said Isak. He glanced at her. “I guess you know he’s bipolar?”

“Yeah.”

“He was kind of depressed, but he’s coming out of it now.”

“That’s good.” said Eva. She was wearing a tight, rust-coloured top that bunched up above her jeans, and small gold hoop earrings. “Is it going to fuck up his exams?”

“It shouldn’t do. He’s applied for special consideration, but he’s been revising really hard. Also, his uni offers are low because his coursework kicked ass, so he’ll be fine.”

“That’s good.” she smiled. She knocked her converse against the concrete. “You know that the guys who hurt him got expelled from Bakka?”

Isak frowned. “Seriously?”

She nodded.

“Fuck.”

Isak was quiet. He wondered if it would affect their exams, which would start like Even’s in a few weeks. They deserved it for what they did.

“Do you know as well that Halvor’s on trial?” he asked calmly.

“Yeah.”

He took a deep breath, and kept his eyes cast down. “For domestic abuse?”

He saw Eva nod, and then turn away. It looked like she wiped her cheek.

She sniffed, and they sat for a while in uncomfortable silence. When she had found out? Did she figure it out herself? Did Jonas or someone else tell her, or is it just common knowledge by now?

The clouds glowed where the sun was muffled by their thick cover. There was a boy and a girl down on one of the smaller ramps, laughing, clumsy and self-conscious. They reminded Isak of Jonas and Eva when they first got together.

After a while Eva spoke again, and her voice sounded normal again. “My cousin said that being in an abusive relationship is kind of like being in a lifeboat. You get in and you don’t think of getting out, because you think you’ll drown without it.”

Isak considered that. “Yeah. Your cousin sounds smart.”

“She is. But the point is… do you feel like that with Even?”

Isak blinked at her, and then he thought about it for a minute. “No.”

With Even, the feeling of isolation and helplessness wasn’t there. He hadn’t been drowning when they kissed, not the second time. Isak had felt safe.

He had enough people around him that if he was in a lifeboat, it was a big one.

Eva smiled and she looked so pretty. “Okay, well, if you ever do, you have to promise you’ll tell me, and I’ll come and get you.” She looked at Isak expectantly. “Even if we’re not friends anymore and I turned into a complete bitch.”

Isak laughed. “Okay, I will.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, i have no idea why this shit took me so long to get around to and i'm really sorry.  
> i promise next chapter is more interesting.  
> please comment, love you guys xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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